


Alive

by puckinginsane



Category: Hockey RPF
Genre: Addiction, Bathroom Sex, Betrayal, Cheating, Drama, F/M, Flirting, Heart Break, Hot Tub Sex, Love, Love/Hate, Public Sex, Sex Addiction, Shower Sex, Threesome, Threesome - F/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-05-19
Updated: 2016-06-05
Packaged: 2018-06-09 10:16:45
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 29
Words: 103,573
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6901840
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/puckinginsane/pseuds/puckinginsane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A story about sex addiction, life, and love. </p><p>Amy had been dating Jamie Benn for 2 years and had a handle on her sex addiction until Tyler Seguin came into their lives and she begins to unravel.</p><p>**This will have alternate endings**</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Sex Addict

"Um, hi, I'm Amy and I'm a sex addict." A few people mumble back something at me that I can't really understand. Probably like 'hi' or 'welcome' or something. I am not good at public speaking. It actually terrifies me. If this wasn't so important I would have just turned around and went back home like I wanted to. When I got here I sat in my car for probably 45 minutes before mustering up the courage to walk in the doors. I can't believe I let my therapist talk me into this. "I've never been to one of these before. My therapist thought it would help. I'm not quite sure what I should be talking about."

"This is an open forum. Talk about anything you want," the mediator replies. Not much help. I don't even know where to begin. I've only ever talked about my addiction with my therapist. Nobody else in my life knows. Not even my boyfriend. It's a hard thing to keep from the people I love, especially him, but people don't understand. They don't think sex addiction could be a real thing, or that it could be a problem. The few people I have told my secret to are no longer in my life. I've learned that this isn't something that I can talk about with just anyone. I know this is supposed to be a safe place but I still have some trust issues. It's not only that I am uncomfortable talking about it, it's the fact that it's not that I am completely anonymous. My boyfriend plays for the Dallas Stars. Jamie Benn. Any time I see someone in any kind of Stars gear I can't help but wonder if they know who I am. I might as well open up. I'm here to get help.

I met Jamie at one of the Stars' open practices. It was a rainy day during the week and I was the only one there since it was announced only that morning that they were going to be holding the practice. We got to talking and hit it off right away. I gave him my number but it took him a while to call. I didn't exactly expect him to. It was late one night after one of their away games. It was cute. He was nervous. We talked all night and when he came back from the road trip we made plans to hang out. Of course we never even made it out of the house. That was my fault. When I want something I take it, and I took it. Of course we have more than just sex. We always have a great time together. He makes me laugh. I became in control of my urges because of him. He's changed my life.

"I've been aware of my addiction since I was around 13. It got me into a lot of trouble before I knew that I needed to learn to control my urges. My boyfriend doesn't even know. I mean, I haven't talked to him about it." I take my guard down as I look into the faces at the people who are in front of me. They know what I'm going through. They understand. They are sympathetic and nod along when I talk because they struggle with this every day too. I can talk about this and they will know where I am coming from. I have never had that before. I am finally at ease. "For the most part I have been able to keep it under control. It's not as easy as it is when I am single, though, I get no complaints from him. I haven't really had problems with infidelity but my strength has been tested lately. My boyfriend has gotten a new friend that has been hanging around the house a lot. There is just something about him. I feel myself losing control whenever he is around. It honestly scares me. I don't know what to do. I guess that's all I feel about saying for now."

I get a few pats on the back as I lean back in my chair and cross my arms across my chest. He is the reason I am here at this meeting right now. I have never felt so out of control of my own actions as I do when he is around. The things I think about doing to him or him doing to me. It's distracting and dangerous. It could lead me down a road I haven't been down in a while and one I don't care to go down ever again. I know in the end only I could control what happens in this situation but that's what scares me so much. I don't feel like I have a grip on myself when he is around. If Jamie knew he'd end it for sure. It feels nice to get it off my chest but will going to these meetings give me the answer I am looking for? I don't know. All I can do right now is sit back and listen to what everyone else has to say. I feel like I am the youngest one here so maybe someone with more experience can give me some wisdom. I need all the help I can get.

I have never actually heard anyone else talk about sex addiction so listening to everyone else's stories is a breath of fresh air. The more I listen, the less I feel like I am alone in the world. I still don't know how I am going to handle this with Jamie or handle myself with Tyler. The more they hang out, the more I want him. It has come to the point where I leave the house if he is over. I don't need the temptation. Jamie makes me happy. We have been together for 2 years. One tiny action could snowball into a side of me I'd rather not show. It's something I fight so hard to suppress every day. Jamie and Tyler hang out quite a bit and have become closer and closer as the season has gone on. I am finding it hard to come up with excuses not to be around. My therapist wants me to try an experimental drug but I don't want any part of it. I have to do this on my own.

Before I go home I need to stop by my friend's house. That's where I was supposed to be all of this time anyway. I feel guilty lying to everyone but this is one thing I have to protect from the people I care about. So it's not really lying just withholding the truth. "I brought pizza!" I exclaim as I walk through her door with my arms full with a pizza box.

"I'll get the drinks!" she yells from the other room as I hear footsteps scurrying into the kitchen. I put the pizza box down on the coffee table in the living room. I meet AnnMarie in the kitchen to get some plates. "I can't wait until Jamie's pool party this weekend. Tyler in nothing but a bathing suit..."

"Jamie is having a pool party? How do I not know about this?" I grab a few plates from the cabinet and we walk into the living room and take our spots on the couch in front of our pizza.

"I don't know. You do live there after all."

This is not going to be good for me. I don't need any extra temptation and this is going to be a big one. Maybe Jamie did tell me about it and I just don't remember, or I wasn't paying attention. Sometimes when my brain starts thinking about sex I can go to a whole other place. It's very possible I was there while Jamie told me about this party. I hate to admit that it happens pretty often. He is so patient. He kind of just shrugs it off as it being apart of who I am. If he only knew.

I can't stop thinking about Tyler in a bathing suit...all wet from the pool...his suit clinging to his body from the weight of the water. I could fuck him in the pool house and nobody will know. No, I can't think like that. Bad things happen when I think like that. Maybe trying those drugs out wouldn't be such a bad idea. I am turning into the out of control person I used to be. I am less and less focused and more out of control with my thoughts. I won't act on them. I can't act on them. I've gotten past temptation before. I can do it again. It's not going to be easy. It never is.

The room is suddenly silent and I feel eyes on me. I look to my left and AnnMarie is just looking at me. Crap, I've done it again. "Sorry."

"What is with you lately?"

"I've just been tired." It's been a familiar excuse that I use with just about everyone in my life. With my mind wandering as often as it does, I feel as if they are starting to worry about me. It's the looks they give after I say it. They probably think I am on drugs or something.

We finish watching our movie and finish eating our pizza and I leave to go home. I am driving but my mind is not on the road. I can't stop picturing Tyler in the pool, around the pool, naked in the pool and around the pool. I turn on the radio to occupy my mind with something else. It's not working. I open the windows to let the air in. Doesn't work. I just need to get a few more blocks and I'll be home. I can't even remember how I got this far. My mind is all scrambled. I feel guilty. I am a terrible person. I need to get home. I need help.

I pull into our driveway and park in the garage. I made it home. I don't really know how, but I made it. The door to the garage from the house opens and Jamie stands in the doorway with a smile on his face and waves. I wave back. My mind is clear but I'm still all fucked up. I get out of the car and hug him. He puts his arms around me and as soon as he touches me something inside me just snaps. In one swift motion I pull his shirt up over his head and throw it across the room. He looks back at it and back at me with a shocked look on his face. I pin him against my car as I kiss him hard and fumble with his belt. "What the fuck is wrong with this thing? Is it made by Master?"

"Calm down, calm down. Why does it have to be such a rush?"

"I just want to fuck you. Can't I just fuck you?" I ask with a fury as I finally get the belt open. I push him towards the hood of the car and shove him down.

"You're freaking me out a little." I pull his pants down and I can tell he's already hard. I look down at it and back up at him and smirk. "I didn't say I wasn't enjoying it."

I pull my pants and panties down and climb on top of him. He pulls his boxer briefs down and I grab his hard cock and stroke it. I the coolness of the hood helps with the hardness of the metal on my knees as I lower myself onto him. He grabs onto my hips as I lean down to kiss him. Images of Tyler run through my head. Tyler at the gym, Tyler at the pool, Tyler on the ice, Tyler in my bed. I begin fucking Jamie fast and hard. Usually I start out slow and build up the speed but not tonight. He tries to push my hips down in a rhythm he wants but I'm too fast for him. I close my eyes and continue imagining it's Tyler underneath me. I have to finish this so I can get him out of my head. Jamie is finally able to keep up with my pace and doesn't last much longer before he cums.

The fucked up thing is it was some of the best sex of my life and I wasn't even thinking about Jamie. I am losing control. I get up off of him and pick up my pants and panties off of the floor and put them back on. I hand Jamie his clothes and he puts them on before we walk inside together. I feel guilty for thinking about Tyler while we were having sex. That was the first time I've done that.

Even though the sex last night helped me ease up a little bit, I still feel really tense and on edge. My mind still isn't clear. Usually when this happens I go to the gym and workout to get a release. I usually go alone but today Jamie insists on going with me. I don't mind him being there, especially since we don't get to spend much time together during the season. I just know that it could become a hassle if people start to recognize him. It's usually not that big of a deal but I would be lying if I said it didn't sometimes annoy me. We get our gym bags together and head out the door. He is driving, which is probably a good thing, I cannot stay focused. My mind is racing.

We get to the gym and I head straight for the locker room to put my stuff away. I put my bag into my locker and close the door. I rest my head against the cool metal to just take a deep breath. The way I have been feeling lately, I don't like it. I don't feel like myself. I feel like a caged animal that needs to be set free. I've been in control of my addiction for so long I almost forgot just how...primal I can get. Jamie has never seen this side of me nor do I want him to. I don't want to lose him but my once firm grip on self control is hanging on by a thread. I usually see my therapist once a week but I might need to see him again.

I clip my iPod to my shorts, stick my earbuds in my ears, and walk out of the locker room to the gym. I usually start with some light cardio before going to the weights. Jamie goes right to the weights. I make my way past the weights on my way to where the treadmills and ellipticals are and wave to Jamie as I pass him. He smiles and waves back then continues to talk to his trainer. I start my music as I walk up to my chosen treadmill and start off with a slow jog. The music is blaring in my head. I need it to drown out the world. After 5 minutes I increase the speed and take a sip of water. I wipe the little bit of sweat from my face with my towel. I close my eyes to just listen to the music and focus on my running. I can feel the tension slowly release from my body and I start to feel a little more normal again.

I am at a fast paced jog and really feeling in the zone when I start to hear muffled noises. I turn up the volume a bit to tone them out. I pick up my pace a bit more and before I know it I am at a full on sprint. I almost fall off the treadmill when I look to my right to see Tyler standing next to me. I stumble as I turn the treadmill off and step down. I pull my earbuds out and put them in my pocket. "It's about time," he says, "I've been trying to get your attention for 2 minutes."

"What do you want, Tyler?" I ask, trying to sound as cold as I can. My eyes focus on his sweat soaked shirt. I feel like I actually lick my lips. I quickly snap out of it and wipe my face and arms off with my towel and drape it around my neck.

He grabs my arm and walks me over to where we are out of sight. The feel of his skin against mine sends a jolt of electricity through my veins. I look up into his eyes and can tell he felt something too. A smile creeps over his lips slowly, almost as if it were in slow motion. I notice his hand is still on my arm. I pull it away. "You want me," he says matter of factly.

"Excuse me?" is all I can really manage to get out. I can't even deny it.

"I know someone who goes to those little meetings you went to. He told me what you said about me." He moves closer to me as he talks in a whisper.

"What the fuck happened to being anonymous anyway?" I say in an angry whisper as I throw my arms up into the air. "How do you know I was talking about you anyway?"

He puts his hand on the wall above my head and leans into it. He whispers right into my ear, "We both know it was me."

I push him up against the wall and pin his arms back over his head. I push my body up against his and lean in to kiss him but I stop just before my lips touch his. I feel his breath on my lips, getting faster and faster as I linger. I can't do this. I let him go, turn and walk away without saying a word. My heart is racing and all of that tension I worked out jogging is back. I have to get out of here. I almost kissed him. I almost KISSED HIM. The feel of his touch on my skin, it's like nothing I've ever felt before. I could have fucked him right there if I didn't walk away like I did. I feel my head spinning. I am on my way to the locker room to take a shower when I pass the door to the boxing area. I walk in and grab a pair of gloves from the desk and walk to a punching bag and begin to let go.

I didn't even notice a crowd was starting to gather until I begin to hear Jamie say, "my girlfriend's a badass." I look up to see about 15 people standing in a row watching me. I smile and wave and proceed to hide behind the punching bag. How embarrassing. Jamie walks over to me and throws his arms around me. "That was awesome, babe, I didn't know you had it in you."

"Neither did I," I say with my head buried in his chest. "I need a shower. Are you guys done?"

"Almost. Do you want to watch us finish up?"

I look over Jamie's shoulder at a giggling Tyler and glare. I couldn't handle watching him workout right now. My fists feel like I scraped them against sandpaper from punching so hard. For the time being I once again feel in control, thank God. "I'm going to shower. I'll meet you at the car." Jamie leans down to kiss me and I am reminded just how lucky I am to have him. He keeps me grounded. I hand one of the trainers the gloves I borrowed then walk right passed Tyler and punch him in the arm and shove him as I mutter, "you're an asshole." I can hear him laughing as I walk away.

After my shower I walk outside and wait for Jamie in the car. I am messing around on my phone when I hear a knock on the window. I reluctantly look to see Tyler's smiling face. He makes a roll down the window gesture, I roll my eyes and continue to look at my phone trying my best to ignore him. He lifts up his shirt and presses his bare stomach against the window. I open the door fast and it pushes him back. "What the fuck is your problem? You can't do stuff like this. This isn't something to joke about. It's serious. I'm with Jamie. Stop making this hard."

"I could say the same to you," he retorts, as if my desperation for him to just leave me alone escapes him.

"Oh my God," is all I can say. I can't even believe this is happening right now. Every time I try to fight off temptation he is there with his abs and perfect body and beautiful smile and amazing ass.

"I'm just saying that if you ever want to act on your fantasies I don't have any problem with that."

"I have an addiction, Tyler, which you shouldn't even know about by the way. It took me years to learn how to control myself. Please just leave me alone. I can't do this. I love Jamie."

"He can join us."

"Wow."

Jamie walks through the doors of the gym and starts making his way towards us. Tyler turns around and sees him and turns back to me. "See you at the party," he says then raises his eyebrows a few times. He and Jamie shake hands and do some kind of one armed hug thing that guys do and he walks to his car. I can't figure out if I am so annoyed with him or extremely turned on. My guess is a little of both. Jamie has a game tomorrow and I plan on going to my therapist to try to sort this out.

I am lucky that my therapist was able to fit me into his schedule today. Jamie is at morning skate and he will have a game later so it will give me time to talk to my therapist. I have been going to my therapist since I was 16, I am 23 now. I don't have a meeting until next week. Part of me doesn't even want to go because of the breach of trust. The worst thing about it is I don't even know who told. I just have nowhere else to turn. These people know how I feel. I am beginning to feel more and more guilty about not telling Jamie about what is going on but I am so scared that I am going to lose him.

Just about every time I drive to my therapist's office I have the feeling that maybe this will be the time I will give up on getting help. It gets exhausting. This time is no different. I pull up into my usual parking spot in the last row in the lot. It takes me a few minutes but I finally get out of the car and slowly walk across the parking lot and into the building. I check in with the receptionist and take a seat until it is my turn. I play on my phone until I am called. I try not to look around but sometimes you can't help but look around at the other patients and wonder what their deal is. I sometimes try to guess in my own head. I wonder what they think I am there for. I doubt they think it's sex addiction. Most people don't even understand that it's a real thing.

After spacing out in the waiting area for 15 minutes my name is called and I make my way down the all familiar hallway to my therapist's office. We exchange greetings and I take my usual seat in the chair in front of his desk. I put my purse on the floor next to me and sit back with my arms folded across my chest. "How are you doing?" he asks. He always starts off with that question. I usually say 'handling it' because I usually am handling it but not this time. I am not handling anything. "How was the meeting? Did it help?"

"Are you in a rush? You didn't even let me answer the first question."

Dr. Benjamin Murray, my therapist. The man I have been spilling my heart and soul to every week since I was 16. I see him more than I see my family. Some people say I am too comfortable with him and we don't have a conventional doctor/patient relationship and maybe they would be right but this works for me. He has made my life liveable. Why would I walk away from that? He is like the big brother I never had, or maybe he's like an uncle. He definitely feels like some kind of family member. He sits at his desk with his salt and pepper hair and glasses barely hanging off of the end of his nose. He is always dressed to impress. I don't know who he is trying to impress, certainly not us misfits that come to see him every day. He has a deep, booming voice but talks with sincerity. You can tell that he wants to help just by the way he talks to you. He speaks slowly, as if every word that comes out of his mouth is well thought out, which is probably the case.

"No of course not. You sounded pretty urgent in your message. I want to make sure everything is ok." I would be lying if I said I wasn't attracted to him. He's handsome for an older guy. I used to have fantasies about him which makes thinking of him as an older brother or uncle pretty gross. I take that back. I don't take his professional doctor concern for anything more than what it is but it is fun to think about him naked. That is not why I am here though.

"I wish I could say I was handling it. Someone at that meeting...oooo...someone told Tyler about everything I said. If I didn't think about doing naughty, crazy things to him every second of the day I would be furious."

"I am so sorry you had that experience. That is not the intention of those meetings. It was certainly not my intention when I sent you there."

"It's not even the half of it either. So now Tyler knows and he keeps coming on to me. I was doing so well but now I am losing control. I almost kissed him at the gym. I can't focus anymore. I'm actually scared."

"We will get back to that," he says as he points his pen at me. "How was the meeting otherwise?"

"It was good. It's just what I needed. I want to go back but everything is all screwed up now with Tyler knowing and everything." I pause to think. "I'll probably go again."

"You should talk to the mediator. That breach of trust is unacceptable. I don't want to tell you not to go but just be careful. If that kind of thing continues to happen it will do more harm than good."

"I will. I just don't know who it was."

"Have you thought more about telling Jamie about what is going on? You could bring him here and we can tell him together."

I know the right thing to do would be to come clean to Jamie and tell him about my addiction and about what Tyler is doing but I am scared of what might happen. Dr. Murray has been trying to get me to tell Jamie ever since we started dating. Looking back on it I just should have told him then. It's been 2 years. I can't just be like 'oh by the way I'm a sex addict sorry I never told you.'

"I am scared of losing Jamie. I can't tell him." We have the same conversation just about every week. He tells me to tell him and I say no and he tells me all the reasons and I still say no.

"There is a good possibility that you will lose him either way. I strongly recommend bringing Jamie to your next session so we can talk about this. I can explain it to him and he can help you with your recovery. You know I don't like that you're trying to do this on your own. It would be easier with a partner." I don't respond. I know he's right. There's nothing more I can say about it. It would be the next step in my recovery but I just can't take it. Dr. Murray didn't even want me to start dating because of the dangers of temptation. I wasn't expecting to fall in love but I did. He sighs loudly. He knows once I shut down there is no getting through to me. "You called me so I know you want the help. You just have to accept it."

I roll my eyes and look at the floor. "You're right. I'll bring him. I do want the help."

He smiles. He doesn't do that too often. "This is a big step. I am proud of you. Remember your concentration exercises and stay away from Tyler. He is toxic."

"Are you wrapping the session up, Dr. Murray? You do have somewhere to be." I usually have hour long sessions with him and I don't think I have even been here 15 minutes.

"It's our anniversary," he says as he eyes the picture on his desk of his wife.

"Say no more. We will talk next week," I say as I stand up to shake his hand. "Go home to your wife and do her like a sex addict."

"You know I don't like jokes like that, Amy."

I smirk and he just shakes his head at me. I can't help but laugh. It is funny when he breaks out of his doctor role. It doesn't happen often but it makes me feel good when he does. I consider him as a friend even though I know he really isn't. He's a friend I pay to help me not to go totally crazy. Yup, sounds normal to me. I'm not too close with my family. They don't really understand my disease. They just think I am a slut. When I was in high school I got picked up by the cops a few times for having sex in public places. That was before I got myself under control. That is why I started going to Dr. Murray. My parents went with me a few times but thought I was lying about not being able to control myself. Even Dr. Murray tried to explain it to them but they didn't listen. I was out on my own as soon as I turned 18. Who knows where I would be without Dr. Murray? Probably not in a good place.

There isn't enough time to go home before I have to head to the arena for Jamie's game so I just head straight there from the therapist's office. I was actually expecting to miss the game but I feel like I need some normalcy in my life. I have always loved hockey. Ever since the Stars came to Dallas my dad had season tickets. As soon as my mom let him he started taking me to games. My favorite memories as kid growing up were going to hockey games with my dad. He would always teach me all the rules about the game and about the roles of all of the players. I guess it would only be natural that I would wind up dating one of the players. My dad still goes to the games but we don't really talk.

The game was intense to say the least. Jamie got elbowed in the eye and Tyler stood up for him. It was a mess. There wasn't a full on fight but there was definite punches thrown and pushes shoved. It was incredibly sexy. Tyler had the guy on the ground at one point. I couldn't help but imagine myself underneath him. He was so fired up. I couldn't keep my eyes off of him the rest of the game. My brain started to get all scrambled with thoughts of Tyler until I saw Jamie's eye. It is all swollen and starting to bruise already. That is one of the things I love about Jamie, he always winds up keeping me grounded. The best part of it is that he doesn't even know he does it. That is why it is so important that he knows the truth. I owe it to him to be truthful. He has saved me.


	2. Tyler Crosses the Line

Jamie and I have been preparing for this pool party all morning. He is getting the liquor situated and I am working on snacks. For the main food part of the party we are ordering food to be delivered. I am not the best chef in the world, I'd be the first to tell you that. I can pour a mean salsa into a bowl though. Deep down inside I know I am nervous about Tyler being here but I am trying to keep my mind occupied with other things. The whole team and their families are going to be here so I have to make sure there is enough food for everybody. AnnMarie is here helping me get it all organized which is a big help.

I catch a glimpse of Jamie out in the backyard setting up the music from where I am standing in the kitchen at our counter island. His eye looks worse today than it did yesterday. It is still swollen and the bruise is much more noticeable. I walk to the freezer to get some ice and I put it in a bag, wrap it in a towel, and walk outside to where he is standing. He smiles once he looks up and sees me walking towards him and I smile back. "Put this on your eye, relax a bit," I say as I put the bag over his eye. He puts his hand on mind and holds the bag in place with me for a few seconds. He leans down to kiss me and I let go of the bag to put my arms around him and kiss him back.

I am lost in the kiss until there are sounds of whistling followed by, "I didn't know it was that kind of party."

We break the kiss and I turn around to see Tyler walking towards us with a big goofy smile on his face, bag in hand, and I am assuming a towel and other pool necessities are in there. Jamie lets me go and shakes hands with Tyler. "Hey, Segs," he says as they walk away talking about who knows what. I watch them until Tyler turns to look at me. I pretend to clean the bar top with no towel. I am just doing the motions hoping he doesn't realize. I sneak a look up and he is still looking at me. He winks and I give him the finger. He laughs as Jamie walks him into the pool house.

My eyes are so fixated on the pool house that I don't realize anyone else is out there with me and I am still pretending to clean the bar top. "What exactly are you doing?" AnnMarie says and breaks my concentration. I quickly stop the cleaning motion I was doing with my arm.

"Just wiping off the bar. No big deal."

"Right. Well more people are starting to show up. I'll put the rest of the food out and you can go greet them."

I walk inside to greet the players and their families as they start showing up one by one. It's a good distraction. I give the wives and girlfriends a tour of the house and show them where they can change and the guys head out to the pool house to join Jamie and Tyler. The pool house is a new addition to the yard and Jamie is really proud of it so he loves to show it off. It's almost like an apartment in there. It has everything. There are a few rooms for changing, a shower, a room for all the pool supplies, couches, and of course he had to put a TV in there. The weather in March in Dallas could be hit or miss so it's actually a surprise we are having this party but it has been pretty hot the last few weeks and it is perfect weather today. It is mid 80's without a cloud in the sky.

Once all of the guests arrive I walk up the stairs to our bedroom to get changed into my bathing suit. I stand with both hands resting on my dresser looking into the mirror and take a deep breath. There is going to be a lot of temptation out there today and I have to be strong. I have to keep focused. I can't let my thoughts get clouded and my brain scrambled. It would be such an embarrassment for Jamie if I got out of hand. I have gotten through plenty of pool parties with no problem before but with Tyler being here it raises the stakes. It raises the possibility of something going wrong. "You can do this," I say to my reflection out loud, "stick by Jamie and you'll be fine."

"Oh there you are," Jamie says sticking his head into the doorway. "Is that new?" He says, referring to my bathing suit. Ever since I started dating Jamie I have become a lot more fit. We work out all of the time together and I have lost a good amount of weight. This is the first time in my life I have been comfortable enough with myself to buy a two piece bathing suit that shows off my stomach.

"Yeah, I figured I should pick up a new one for today. You like it?"

He walks into the room, closes the door behind him, walks over to me, and puts his arms around me resting his hands on my butt. "Like it? It's fucking hot." The feel of his hands on my butt is enough to send me over the edge, which is not what I need right now. I feel the temperature in my body rapidly rising along with my heart beat. I almost let out a moan as he pulls my body against his. I could fuck him right here right now. I look out the window and see all of our guests out by the pool. This can't happen now. "Come on, let's go join them." He releases me and holds out his hand for me to take it. I grab it and grab my towel from the bed with the other and we make our way outside. That was close.

As soon as we get outside Jamie jumps right into the pool doing a cannonball, you know, because he's 5. His landing splashes the players and their families around him and when he comes up to the surface a few of them splash him and we all have a good laugh. I sit on the edge of the pool with my legs dangling down into the water. There are a lot of people in the pool right now and I am not sure if I want to join them or watch. A few of the players are with their kids and some are lounging on the side of the pool. I grab my sunglasses from the chair where I left them and slowly lower myself into the pool. It's a pretty hot day and the water feels so nice.I scan the pool with my eyes to see who is where. Jamie and Jordie are in the middle playing chicken with Kari and Tyler. "These are grown men," I say with a laugh to AnnMarie who has joined me.

"How is Tyler even holding Kari up?" she asks as we continue to watch.

"He is Superman." Just as I finish my sentence Kari falls over. Jamie and Jordie laugh as they high five each other. Jamie lets himself fall off of Jordie's shoulders and swims over to where we are standing. "Congratulations, although I feel like you and Jordie had the advantage since you have had years to practice together."

"We won fair and square," he says although I am paying not much attention to him as Tyler catches my eye from across the pool. I watch him over Jamie's shoulder as he lifts himself out of the pool, all of the muscles in his back and arms tensing up from the weight of his body being pulled up and out of the water. He lifts one leg up and then the other to stand up, water dripping off of him and down his legs. The little beads of water almost sparkle off of him from the sunlight reflecting off. I feel as I am watching him in slow motion. He runs his fingers through his hair pushing his messy hair back. Once he is fully out of the pool he faces me and nods his head as if he knows I am watching him.

"Wow," AnnMarie says and breaks my concentration.

I don't respond as I continue to watch him grab his towel and dry himself off. It's as if he's doing this to torture me. He lays the towel down on one of the loungers and sits down. He grabs a beer from the cooler next to him and lies back while putting his sunglasses on with the other hand. By this time Jamie has already moved from in front of me and is setting up the food although I didn't even notice he had moved. I really hope he wasn't talking to me because I wasn't paying attention. I look to my left and to my right and realize I am alone standing in the pool. Where did everybody go? And how long was I standing there staring at Tyler not realizing the world was moving on without me? I hope not long. Good thing I have my sunglasses on. You can't actually tell where I am looking.

After we all sit down for some food and drinks a lot of the team starts to leave and go back home as the sun starts to set. There are only a few who are going to be staying to watch basketball. All of the bathrooms in the house are taken up with guys or their families washing off from the day so I decide to take a shower in the pool house. I walk up to the bedroom to grab some clothes and make my way outside. The yard and pool lights are on and illuminating the backyard. I walk passed the grill and the bar and out to the poolhouse. I turn on the lights in the main room area and also to the hallway that leads to the showers. I walk into one of the rooms and turn the light on. I set my iPod down on the sink counter, press shuffle, and close the door behind me.

The music from my iPod echoes throughout the room as I turn on the shower and begin to disrobe. A nice warm shower is just the thing I need to clear my head from today. I still have images of Tyler lifting himself out of the pool playing over and over again. They're so vivid, just as if it were happening all over again. I step into the shower and let the water hit my head and face and just stand under the shower head letting the water run all over me. I start to feel relaxed. The music is helping me clear my head. Usually I play something uplifting while I am in the shower but today I am just playing some soothing jazz.

I put shampoo in my hair and think I hear the door close. I thought I had locked it. "Jamie, is that you?" I call out. No answer. Maybe I didn't hear anything at all. I let the water rinse the shampoo out of my hair. I have my eyes closed as I let the water run down my face. I hear the shower curtain open and I quickly open my eyes expecting to see Jamie standing in front of me but instead it is Tyler. I almost jump back, startled. "What the fuck, Tyler?"

"Shh," he says as he puts a finger over my lips and steps into the shower to join me.

I am in a panic. "This can't happen," I say although I don't move from the spot I am standing in. I don't even think I sound very convincing that I actually mean what I say. I look down and notice he is completely naked. "This is a bad idea."

"No one has to know," he says before taking my head in his hands and kissing me. I don't kiss him back at first. I am numb. This is happening. This is actually happening. All of my willpower and strength wash down the drain with the water. I push him up against the tiled wall and aggressively kiss him back. "Cold wall, cold wall."

"Shut up." I take a moment to just look at him. His hair is plastered to his head from the water hitting it. I can feel the blood rushing through my veins as if it were white water rapids. I intensely stare into his eyes and he stares right back without breaking. I haven't felt like this in so long. Just having to have someone as desperately as I need to have him right in this moment. I don't even feel like a human being anymore. I feel like an animal. I have spent years working to suppress these feelings, putting a wall up, and one person, one moment, it all comes crumbling down as if it were made out of sand.

He picks me up and rests my back against the wall of the shower. He is right, those tiles are cold. I kiss him as I dig my nails into his back to gain some grip. He lets out a sound that I can only describe as a roar, but I think he likes it. He lowers me onto him as he thrusts into me, using the wall of the shower for leverage. I grab the back of his head and kiss him hard. He immediately stick his tongue into my mouth and I suck on it as he thrusts harder into me. My hands move from the back of his head down his back and I grab onto him as he kisses my neck. "Oh my god, Tyler," I say into his ear before nibbling on the end of it.

"Yeah, baby," he says as I run my nails down his back once more. I can tell he really likes it. "You drive me wild. I've wanted you for so long."

As he begins to quicken his pace I lean up against the wall of the shower, no longer able to concentrate on anything but how he feels inside of me. "You're so hot," he says before kissing my chest and moves up to my neck once more, giving it gentle kisses, careful not to leave a mark. He bites down softly as he thrusts hard into me a few times before cumming. He lowers me down slowly until my feet touch the floor. "I can't believe we did that," I say as I hide my face in my hands.

"That was fucking hot." He leans in to kiss me but I put my hand up to catch his face.

"No more! You need to go. I need you to go. Please go," I plead although he doesn't move a muscle. I want to kiss him. I could do it again. I could do it again right now but I don't want to, but I really want to. I look him up and down and lick my lips. Our eyes catch. "Fuck me again. No I didn't mean that. You need to go, now." I push him out of the shower and out into the hallway and lock the door behind him. I pick up his clothes from the floor, open the door a crack, and throw them out to him. I cheated. I actually cheated on Jamie. I didn't cheat on Jamie with just anyone, it was only his best friend. Why was he here? Why did he do this? Why did I let him?

I step into the shower and wash myself off. I practically collapse to the floor and hug my arms around my bent knees and cry. I feel guilty not only for having sex with Tyler but for wanting it to happen. What am I going to do? I can't tell him, it will crush him. I am supposed to be bringing him to Dr. Murray next week. How could I possibly do that now? Everything has changed. Despite feeling terribly guilty there is another feeling I am feeling, I feel alive. That was some of the hottest sex I have ever had. I felt like a caged tiger being set free for the first time. I want more of it. I crave it.

I finish up my shower and get dressed. I can hear Tyler showering in the next room. It takes every bit of strength not to go in there and return the favor. Instead I quickly walk passed the room, through the backyard, and back into the house. I stop in the laundry room and throw my towel and a few other things that need to get washed into the washing machine. I stop into the kitchen to pick up a beer for Jamie and a sparkling water for me. I don't drink alcohol. I learned the hard way that alcohol and sex addiction do not mix. I walk into the living room and take a spot on the couch next to Jamie and hand him the bottle. He puts his arm around me and kisses my forehead. I lean my head against his and breathe a deep sigh. What am I supposed to do now?


	3. The Damage is Done

Today is the day of my meeting. I know I need to go but after what happened last time you can understand my hesitation to want to put myself through that again. I need to be able to talk about this, though, and these are the only people I can talk to. Jamie is at a season ticket holder event for the team so I am able to leave the house without having to make an excuse. It has been a few days since the pool party and it has been a struggle to keep it all together. I feel so guilty for cheating on Jamie. I have been trying to act as normal as I can but I can feel myself unraveling. I feel as if my brain is going to burst between trying to push the incident with Tyler deep down where nobody can find out to my constant urges to take some random people and do unthinkable things to them.

I sit in my living room staring at the clock on the cable box watching the minutes tick by as if they were hours. I am just counting down the time until I can leave and be among people who understand me. Whenever I let my mind be at ease images of the shower fill my brain. It's like I can feel him, smell him, taste him all over again. It's so vivid in my mind. Just thinking about it gets me all worked up. I'm not supposed to be doing this, thinking about sex. I am supposed to be occupying my mind with other things when I start to think about sex. Thinking about it only leads to more bad decisions. If Dr. Murray knew I was actually trying to relive it all over again he would be so disappointed in me.

I am not supposed to masturbate. It leads to days of not leaving the house. It's dangerous for me. It's the only way I can get any release. I have to get through these thoughts somehow. Every time I close my eyes I see his eyes. Every time I close my eyes I see his perfectly chiseled body. I feel him inside me all over again. If I don't get release now I don't know what I will do when I am out in the world. Everything I have been taught and everything have been working for seems like it's all been for nothing. One person shouldn't have pushed me so over the edge. How did I let it get like this? Staying in the house isn't making this any better. I have to get out. I feel trapped in here.

I drive around for a bit and find myself circling around the block that the building the meeting is in is on. It's not for another hour but I park in the parking lot. I stare down at my phone. I have the address book open on my screen. I know Dr. Murray is off today. He gave me his personal phone number only for extreme emergencies. This feels like an extreme emergency. I have never used this number, not once. I have been tempted many times but I want to respect his personal life. I want to have boundaries. I hate that sometimes I depend on him too much.

The time crawls slower than molasses but I managed not to call or text anyone while sitting in my car and waiting for the meeting to start. Once I see a few people walk in I follow behind them and take a seat. More people start to shuffle in and one by one I watch them to see if I can get a read on who is the one that told Tyler. I don't know how I am supposed to tell but that doesn't stop me from speculating. Once the meeting starts I let a few people speak before speaking myself. I take the time to think about what I am going to say this time. I know I am going to have to admit that I slept with Tyler. It will be the first time I say it out loud to anyone. Once there is a break in the speaking volunteers I take it as my cue to go next.

"Before I start I need to say something first. This is supposed to be a safe place. I come to these meetings because I have nowhere else to go for support. I thought I was among people who I could trust...who I know know exactly what I am going through." I pause as the other people in the meeting start to stir in their chairs and uncomfortable expressions slowly come over their faces. I can tell the mediator is in a panic but I continue, "Last week was my first meeting. It wasn't easy getting up in front of strangers and talking about my addiction. Some one in this room told my boyfriend's best friend the things I stood up and spoke about. Not only was this a betrayal but it sparked that friend to continuously come on to me which brings me to what I have to now confess today. I am Amy, I am a sex addict, and I slept with my boyfriend's best friend." There is a dead silence. Everyone just starts looking around the room, presumably to try to figure out who the mole is. At this point it doesn't matter. The damage is done.

The mediator stands up and looks around to each person. "This is unacceptable. I need to know right now who broke the trust of these meetings." Nobody speaks. Nobody even looks up. After what feels like an eternity someone finally stands up. We all look at him. I have never hated anyone more than I do in this moment. I can't even look at him. I am pretty sure I am the only one that turns away. "I am going to have to ask you to leave." He doesn't say a word, just turns and slowly walks across the room and out of the door. I didn't even get an apology, not that it would have changed anything. The damage is done. "Would you like to continue, Amy?"

"I would. I should start off by saying this is the first real relationship I have ever been in. We have been together for 2 years and although it has been a struggle I had never cheated on him. Ever since this friend came into our lives it has been 100 times worse to control myself but I was doing it, that is until he found out about my addiction. He started coming on to me and at one point I just lost all of my will power. I feel so guilty but at the same time I crave more of him. I feel like this is such a step back for me. I had gone 2 years only sleeping with the same person. My therapist advised against being in a relationship especially since I haven't told him about the addiction but I was making it work. I know I am going to have to tell him but I also that means I would be losing him. I don't know how to control myself without him." I can't help but let out a laugh. "And to think that going to a meeting caused all of this. I am not blaming any of you but if he hadn't found out I would have been ok. I actually thought I was able to be a real person in a real relationship but perhaps I was wrong. I am honestly scared for my future right now. That's all I want to share for today."

While the other people in the group talk I try to pay attention but I have other things on my mind. The more I think about how all of this stuff went with Tyler the more angry about it I get. I am mad at myself, that is for sure, but I am also mad at Tyler. He could have just left me alone. What kind of person seduces his best friend's girlfriend? He could have left me alone and none of this would be happening. I wouldn't want to be tearing my hair out right now trying to keep all of this inside. Not only do I have to talk to Jamie about this, I am going to have to talk to Tyler too. We can't keep going on like this, or at least I can't. I am going to wind up doing something bad. I know how I am.

Once the meeting is over I pick up my purse from the floor and start to walk towards the door. I feel a hand on my shoulder and I jump and quickly turn around, a bit startled. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you," says Edison Hartwell, the mediator. He stands about 6'4, skinny as a twig, glasses, and always wears a polo and khakis. I don't know how old he is but if I were to guess I'd say he's somewhere in his late 40's early 50's. "Have you thought about getting a sponsor?"

"I didn't know there were sponsors for sex addiction." This is only my second meeting, I still have a lot to learn about how it all works.

"I don't want you to think this isn't a safe place anymore. Here, this is my card." he hands me a business card with phone numbers and an e-mail address on it. "You can call me if you need someone to talk to." I take the card from his hand and put it in my wallet.

"Thank you, I appreciate it. I'm sure my therapist will too."

I walk out to where my car is parked and get in. Edison waves goodbye to me and I wave back. I turn on the radio to listen to some music on the way home. I left my iPod at home. The station is on The Ticket. They're talking about The Stars. Of course they are. They play a clip of Tyler talking about their last game. Listening to his voice is like music to my ears. I think back to the things he said to me in the shower. I turn off the radio. I don't need to hear that right now. As I drive to the exit of the parking lot I find myself turning left instead of right to go home. It's almost as if the car is on auto pilot and I am no longer in control. Instead of turning around to correct my mistake I make a right then a left. Before I know it I realize where I am going. This is the way to Tyler's house.

Tyler only lives about 10 minutes from where my meetings are. It takes me about 5 minutes to get there. I park in front. "What am I doing here?" I wonder to myself out loud. "You can still turn around." I look down at my phone and see I have a few texts from Jamie.

Jamieboo : I am home. Where are you?

Jamieboo : Heading to the gym. See you later.

I don't even see Tyler's car. He's probably not home from the event yet. I am just going to leave. I put the key back in the ignition and turn the car on. Just as I am about to pull out of my parking spot I see Tyler pull into his driveway. I duck down so he doesn't see me. Not like he won't recognize my car anyway. The sound of keys jingling against each other gets closer and closer and eventually stop right outside my window. I look up to see Tyler standing at my window. He smiles once we make eye contact. "Hey," I say with a little wave.

"Are you going to get out of the car?" he asks, "or are we going to just stay out here all night?"

"I shouldn't get out of the car," I say as I put the car in drive. "I shouldn't have come here."

I turn my head to make sure there is nobody coming down the street. He reaches into the window and grabs my arm. "Don't go. Come inside."

I know this is a mistake but I put the car back in park and turn the car off. "Fine," I say, defeated. He stands back so I can open the door. I grab my purse off of my passenger seat and text Jamie that I will be home in a little bit as we walk to the door. I follow Tyler inside and sit down on one of the chairs in his living room as he takes a seat on the couch.

He puts his feet up on the ottoman as he says, "so what's up?" His biceps bulge as he rests his arms behind his head.

"We have to talk about what happened. I can't believe you did that. You've got some nerve." The thoughts were more complete in my head. Now I just sound like a rambling fool. I am a little distracted. The t-shirt he is wearing is fitted just enough that I can see the outline of every muscle from his chest to his waist. I find myself staring, tracing every inch of him with my eyes.

"I know what we did was fucked up but it was amazing. You can't deny that."

"Don't you feel the least bit bad that not only did you sleep with one of your best friend's girlfriend but you took advantage of my addiction?"

"Well when you put it like that..." he stops. I thought he was going to continue but he just stops talking and looks at me. I can't tell if he is thinking about his answer or is trying to break the world record for most uncomfortable moment in human history. He finally speaks up again. "I do feel bad. I don't go out into the world planning on sleeping with my friend's girl or taking advantage of you but what can I say? When I want something I make sure I get it."

"Wow for a second there I almost thought you had just a little bit of remorse." I stand up. "I just wanted to let you know that I am going to have to tell Jamie."

"I know." I can tell by the tone in his voice that he is not happy about it but it's what has to happen. I don't want to be the one to break up a friendship or possibly ruin a hockey team but this is my life too and I can't pretend that nothing happened and that life is normal.

"I should go."

I start to walk towards the front door but before I can even take a step Tyler grabs my hand while exclaiming, "don't go!" He pulls me towards him and I stumble over my purse that I had dropped on the floor and land on top of him. He pulls me even closer to him so that my body is pressed up against his. "One more time?" he whispers into my ear.

His breath on my ear sends shivers down my spine. I try to stand but he doesn't release his hold on me. He kisses me. It's not rough like the last time. It's more soft, more intimate. "We can't," I start to say before he kisses me once more. I try to use the couch for leverage to try to stand up but I miss and wind up putting my hands on his chest. I can feel his muscles flex underneath me.

He lifts me up so I am not in an awkward position from tripping over my purse. He pulls my hips onto his lap so I am straddling him. "Come one, one more time before my death. You know he's going to kill me once you tell him."

It is taking everything in me not to totally snap at this moment. For the sake of my recovery and for the sake of my relationship I have to walk away no matter how much my body is aching for him at this point. I don't say no but I don't move to stand up either. He grabs the bottom of his shirt and pulls it slowly over his head and off and throws it on the floor. "No, no, no, no," I say shaking my head.

"The damage is done. What's one more time?" he says as slowly as humanly possible. He puts a hand on each side of my hips and positions me on the bulge that is growing in his pants. It's enough to send me over the edge. I pull him towards me and kiss him. I grind on him as we exchange kisses with each other. It's innocent at first. We tease each other's mouths with our tongues. I can feel his cock growing harder underneath me as I change up the rhythm of my movements. He pulls my shirt up and over my head and pulls me up against him so my skin touches his skin.

I stand up and pull my pants and panties down as he pulls his pants and boxer briefs down. I stand in front of him wanting him so badly and even though I know this is something I shouldn't be doing I am not taking action to stop it. He puts his hands on my hips and pulls me onto him. I press my breasts against his face as I rub the back of his head while I lower myself onto him letting him slowly fill me. He immediately grabs onto my ass and pulls me hard into him. I rest my hands on either side of his head on the back of the couch to get leverage to thrust onto him as hard as I can each time. He kisses my chest as I slow down my pace. He tries to push me down harder onto him but I resist. I look into his eyes and smirk. "You're a bad girl," he says as he forces me down on him.

"Yeah, baby," I cry out as he continues to pull me down onto him. Usually when I'm on top I make sure I have all of the control but I have no idea giving him some of it. It's so hot that he just takes what he wants.

I regain control as I quicken my pace and he can no longer keep up. He's starting to lose control. He puts his hands on my hips and around to my ass and squeezes hard as he cums. I get off of him and stand in front of him as I put my clothes back on. I'm not happy with myself or with him. I can't entirely blame Tyler. I should have gone home.

Before going home I convince Tyler to let me clean up in his shower. I made him promise that he wouldn't join me this time and he kept that promise. After taking a shower and drying my hair I get dressed. I look in the mirror at my reflection and I swear I don't recognize the person I am anymore. I drape my purse on my shoulder and walk down the stairs into the living room and out the door. I don't even say goodbye. I just need to get home and get through the next day. I have my appointment with Dr. Murray in 2 days, when my life will probably change forever. My car ride home is silent. I am lost in my thoughts. How can I explain this?


	4. Jamie Finds Out

I have been so nervous about this day. Today is my appointment with Dr. Murray where not only am I going to admit to being a sex addict to my boyfriend of two years, I am also going to have to tell him I have cheated on him. Dr. Murray doesn't even know what I have done. It was hard for me to bring up going to the therapist with me to Jamie but once I did he seemed excited to come with me. If he only knew. His willingness to come also makes this incredibly hard. I don't want to ambush him but it feels like that is exactly what I am doing. I haven't been able to sleep. I am on edge all the time. It's hard for me to even look at Jamie knowing what I have done and knowing what I am going to have to tell him. I love him and I know I am going to lose him.

The car ride to Dr. Murray's office is so quiet. I don't think Jamie knows what to expect and I am terrified of what is going to happen when I tell him everything. I am trying to hold it together but it's hard. I know this is going to be the end of our relationship. He stares out of the window as I drive. I glance over at him once in a while and it makes me want to turn around and go back home. Maybe I can just tell him about the sex addiction now and about Tyler some other time. I am not ready for this. I don't want to hurt him. My heart beats faster the closer we get. I pull up to the parking lot and park in my usual spot in the back of the lot. Jamie opens his door and begins to climb out of the car but I stay where I am with my hands still on the steering wheel.

He puts his hands on the hood of the car and leans down to peak in. "Are you coming?" he asks, confused as to why I am still sitting in the car.

I try to contain my emotions but they get the best of me and I can no longer hold it in. The combination of the stress of keeping these secrets and knowing what telling him means is too much to keep inside any longer. Tears roll down my cheeks and I begin to sob. Jamie quickly gets back in the car and shuts the door. He just looks at me, concerned, unsure of what to do or where this is coming from. He is a man of few words to begin with. "I'm sorry," I cry out as I wipe the tears from my eyes only to have more replace them.

"What is going on, Amy?" he asks seriously. I can tell I am scaring him. I don't blame him. All of this is coming out of nowhere and I am not one to have outbursts like this.

I am going to just have to tell him right here, right now. There is no getting out of it. "The reason I brought you here today, the reason I go to therapy, is something that only a handful of people know about me. It's not something I easily talk about." I turn away from looking at him and stare at my steering wheel in front of me. "I'm a sex addict. I'm sorry I never told you." I look up from the steering wheel to see a blank expression on his face. I wish that was all I had to tell him.

"Wow, ok, wow. I don't know what to say." He takes his hat off, runs his fingers through his hair, and puts his hat back on. "This is a lot to take in. I mean, I had no idea."

I hang my head and mumble, "that's not all I have to tell you." I take a deep breath before continuing on. I am so scared about what is going to happen that I can feel my hands shaking. I know I have to tell him but I don't want to hurt him. I hate myself for not stopping him. I can't blame it on my addiction. I know I am ultimately responsible. I wish I was stronger. "I slept with Tyler."

"You're fucking kidding, right? You fucked Tyler?" I can't even look at him. I continue to stare at my steering wheel. I can hear him open the door. "I can't even look at you right now. I am going to kill him." I close my eyes as I begin to cry. "I am leaving and don't even think about coming home. We are over." The next thing I hear is the door slamming. I look up and watch him walk away.

I look into my rear view mirror and see the building behind me. I know I should go in and talk to Dr. Murray but I am not in the mood. I don't want to have to admit to him how weak I have become. All of the work I have put in to control myself is for nothing. I should have told Jamie from the beginning, maybe we could have avoided this. It's too late now. What is done is done. Where do I even go from here? I need to clear my head. I need to let off some steam. I need to drink...a lot.

I've left the parking lot and wound up at this club. I honestly don't even know the name of the place. I am surprised I even got in. I am not really dressed to be in a place like this. The bouncer acted like he knew me. Maybe this is one of the places I used to wind up when I used to drink. It wouldn't surprise me. It isn't that far from where I used to live before I met Jamie. I find that when my head is cloudy I automatically wind up places I used to go when I didn't have a handle on things. Right now I feel like I could lose all control all over again. I walk right up to the bar and order myself a drink. I might as well, I have nothing else going for me right now. The place is loud. I can barely hear myself think. Before I can even shout out jack and coke the bartender hands me a tall glass. I put my money down and he pushes it back to me and winks. I definitely have been here before.

I scan the dancing crowd and spot a pretty good looking guy dancing. He doesn't look like he is with anyone so I make my way through the crowd and over to him and start dancing up on him. He looks a little surprised but doesn't push me away. I quickly finish the rest of my drink as we dance and put the glass down on the tray of a waitress who walks passed me. As I begin to get closer to this guy I look around the room to see if anything looks familiar. He puts his hand around the small of my back and pulls me as close as we can get. It pulls my attention back to him and he smiles. I smile back. I applaud his guts. I could be one of those girls who would slap a man for doing that, luckily for him I am not one of those girls.

I admit dancing so close with this guy is beginning to turn me on but I am trying not to let it get too much into my head. I can get carried away rather quickly and I am sure they don't want to have a live sex show right here on their dance floor although the way some of the people are looking at me I could have already done that. We are halfway into our third song when I feel a hand on my shoulder pull me away. "She's with me." I faintly hear a voice say. I turn around to see Tyler standing in front of me. Like I even want to see him right now. Why is he everywhere all of the time?

My dance partner shrugs and walks away. "Thanks a lot, Tyler, I was having a good time," I say as I playfully slap him on the arm.

"Wouldn't you rather be grinding up on me anyway?" he asks as he pulls me close to him.

"That's not the point," I say into his ear as the music seems to be getting louder.

I want to tell him about what happened with Jamie earlier but the way he is moving, the way he is holding me, I can't concentrate on anything else but not ripping his pants off right here in front of the whole club. He knows what he does to me, it's obvious. He slyly smirks as I look into his eyes. It's like I don't even have to say any words and he knows what I am thinking. The way I am practically fucking him through his jeans is probably a dead giveaway. Somehow while I was dancing a drink mysteriously winds up in my hands. I swear I don't know where it came from. Just how many people in this place did I sleep with? I wish I could remember. In one chug I down the whole glass and continue to dance.

"That was impressive," he says loudly so I could hear him over the music.

"You haven't seen anything yet," I reply as I take his hand and lead him through the dancing crowd, past the bar, down a series of hallways, to an unmarked door. I don't even know how I know this is here or how I knew to come down this way. We can barely hear the music anymore, just feel the bass through the walls and the floors.

I open the door and we walk inside. It is a simple supply closet. Just a room with a bunch of cleaning supplies and other random things thrown in. "Here?" is all he can say before I push him against the wall and kiss him. I run my hands up his shirt and up and down his body. I pull him closer to me, as if that were even possible, and kiss him on the neck and up behind his ear. "Holy shit," he mumbles as I continue to run my hands up his back. I unbuckle his belt and drop his pants to the floor. "I can't believe we're doing this right here."

"I could stop and find someone else if you're not up for it," I say as I let him go and take a step back.

He takes his shirt off and drops it to the floor. "Get back over here." I pull my pants down and put my arms around him. "The things you do to me," he says before kissing me. He looks around the room. "Are we ever going to fuck in an actual bed?"

"Just fuck me against the wall and shut up," I reply.

He pulls his boxer briefs down, picks me up, and pushes me up against he wall. "This isn't easy, you know." I lower myself onto him. "Oh god."

"I think you'll manage."

I could have sex anywhere, any time, in any position. If Tyler wants to be in my life like this he's going to have to learn to keep up with me. This is just the beginning. I'm surprised he actually agreed to do this right here. Most guys would be scared of getting caught. It doesn't take long for him to cum. At this point I'm just going through the motions out of necessity.

I quickly put my clothes back on as we start to hear voices in the hallway coming closer. I pick Tyler's shirt off the floor and throw it at him. We stop moving and remain still as the voices could be heard right outside the door. I even hold my breath. He puts his ear to the door and I finish getting dressed as the voices get softer until we can no longer hear them. He opens the door just enough to fit his head out of and signals to me that the coast is clear. We quickly walk, almost jog, down the hallway and back out into the main part of the club. We go to the bar and grab a few more drinks before leaving. Tyler goes home since they have a game tomorrow and I walk out to my car. I am in no shape to drive so I call AnnMarie to come pick me up.

It doesn't take long for AnnMarie to get to where I am. I open the door and get in. "I'll explain when we get to your place," I say as I struggled to buckle the seat belt.

"My place? Why aren't you going home?"

"I don't have a home anymore." I slur every word no matter how hard I try to talk normal.

"What are you talking about? What's going on?"

"I'm too drunk to talk about this," I say as I fold my arms over my chest hoping she will let it go but I know better.

"Well you're going to or I'm not going anywhere."

"Ha, ok, mom"

"You think I'm kidding," she says as she pulls over to the side of the road and turns the car off.

I can see I am not getting out of this so easily. It's not that I wanted to keep this a secret from my best friend it's just that I have been so scared about what everyone would think about me that I decided it would just be better that nobody knew. I have been hurt before by the people I have told. I have a reason to not want to tell people. "I fucked Tyler 2 times. No 3 times. Almost forgot tonight." Probably not the best thing to start off with.

"Tyler...Seguin?" I nod my head yes. "Wow."

"Yeah wow. So I am a sex addict, right, and Tyler found out so he had been flirting with me until I gave it. It's not my fault. I have problems. This is not the way I wanted to tell you this, by the way."

"Wait time out. You're a sex addict? How do I not know about this?"

"I couldn't tell you. I'm sorry. I wanted to. Nobody knows. Well, now Jamie knows. I told him everything."

"You told him how you fucked Tyler and you're a sex addict?"

"Not in that order but yes."

"Wow."

"Yeah wow."

The ride to AnnMarie's house is quiet. I text Jamie 'I'm sorry' as I remember I never actually said those words to him earlier. I don't expect a response back but I mean what I say. As we sit in silence I go over the things I regret most in my head. I trusted the wrong people with my secret and kept it from the people I should have told. It's all out in the open now, though, and my life is ruined. I have a ton of missed called and a few voicemails, all from Dr. Murray. I almost forgot I blew off his appointment today. I have never missed an appointment in all the years I have been going to him. I turn the phone off as I do not want to deal with anyone right now. I feel like a piece of shit who goes around fucking everyone and breaking people's hearts. The horrid slut as my parents so lovingly call me.

I spend the night explaining to AnnMarie all about my sex addiction, going to Dr. Murray, the meetings, the reason my parents hate me, and everything else that goes with my addiction. It feels good to actually be talking about it with her. No more secrets. We start to watch a movie when there is a knock at the door. AnnMarie gets up to see who it could be. It's about 1:45am so I can't imagine who it could be. She comes walking back into the room with Tyler behind her. "It's for you," she says, sounding less than thrilled.

Tyler has a swollen eye that is already starting to bruise. "What the hell happened to you?" I ask as I grab his face to look closer at his eye.

He winces in pain and pulls back. "You could have warned me earlier that you told him," Tyler says as he sits down on the couch, making himself at home.

I walk into the kitchen to get a bag of ice. It reminds me of when Jamie got elbowed in the eye and I had to get him ice too. "Jamie did this to you?" I ask as I hand him the bag and a towel to wrap it in.

"I came home and he was waiting for me."

"Sorry, it's not like we had much time to talk."

He smiles. "Yeah, you practically dragged me to that closet."

"Sitting right here. Don't need to know!" AnnMarie exclaims, putting her hands over her ears.

"I should get going anyway. Thanks for the ice." He stands up and walks towards the door and leaves, ice in hand.

"Well that was weird," I say, my eyes still on the door.

"Are you two, you know, together?"

"We are sleeping together. That's it. I'll probably never date again."

"You had a moment of weakness. You'll get back on your feet."

"Right now I feel totally out of control of my actions. My brain is scattered. It's not a good feeling. I should probably just get locked up so I can't go sleeping with every man I come in contact with."

Just seeing Tyler again stirred everything up all over again. It takes every bit of strength I have not to run after him and bang him right in his car. It's all I can think about. If it wasn't so late at night I would go for a walk to clear my head. I can't believe Jamie punched Tyler in the face. That is very unlike him. I guess this whole thing is enough to make anyone snap though. I don't blame him. He doesn't even know that Tyler basically made all of this happen. He could have just left me alone but instead he pursued me. I can only be strong for so long. I am not perfect. He did save me from sleeping with a stranger tonight, though, so there's that.

"I am going to head to bed. Don't stay up too late." AnnMarie leaves the room and goes to bed

It's already close to 2:30 am but I am not tired at all. I can't shut my brain off. Part of me wants to go to Jamie and beg him to take me back. I know that won't be a smart thing to do. Part of me wants to show up at Tyler's house and have my way with him. It's like I'm not even trying to handle my addiction anymore. What's the point? I spent 2 years of my life working so hard to keep my urges at bay only to be right back where I started. I know this is a life long thing that I will have to deal with but sometimes it gets exhausting. Maybe I will go for a walk to clear my head. I put my phone in my pocket and slowly open the front door and slip through the little crack I left myself. I slowly close the door and begin to walk down the road.

I could always count on a nice walk outside with the clear night sky to clear my head. All of these roads are so familiar since I used to live in this neighborhood. Seeing different landmarks sparks different memories in my mind. I walk down a few more blocks to where there is a little playground. I wouldn't call it a park. It's just a place where kids can climb, swing, and play basketball. I sit on one of the swings and swing back and forth. My head is on a swivel since I know that the police don't really appreciate people hanging out around the park at 3am. I make circles in the dirt below me with my foot but am interrupted when I hear a car pull up behind me. I turn around and see headlights but can't quite make out if it's a cop or someone coming to murder me.

I stand up and put my hand over my eyes to block out some of the light. As the person gets closer I can tell who it is. "Val, is that you?" I ask, still squinting from the headlights.

"Yeah. You ok?" he asks as he makes his way closer to me.Valeri Nichushkin, one of Jamie and Tyler's teammates on the Stars. I haven't had much contact with Valeri other than the few times Jamie had him over and seeing him at games. I've never actually tried to have a conversation with him since he still speaks limited English.

"I'm ok. Thanks for asking."

"Need a ride?" he asks as he touches my arm and rubs it up and down in a comforting way. I look up into his light blue eyes and smile. He smiles back. I doubt he knows what is going on in my mind right now. The feeling of his skin against mine lights a up a spark inside me.

"Yes I do," I reply and we start walking towards his car. I don't really need a ride back but I plan on having my way with him.

We get in the car and he moves his hand to put the car in reverse to back out of the spot but I put my hand on his to stop him. He looks at me, confused, and slowly pulls his hand away. I put my hand on his knee and slowly move it up his thigh. The higher I go, the wider his eyes get. I smirk but don't say a word and neither does he. My hand lingers on the inside of his upper thigh as I pull his head closer to mine with my other hand and slowly kiss him. He doesn't hesitate and kisses me back. It's like we are moving in slow motion. I doubt he even knows what is going on. I climb over the center console and onto his lap, straddling him. I continue to kiss him while moving my hips back and forth, grinding on him. I can feel him getting hard under me. 

I have a skirt on so all I have to do is get him to pull it out. He doesn't seem to be too into it. I don't blame him. He still thinks I'm Jamie's girlfriend. I am coming on pretty strong. "Just let relax and let it happen," I whisper into his ear as I unzip his jeans.

"Ok," he replies. He bucks his hips up to pull his jeans down just enough to pull his cock out of his boxers. Once he gets it out I stroke it a few times to get him rock hard and I sit down on him. He lets out a deep breath as I start to move my hips. He's pretty quiet, not like Tyler, but he's quiet all the time usually. He puts his hands on my hips and starts to get into it as I slowly fuck him. It takes a little longer than I expected for him to cum but I think it's because I caught him off guard. After he cums I get off of him and sit back in the passenger's seat. He pulls his jeans back up and drives me to AnnMarie's house. The car ride is silent. I'm pretty sure I've scarred him for life. I don't feel bad. I needed it.


	5. Three Words. Oliver Ekman-Larsson

Yesterday was so crazy between telling Jamie, Tyler finding me at the club, sleeping with Val in his car, and telling AnnMarie everything too. This morning I finally turned my phone on after having it off for most of the day yesterday and I have so many messages from Dr. Murray. I don't even want to call him back at this point. I don't want to be better. I know it's bad but when I was with Val and couldn't control myself and just had to have him I felt so alive. Always having to control myself has been so exhausting. Now I feel like I don't have to. I know it's self destructive behavior but this is what I need right now. I also have a message from my sponsor, I missed the meeting last night as well.

My heart skips a beat when I see there is a missed text message from Jamie. I don't want to open it in case he's cursing me out but part of me hopes that it is him telling me to come home. After staring at my phone for I don't even know how long I finally click open the message.

Jamieboo : You can come during the game to get your things.

My heart sinks. I know I don't deserve his forgiveness but I was hoping he'd want to try to make it work anyway. I wipe the tears off of my face when I hear AnnMarie walk into the kitchen.

"Do you want me to drop you off at your car on my way to work?" she yells from the other room.

"Yeah that would be fine," I say as I walk into the kitchen, "Jamie said to come get my things tonight while he is at the game."

"So this is real? You guys are over."

"It looks that way."

After AnnMarie drops me off at my car I drive around for a bit. I am feeling a bit lost. I know once I get my things from Jamie's that it's really over. It has been my home for about a year now. He asked me to move in on our one year anniversary. I remember how proud of myself I was for being able to stay with one person for so long. I drive past the gym and can't help but laugh. That's where Tyler first came on to me. I am reminded of how it felt when I was punching the punching bag. I need some of that tension lifting therapy right now. I know I have my gym bag in my trunk so I turn around and head to the gym.

After changing into my gym clothes in the locker room I go to the treadmills and have an easy warm up jog. After jogging for 30 minutes I do some light lifting. I know I am going to do some boxing so I don't want to tire my arms out too much. I have to admit it is weird going to the gym without Jamie. We always came here together. Today is a game day so at least people won't be asking me where he is. I know I will have to answer to our breakup once it becomes public. I just hope we can keep it quiet for a while. Once I am finished with the weights I walk to the boxing area of the gym. The boxing zone. There are mostly men here but that doesn't intimidate me. I grab some gloves from the desk and make a mental note to buy my own since I feel like I will be coming here a lot more often now that I am single.

Last time I was here I was just kind of winging it with punching the bag and I want to make sure I get the most effective workout. A long time ago my dad taught me a little bit about boxing but I have to admit I wasn't very interested then I don't remember a lot of what he said. I can see this becoming a passion of mine. So I want to find a trainer that can help me. Before I walk to an open bag I watch a few guys getting trained in the ring. It's like art watching them work. They use every muscle in their bodies. I get lost in watching the sweat dripping down their backs. chests, arms, everywhere until one guy connects with a punch and the other goes down.

"Wow," I mutter to myself out loud.

I walk over to one of the trainers and ask them if they can work with me. We walk over to an area in the corner of the boxing zone and talk a little about what it is I want to learn and accomplish from being trained. I explain to him my limited experience with boxing but that I feel like there is something inside me that wants to come out through boxing. Right then and there we come up with a schedule and have the training charges added to my gym membership. He walks me over to his station and we begin.

I have to admit, the training session kicked my ass more than I thought it would. I thought I was in good shape but you have to be in a whole kind of other shape for boxing. I do like how I feel afterwards. I think it's going to help me with my addiction. It will be something else to focus on. After taking a shower and getting changed back into my clothes, the same clothes I have had one for 2 days now, I look at the time on my phone and know that Jamie has already left for the arena. I might as well get this over with and go pick up my things now before I change my mind and not go at all.

It's weird to pull up to the house I no longer call my home anymore. Now it's just Jamie's house. I pull into the driveway and immediately realize I am completely unprepared to move my whole life out of this house. I don't even have one box to put anything into. I walk into the house and feel an overwhelming feeling of sadness. I loved living here. I loved the life I had with Jamie. I don't want to move. I want to stay here. I spend a lot of time just walking around and thinking of all of the great times I had in this house with Jamie. I grab a few trash bags from the kitchen. All I am going to be able to do today is stuff some clothes into these bags. This just gets more and more depressing.

I reluctantly walk into the bedroom with my trash bags in hand. I just stand in the doorway at first and look around. This is where he first told me he loved me. This is the place that I decided that I trusted him enough to think it was safe to have sex again. Before I had met Jamie I was going a while not having sex with anyone. Dr. Murray and I felt it was the best way to keep me under control. It was hard but it was working. It was after a game one night and Jamie had a really good night on the ice. He was telling me all about it even though I was there to see it. He was not only proud of himself but proud of his team and it sparked something in me to make me realize he was someone special and I would be ok with just him. Of course Dr. Murray wasn't happy when I told him but I was determined to make a real relationship work.

I walk to the closet and start grabbing my clothes by the hangers and shoving them into the bags. The more the closet looks empty, the more angry I get. I am mostly angry at myself but I have to admit I am a little angry at Jamie for breaking up with me. I know I deserve it. I do. I understand why he is upset. I am just not ready to let him go so I am mad. It doesn't take me long to clear out my closet. I have a few full bags of clothes already. I bring them out to my car and shove them in the back seat. I come back inside, grab a few more bags from the kitchen, and walk back into the bedroom to start emptying out the drawers.

Once I finish stuffing all of the rest of my clothes into bags I walk down to the living room and sit down on the couch after tossing all of the bags on the floor in front of me. I notice the time on the cable box is almost 7 o'clock. The game is about to start. I might as well watch it here. Nobody will know. I will be out of here before Jamie even leaves the arena. Staying here is probably a bad idea. Just being on the couch and hugging the pillow Jamie always leans on, it smells like him, it brings back so many good memories. I remember when I bought this pillow for Jamie. We were in Target and he was in the next aisle. I picked the pillow up and threw it over and it landed right on him. He called it the most ugly thing he ever saw and I knew it had to be ours. I bought it and wrapped it up and made him open it up. He laughed for 5 minutes and used it every day ever since. I'm surprised he hasn't burned it yet.

"Amy? Amy?" I hear, being awoken from a deep sleep.

I slowly open my eyes to see Jamie standing over me with a not so pleased look on his face. I jump up from the couch and throw the pillow to the floor. "I'm sorry I must have fallen asleep. I wasn't supposed to be here."

"You're damn right you weren't supposed to be here," he yells. It's not a loud yell but a raised voice yell.

"I wish we could just talk about this, Jamie, I love you."

"We are not talking about this. Just get your stuff and go...please. I can't even look at you." He walks out of the room muttering under his breath.

I pick up my sad trash bags full of clothes and slowly walk to the door to leave. I am hoping he stops me and calls me back to talk but he never does. I open the door and stay there for what feels like an eternity. He doesn't even come back out. I close the door and go to my car. I put the rest of my clothes in the trunk and drive away.

It's been about a week since I moved my things out of Jamie's house. I haven't been able to sleep. I can't shut my brain off. I can't shut my whole body off. It's been a struggle keeping myself from getting into trouble. I've had to make myself stay indoors at all times. When I go out in public I get out of control. The Stars have been on a road trip so I haven't had Tyler to have sex with. I could just go out and sleep with random people but that would mean I'd have to work for it. The only reason I leave the house is to go to the gym. I have been spending way too much time in the boxing zone. Just about everyone there already knows my name. It's like Cheers every time I walk in there.

I pull up to the gym parking lot and see that Tyler is here. I didn't know they were back. I really just want to work out so I hope I don't run into him. I have been doing enough fantasizing about him the week he was gone that I am actually sick of him at this point. He is exhausting even when he's not here. I walk right to the boxing zone once I get inside. I finally got my own set of gloves. I can't wait to show them off to my trainer. They're Stars colors. I couldn't resist. My trainer, Phil Owen, has quickly become a close friend of mine. He has taught me so much about boxing and fitness. I can see why my dad has such a passion for it. If my dad knew I have taken up boxing I am sure he'd be proud.

"Phil, look they came in!" I exclaim, holding out my gloves for him to see. It's like Christmas day.

He walks over to me and admires them. "They look even better in person. You ready to break them in?"

"Hell yeah."

I work out with Phil for about an hour before taking a break. I usually spend about 3 hours a day with Phil, taking a break every hour. Phil says I am quickly becoming good enough to work in the boxing zone myself. I told him I'd think about it. Taking a job at the gym would mean I would have to learn a whole other form of self control and I am not ready for that right now. I am not even trying. I am dripping with sweat from the hard workout. I have my hair up in a ponytail. I am wearing some shorts and a sports bra. I take a towel out of my bag and wipe myself down. I reach back to the bench where my water bottle is to grab it so I can take a drink. I grab the bottle but my fingers touch someone else's fingers. I turn my head to see Tyler standing there holding my water bottle. He has an Under Armour shirt on that clings to his skin. I lick my lips and bite my lip as he smiles at me.

"Miss me?" he asks as he lets go of the bottle

I take a drink then rub the back of my neck. "Not really."

"Do you need me to rub that out?"

"I'm good." I am at a loss for words as I practically undress Tyler with my eyes. Not like I have to. His shirt is so tight I can see the outline of every single one of this muscles. His biceps are almost bursting out of the sleeves. His shorts cling to his butt because of sweat. He must be at least half way through his workout at this point. I don't even know how he knew I was here.

"Come with me," he says as he motions with his head towards an open punching bag. I follow him. He holds the bag. "Show me what you got. Nice gloves, by the way."

"I'm supposed to be taking a break." I punch the bag once.

"I can't believe you slept with Val," he says as I miss the bag and land a punch on his arm. It wasn't hard. It doesn't even phase him.

"He told you? I can't believe he told you." I punch the bag again.

"Am I not enough?" At first I thought he was joking being mad about it but his tone gets increasingly angry. Maybe it really does bother him. I can't see why it would, though, it's not like we are dating.

"You're kidding, right? All of the penises in the world are not enough and you think yours is special." He doesn't say anything. I can't believe I have actually rendered him speechless. He shoots daggers at me with his eyes. I didn't think he took this so seriously. I thought we were just having fun. "It's not like we are dating."

"You're saying I'm not dateable."

"I'm saying we aren't dating. I mean, come on, you slept with your best friend's girlfriend. Not exactly boyfriend material, there. I didn't think that was something you wanted anyway."

He pushes the bag in my direction. "It's not. I wouldn't want to be in a relationship with a two timing slut anyway." He doesn't give me a chance to reply before walking away.

"You're the one who seduced me in the first place, you asshole," I yell to him across the boxing zone. Everyone stops what they're doing to look in our direction. "I hope Jamie punches your other eye, fucker," I say out loud to myself. It's not loud enough for him to hear it. He's already out of sight. I can't believe he would even say something like that after what he did. I am fuming.

I walk back over to Phil's station and begin to go off on the punching bag. "Whoa whoa whoa," he says, "how about you take some of that anger out in the ring."

I haven't actually sparred with anyone before. I have practiced a bit with Phil but not full on sparring. I am so fired up that I don't even hesitate. I climb into the ring and he follows after me. I start dancing around the ring throwing a few punches to the air in Phil's direction. "Easy there, tiger," Phil says, "I have someone I'd like you to meet."

I recognize the man that climbs into the ring. Oliver Ekman-Larsson. He plays for the Arizona Coyotes. They are in town for a game tomorrow. Phil had mentioned he worked there before coming here. He looks a little surprised to see a girl standing before him. "I'm not fighting her," he says.

"Don't worry. I'll have her go easy on you," Phil jokes.

Oliver takes his shirt off and throws it to the corner of the ring. I look him up and down while Phil hands him head gear. He puts it on and begins stretching. My jaw drops as I watch every muscle flex, expand, and contract with every movement. He is not super built but he has a nice body. I mean, he's a hockey player, he's got to be in good shape. He catches me watching watching him and smiles, I smile back.

He has such an amazing smile. I don't blush often but I can tell that I am right now. His smile reaches across his whole face. I can't stop staring. We finally break eye contact and meet in the middle of the ring where Phil is waiting for us. There are a million things I'd rather be doing with Oliver right now besides boxing and none of them require clothing. "Tap gloves, " Phil says and we do with some hesitation. "Man, I can't believe you two would actually think I'd have you fight each other." Oliver and I exchange looks and laugh. "We are just going to go over basics."

"I was worried there for a second," I confess.

Phil goes over some actual fighting basics with me. I had expressed my interest in joining the women's boxing league he had started. Oliver just happened to stop by and Phil knows how big of a hockey fan I am. We were playing around trying to land soft punches on each other around I landed a punch on him that was harder than I had intended it to be right in the stomach. He doubles over I think more in shock than in pain. "I am so sorry," I say as I put my arm around his shoulders, "are you ok?"

"I'm good. Just surprised me." He stands up straight and takes a deep breath.

"I got carried away." I pull my arm away from him. My hand slides down his arm. My fingers almost linger at his."That tends to happen a lot with me."

"No worries. I can handle it." I just laugh in response. He has no idea. "What?"

"Nothing." He just continues to look at me. "It's just that I'm a lot to handle."

"I can tell."

Phil steps in between the space between us that gradually gets smaller the more we talk to one another. "How about we call it a day today? You worked pretty hard," he says to me with a wink. He turns to Oliver. "Ollie, always great to see you. Tell everyone I say hi."

"Do you need a ride back to the hotel? I'm going that way anyway." I'm not really but he doesn't have to know that.

"Yes, that would be great. Thank you."

"I'm just going to shower and change and I will meet you out front."

Once I get into the locker room I get a glance of myself in the mirror. I look like a train wreck. My hair is all over the place. My once tight pony tail is loose. I am dripping with sweat. I was out there flirting with Oliver looking like this? Why didn't anyone tell me? I quickly take a shower and change into my usual jeans and a t-shirt. I blow dry my hair to make it some what presentable and go outside to wait for Oliver. While I wait I check my phone. I am still getting messages from Dr. Murray. I haven't spoken with him since I blew him off after what happened with Jamie. I haven't been to any meetings since then either so I have a few concerned messages from Edison as well. I just ignore them. Right now I don't want to be better, I want to be bad.

Oliver joins me and we walk to my car. I know I have just met him but it feels like we are old friends already. The hotel is only a few minutes away from the gym so it doesn't take long for me to get there. I want him to ask me to come in with him but I can't make it obvious. He seems like he is on the quiet/shy side. Me being forward might chase him away. All I can see in my head is him with his shirt off standing there smiling at me. I pull into a spot and park the car. He opens the door and looks back at me and says, "you coming?"

"Hell yeah." I practically forget to turn the car off before jumping out.

The elevator ride to his room is quiet. We exchange a few glances here and there. I am not sure what he wants to happen. I sure as hell know what it looks like but that doesn't mean I am reading the signals right. I've wanted to sleep with him from the moment I laid eyes on him. I feel my phone vibrating in my pocket and I ignore it all the way to the room door. Oliver gets his wallet out to get his room key and I check my phone. I have a few messages from Tyler. I roll my eyes and put my phone back in my pocket. I am not dealing with him tonight. He gets the door open and I follow him into the room. He puts his bag down on the floor in front of the foot of the bed and sits down on the end of the bed and takes his shoes off. I stay standing in the doorway. I am not sure what I am supposed to be doing.

He scoots to the other end of the bed, props himself up with a pillow, and crosses his legs out in front of him. I slowly kick my shoes off, still not moving from my spot by the door, and smile. Oliver takes his shirt off and drops it on the floor. I take my shirt off and drop it to the floor, still not moving from my spot. I like this game. We don't break eye contact the whole time. This is very different from what usually happens. I get out of control, tear the clothes of someone, and fuck the shit out of them. This is much more sensual. I can barely contain myself but I try really hard. I bet the longer I wait the more amazing it will feel. To get this much pleasure without even touching is a new experience for me. I watch him watching me and wonder what is going on in his head.

Neither of us make a move. He sits on the bed and I stand in my spot and we look at each other and watch. I can't help but let a smile creep across my face. "Your turn," I finally say. It's the first thing either of us have said since we left the car. He nods his head no. "I'm not playing this game." I walk over to the bed and climb over him. Not on top of him, just hovering over him. I put my hands on either side of his head and hold myself up. I want to kiss him so bad but I am enjoying holding back too much. He runs his hands over my back. I slowly lower myself on top of him and kiss him.

He reaches up and unzips my jeans and pulls them down passed my hips all while still kissing me. Once I get my pants off he works on taking his off as well. I hover over him while he rubs his hands up and down my back. I want to fuck him so badly but the building anticipation is making me so wet. I can't believe how crazed I feel. I want to continue feeling this way. He rests his hands on my ass but doesn't push me towards him. It's like he's enjoying this as well. We finally break from our kiss and we both smile. He takes my hand and puts his on his cock. He's rock hard. I lean down to kiss him as I grab hold of it and stroke it. He thrusts a few times in my hand. It's getting harder for me not to fuck him. I finally let go and lower myself onto him. 

Last night was incredible. It really is amazing that no matter how many times I have sex each time is a different experience. We went at it a few times actually. I couldn't help myself and he wasn't complaining. He asked me to stay the night so I did. I usually don't stay over with the guys I sleep with but he was just so sweet so I couldn't resist. Today is game day and I know how hectic game day can be so I leave before he leaves for morning skate. I pretty much have to sneak out of the hotel so I am not spotted. It's not really public knowledge that Jamie and I are no longer together and I know I would like that to be kept private for as long as possible. There are buzzes going around about Jamie and Tyler not speaking to each other but I try not to spend too much time worrying about it.

I leave the hotel and go to AnnMarie's house. I know I have some explaining to do as to where I was last night. I said I wasn't coming home but I didn't give details. I have a busy day planned. I am going to be going back to the gym and I think I am going to go to the game tonight. The only thing keeping me from wanting to go to the game is Tyler and his non stop messages. I am exaggerating, they are not non stop although there are about 6 messages in there waiting for me. I am tempted to once again turn off my phone. I don't want to be bothered. My therapist, my sponsor, my fuck buddy. I don't want to deal with any of them right now. The one person I want to call me is the one person who wants nothing to do with me.

By the time I get to AnnMarie's house she's already at work so I change into sweatpants and a t-shirt and relax on the couch. I've already decided to skip the gym today. I am due for a rest day anyway. Phil always says I work out too much, that I need to give my body time to rest so I am resting. I wind up falling asleep on the couch watching I don't even know what on the TV. I wasn't really paying attention. Not too long after I wake up AnnMarie comes home. "Look who's home," she says when she notices me sitting on the couch.

"Yeah I decided to stay home today."

"But not last night." I can tell she isn't happy with me.

"At least I got a good night's sleep."

"Do I even want to know where you were last night?"

"Three words. Oliver Ekman-Larsson."

"You're insane."

"I am not arguing with you there. I went a week and then Tyler got me pissed off and Ollie took his shirt off. My brain isn't equipped to handle such hotness without needing to touch it. It's not my fault!"

"You need to start going to your therapist again or at least the meetings."

"How about we go to the game tonight instead?

"We can do that."

After I feel my phone vibrating in my pocket once more I finally decide to take it out to see what it is that Tyler wants. There are messages there from other people too but I open Tyler's first.

Tyler : I shouldn't have called you a slut

Tyler : You were kinda fucked up tho

Tyler : Call me

Tyler : We should talk

Tyler : You ok?

Tyler : Come to the game tonight

Tyler : I know you're mad but let me know you're ok

I didn't know there were actually moments where Tyler didn't act like an insensitive jerk. I am still a little mad at the way he acted though. I know I shouldn't have said what I said but he pushed my buttons. I haven't been to a game since Jamie and I broke up. I don't even know if I should go. I really do want to but I don't want to make Jamie feel uncomfortable. I am sure all of this has been very hard on him. He has to work with Tyler every day. Oliver is going to be there too so that should be interesting. I send Tyler a message that I am alive just so he doesn't think I am lying dead in a ditch somewhere but I still don't want to talk to him.


	6. Come to Boston With Me

I get some different tickets for us to sit in for the game. I think Tyler left me some but I can't face the other players wives and girlfriends. I am sure word has started to circulate by now. It didn't help that Tyler and I were screaming at each other in the gym. We get to the arena and my favorite security guard lets us in the VIP entrance. I am still being treated like royalty. They don't know I am no longer Mrs. Team Captain. Just as we sit down in our seats warmups start. We are sitting on the Stars side even though I am not sure how things will go if Jamie spots me.

This is the first time going to a game since the break up so I haven't been able to see first hand just how depressing warm ups are when Tyler and Jamie aren't speaking. There is no goofing around, strictly business. They have been playing well so at least it isn't affecting their game. They used to play well together before but it seems somehow they have gotten even better. The Stars have been doing so well lately that they have moved into first place. It hurts seeing Jamie out there knowing that he probably spends most of the hours of his days hating my guts. I still love him and miss him. I just show it in a different way than most would.

All through out warmups I can't keep my eyes off of Jamie. I have always loved watching him play. I don't get to see him anymore so watching him out there feels nice. Jamie is standing along the boards waiting on his turn to shoot when Tyler skates right in front of him. He pulls up his jersey to fix his shorts exposing his stomach. Why he doesn't wear anything under his pads is beyond me but I am not complaining. He looks right in my direction and winks. Jamie pushes him out of the way so hard that he falls. It wasn't a joking push. It was a mean, angry push. Tyler gets up and skates away. Jamie just looks down at the ice. I can't handle this.

"I need a drink," I say as I stand up, "you want anything?"

"Just a soda."

I walk over to the concession stand and order a beer and a soda. I wait for warm ups to be over before I go back to my seat. I can't watch them anymore. It breaks my heart. I walk back to my seat just in time to watch Tyler taking his selfie with the fan for this game. I look over at the other side of the rink and Oliver is just skating off. He looks into the crowd and it looks like he looks in my direction so I wave and he waves back. Oh my god, he saw me. Tyler looks back at me with a snarl. Maybe he didn't see. He breaks his stick on the side of the glass. Ok maybe he saw.

The game was going well until Tyler checks Oliver hard into the boards. He winds up having to leave the game. I feel terrible. Tyler's jealousy is out of control. I am surprised he hasn't checked Val into the boards yet. After I watch Oliver leave the ice I order myself another beer, or 2, ok I ordered myself another 2 beers. I drink both of them pretty quickly one after the other. During the 2nd intermission I get myself 2 more beers. I am feeling pretty buzzed and I am not done drinking. I sit back down at my seat with my two more beers in my hands. "This is it, right?" AnnMarie asks as I chug down my first cup.

"I think so," I slur. I chug down my second cup. "Nope, I'm not done. I'll be right back." I stand up to go get more but AnnMarie grabs the back of my shirt and I sit back down. "You're right. Bad things happen when I drink."

The Stars win the game and Oliver never came back to play. I hope nothing is seriously wrong with him. If Tyler thinks hurting all of the people I have sex with is going to get me to not be mad at him he is dead wrong. After the game we get caught up talking to a few friends and leave a little later than usual. I am still drunk from drinking so I am more touchy than usual. We walk out to where we are parked in the parking lot. I am laughing at I don't even know what. As we get closer to the car I notice Tyler is walking towards us. I don't want to but I smile at the sight of him. It helps that I am pretty drunk.

"Can we talk?" he asks once he catches up with us. "Alone," he adds as he puts his hand on my arm.

AnnMarie steps in between us. "I'm not going anywhere. She's drunk and you're you."

"Fair enough."

We walk just a few feet away and he leans against the back of my car. I take his hands in mine and put them on my butt. "Grab my ass," I say forcefully.

He quickly pulls his hands away and holds them up to show he wasn't responsible for the butt grabbing. "Wow, you are drunk. Maybe we should talk another time."

"We can talk. I'm fine. Just feeling buzzed."

"Listen, I shouldn't have called you a slut. It's just that I like you and it makes me crazy to know you sleep with other guys. Can't it just be me?"

"Come on, Tyler, do you really think that is a good idea? I am not in a good place right now. If you can't handle it we can stop sleeping together."

"No I don't want that."

"I'm sorry for what I said too. I went that week you were gone not sleeping with anyone and I wasn't getting any sleep."

He smiles. "You missed me."

I roll my eyes. "Get over yourself," I say as I playfully push him.

He grabs my wrists and pulls me close to him and kisses me. It takes me by surprise so I don't have time to react and before I know it the kiss is over. "Bye," he says as he hugs me and walks away.

I watch as he walks away with a smile on my face. That was very sweet which was unexpected. What we have together is so animalistic and primal most of the time. We don't have many tender moments like that. It's nice. "You like him," AnnMarie matter of factly says, breaking me from my Tyler induced trance.

"Pfft, I do not."

"You really like him."

"I really like sex with him."

We get in the car and AnnMarie drives us home. The whole way there I can't get Tyler out of my mind. There is no way I am going to just sit at home and relax with the way I am feeling right now. I need to let go. I need to get out. The gym is closed but the club is just getting started. When we get home I change into something more revealing. AnnMarie begs me not to leave but I just have to. It's the only way I am going to be able to calm down.

I start drinking almost immediately after getting into the club. I am still buzzed from drinking at the game so the room starts spinning once I finish my first drink. I take only a few steps from the bar and stumble. I can barely stand up straight let alone walk. I feel like the bass from the music is pounding in my eardrums. I manage to stumble to a pillar and lean up against it. I am feeling nauseous. Something is not right. There is no way one drink would do this to me. They water these drinks down anyway.

Someone comes up from behind me and starts dancing on me. I try to get the words, "I don't want to dance" out but I don't think they came out as words. It was more like noises. Each second that goes by I get more and more dizzy. The guy doesn't back off. I try walking away but I start stumbling. The guy grabs me and pulls me up against him. I try to push him away but I have no strength. I try to call out for help but no sounds come out. Nobody would be able to hear me above the music anyway. He starts dragging me through the crowd and into the hallway where the bathrooms are. He starts kissing me and I try moving my head away but I am so out of it I can't move a muscle.

I am scared that I can't defend myself. Every time I try to move it feels like I have 50 pounds of sand in my limbs. I can't see straight at all. I want to cry. I try to keep my eyes open but it feels almost impossible. All I can do is feel him on me, touching me, kissing me. I hear a commotion but I can't tell what's going on. I fall to the ground as I lose what strength I have left. I feel someone fall to my feet and I twitch in fear. I want to jump up but I can't. I squint to try to focus but everything is blurry. All of a sudden I am lifted off the ground and I hear a familiar voice. "I got you." It's Tyler.

I wake up with a piercing headache and it takes me a few seconds to focus my eyes. When I finally get them open and can see I see Tyler sitting in the bed next to me on his phone. His bed. We are in his bed. I can't remember much from last night and I have no idea how I got here. Tyler has his grey polo pajama pants on and a black tank top. I love those pajama pants. He looks so good in them. He notices I am awake and smiles. "What happened last night?" I asked groggily.

"They think someone drugged you and he tried to rape you." He pierces his lips together. "I stopped him."

"Holy shit," is all I can say.

"They arrested the guy. The police want you to talk to them when you're ready." He hands me a business card. "I can take you there if you want."

"I don't remember anything," I say as I hang my head. I can't believe this happened to me. AnnMarie begged me to stay home but I just had to go out and this is what happens. I feel stupid, like I was asking for it. I am ashamed of myself. "I'm so stupid." I sniffle as tears begin to roll down my cheeks.

Tyler scoots closer to me and puts his arm around my back. I lean my head on his shoulder. "Don't say that. This is not your fault."

"Thank you for taking care of me. You're a great friend." I pause. "Well maybe not if you ask Jamie." I laugh at my own joke.

"Good to see you still have your sense of humor." He kisses my forehead.

"The only way to keep from crying."

"Speaking of Jamie, I should tell you he was here." He mumbles a little bit. I am sure he doesn't really want to bring Jamie up. He knows I still love him.

"He was?" Just the mention of his name makes my heart skip a beat. Maybe he doesn't hate my guts after all. I am not delusional as to think this means he will take me back. I am comforted to know that he still cares enough to come see if I was ok.

"I had to tell him. I was worried. I didn't know what to do."

"Did you two kiss and make up?"

He laughs. "No. We did talk, though, and we are ok. He's not happy with me but I think we can get back to the way things used to be."

"Well thank God for that. Can't have the Seguin/Benn bromance be destroyed forever. That would be a crime against humanity," I say sarcastically. He just looks at me smiling. "What?"

He shakes his head. "Nothing."

"I should probably get going. Can you take me to my car?"

"Of course."

After turning down numerous offers from Tyler to take me out to breakfast he finally drives me to where my car is parked. I sit in my driver's seat with the police business card in hand. I trace over the raised lettering with my finger. I know Tyler said he wanted to be with me when I went to the police but I'd rather do it on my own. I have to stop relying so much on him being there. I wind up just pushing him away anyway. Even though I haven't showered and I am wearing Tyler's clothes since my dress got ripped I reluctantly drive to the police station. I sit outside in my car watching people walk in and out. The ringing of my phone startles me out of my trance. I don't look down to see who it is. I just let it ring as I continue to stare at the doors.

I ultimately decide right now is not the right time to do this. I want to go home. I wish the home I was referring to was Jamie's but it's not. I drive passed Jamie's house on the way to AnnMarie's. I slow down and almost fully stop the car once I get there. I have to pull away as a car comes up behind me. I wanted so very much to go inside. If I were to be honest I would say I am not ready to try to talk everything out with Jamie. I am not ready at this time to go back into recovery. I am having conflicting feelings. I was drugged and raped last night but yet my body yearns for sex. It's like none of that ever happened.

Instead of going home I decide to go to the gym instead. I know letting off some steam will help. I won't go to the boxing zone, maybe I will just go for a run on the treadmill. I don't have clean workout clothes in my bag so I am going to have to settle for the clothes I am wearing. Tyler's sweatpants and a t-shirt. I wish I had shorts. I walk passed the weight room to the treadmills and the image of Jamie doing squats stops me in my tracks. I just stand and watch. I quickly scurry away after he spots me drooling over his squatting ass. I put my earbuds in and get on my usual treadmill closest to the wall.

I get a good jogging rhythm going when I see Jamie out of the corner of my eye. He is standing next to me and watching. I stop the treadmill because he continues to stare. I pull my earbuds out and put them in my pocket. "Hi," I say with a wave.

"Hey," he says with a nod, "heard what happened. Glad you're ok."

"Thanks." I look down at the floor. "I miss you."

"I have to go."

By the time I look back up he is already gone. I had a feeling it was a bad idea to say that but I just had to. I do miss him. He needs to know it. I get back on my treadmill and continue to jog. The images of Jamie in the weight room play in my head. The muscles in his butt tightening with his squats. The longer I think about him the faster I run. I have the treadmill on the highest speed and I am now at a sprint. Sweat is pouring down my face and my body. The sweatpants are starting to stick to my legs. Just as it feels as if my legs might give out on me I stop the treadmill and get off. I do some stretching before heading to the locker room to take a shower. I wish I had some other clothes to change into.

I am so hungry but I can't go out in public in these clothes. That hotel has a restaurant that I love going to and it's more casual since it's attached to the hotel. I guess I can go there. I am craving a good pulled pork sandwich. After my shower I put Tyler's clothes back on and walk out to my car. Before I get in I check my trunk to see if I have any spare clothes thrown in there that I might have forgotten about. Success! I must have left one of those bags of clothes I packed from Jamie's house in my trunk. I must have something in here I can whip together. I am lucky to have jeans and a tshirt packed away in this bag. I smile when I spot one of Jamie's white v-necks mixed in with my clothes. I admit that I snatched it from his house when I was packing. It still smells like him. I pull it to my face and take a whiff before dropping it back in the bag and closing the trunk.

After going back into the gym locker room to get changed I walk back out to my car and head to the restaurant. As soon as I walk in to the restaurant I know that there are hockey players here. It's just the way they carry themselves when they are out in public together. I've been around hockey enough to just know these things. It's like a 6th sense. I sit down at a table and wait for my waiter. I don't look at the menu, I don't have to. I always get the pulled pork sandwich. I honestly don't even know what other food this place serves. I rest my head on my hand and rub my temples as I watch the hockey players laugh with each other on the other side of the restaurant. My head is killing me.

After ordering my food I put my head in both of my hands and continue to rub my temples on both sides of my head. I look up when I hear the waiter put my drink on the table. I thank him and take a sip. As I lower the glass from my mouth I spot one of the players looking over at me. I look down at the table. The last thing I need right now is temptation. I look up to see if he is still looking at me and he smiles. I can't help but smile back. It was one of those heart melting smirk smiles. The kind you know has trouble written all over it. I watch as he stands up and makes his way across the room and to my table. Without saying a word he sits down in the chair in front of me. "Need some company?" he asks. He has this accent but I can't quite place where it's from, it's sexy though.

"Sure if you don't mind watching me stuff my face with a pulled pork sandwich," I reply as the waiter places my plate in front of me.

"I don't mind." He leans back in the chair and crosses his arms over his chest and smiles. I bite my lip and smile back. It's like he's undressing me with his eyes the way he looks at me. I just stare right back into his light grey eyes. "Are you going to start?"

"Are you going to actually watch me eat?" I retort.

"I am." I roll my eyes and begin to eat my sandwich. It's weird to have someone just sitting there and watching me eat. This is only the singular worst sandwich to eat when you have a hot guy watching you. I try not to get much barbecue sauce on my face but it's impossible. I wipe my face often so I don't look like a pig. I should have just gotten a salad or something. "I'm Raphael."

"Amy. You're on the Flames, right?"

"Oh so you watch hockey?" he asks as he leans forward and rests his elbows on the table.

"You could say that," I reply as I leave some money for the waiter.

He picks up my money and hands it back to me. "I got this."

"You're too kind," I say as I put the money back in my wallet. I reach across the table and put my hands on his hands. "I should thank you in some way."

He leans over the table and kisses me. That was unexpected. He leans back and smirks. I stand up and walk over to the other side of the table to where he is sitting. I sit down on his lap and kiss him as I run my fingers through his soft, dark hair. He wraps his arms around me and forcefully kisses me back. I can hear hoots and hollers coming from where the other guys on the team are sitting. I pull away and look over at them and wave. He whispers in my ear, "wanna go up to my room?"

"It's about time you asked. Let's go."

I stand up and he takes my hand as he stands up. He leads me to the elevator and we step on once the doors open. He hits his floor number and immediately pins me against the wall as soon as the doors close and kisses my neck. "God damn," I say. I'm usually the one who takes charge so it's a different feeling that he is more aggressive. I am not complaining.

The doors to the elevator ding open and he practically drags me out and down the hallway to his room. I kiss his neck as he tries to get the room key out of his wallet. The moment the door opens we get inside and he pushes me down on the bed and crawls on top of me. I pull his shirt over his head and off and continue to kiss him. All of a sudden I hear someone clearing their throat. We stop what we are doing and look to the left. Sean Monahan is sitting on his bed and gives us a wave. "Uhm hi there."

"You can either join in or get out," I say, "I don't mind either way."

"Get out," Raphael adds as he points to the door. I laugh.

I don't even wait until Sean leaves before continuing where we left off. Raphael begins to kiss my neck and I look over his back at Sean who is exiting the room. "I'll meet you out in the hall for round two, Sean," I call out to him as he quickly shuts the door behind him.

"I don't think so," Raphael says. We kiss more passionately as we begin to remove more articles of clothing from one another. 

I spread my legs open and he wastes no time positioning himself inside of me. He grabs onto the headboard for leverage as he thrusts into me. I close my eyes and picture the way Jamie looked at the gym today. I wish it were him fucking me right now. I open my eyes and look into Raphael's grey eyes. They're beautiful. He smiles right before thrusting harder and I let out a series of moans. It's like he knew what I was thinking and he's here to say 'I'm good in bed. Fuck that guy.' 

I leave the room almost immediately after we are done. They have a game and I really should get home. I am sure AnnMarie is worried about me. I don't really keep my phone on much these days. It's just filled with messages from people who are worried about me. It's not that I don't appreciate it, I do, it's just that I don't want their help right now.

It is so good to be home after the night I had last night and the day I had today. I walk into the house with the last bag of clothes I still had in my car. AnnMarie is sitting on the couch watching something on TV. I drop the bag off in my room and come back out to join her. "Do I even want to know?" she asks. I can't erase the smile from my face. "Is that a hickey?"

"What?" I hadn't noticed a hickey but then again I wasn't really looking into a mirror. I take my phone out and turn the front facing camera on. "Oh. Yeah. That's a hickey alright."

"Was that from what happened to you last night?"

I am reluctant to answer. "Negative."

"Just be careful. That's all I ask."

"I try."

Originally I had planned to go to the game tonight but I would rather stay home and watch it on the couch. I am exhausted and I don't want to move. I love my Stars but a few times during the game I find myself silently rooting for Raphael. He gets 2 goals early in the game. "Imagine if he got a hat trick?" I say, "he would owe me." With seconds to go in the game he gets his 3rd goal. I actually stand up and cheer for him. I send him a text message 'you're welcome.'

AnnMarie looks at me amused. "Now I know who you fucked today."

"Don't tell Tyler."

"I won't have to. That hickey is going to tell him."

"It was worth it."

After the game is over I go into my room and lie down on the bed. I am so tired. I spot the bag on the floor next to the bed. Jamie's t-shirt hangs out of the bag. I reach down, grab it, and bring it close to me. I roll it up into a ball and hug it close to me as I smell his scent. Seeing him today was nice. I just hate how he looks at me now. It doesn't take long for me to drift off to sleep. I am not asleep long before I feel something brush up against my leg. I open my eyes and turn over to see Tyler lying next to me. "I'm tired," I say as I yawn.

"Me too. I just want to lay here." He wraps his arms around me and I nuzzle into his chest. Sometimes I feel like this is what I want. Sometimes I look at Tyler and truly feel like I could make it work. There are just so many doubts. My head is all scrambled. I don't know what I want right now. Last night was scary. "Come to Boston with me."

"Hmm?" I say, half asleep.

He brushes my hair behind my ear and twirls the end on his finger. "You should come to...is that a hickey?" He pushes all of my hair to the side. "Where the fuck did you get this?"

"And the moment's over."

"I am serious. Where?"

"Do you really want to know?"

"No." He rubs my arm from my shoulder to my elbow and back up. "So Boston?"

I scoff. "You got over that quickly."

"I'm used to you by now. You still haven't answered my question."

"Do you really think that would be a good idea?" I still am holding out hope that one day Jamie will take me back and going to Boston with Tyler is not going to help that.

"Let's be honest. None of this is a good idea."

"Yeah, I'll go, but Jamie can't find out."

"Fine."

We stay in bed together for a while without saying anything. I just listen to him breathe and feel his heart beat through his chest. I sigh deeply and close my eyes. I haven't had a close moment like this in so long. I would be lying if I said I didn't wish it was Jamie's arms I was wrapped in but it feels good. Right in this moment I am happy it is Tyler. I fight sleep as long as I can just to soak it all in but I don't last long. I drift off to sleep with a smile on my face.


	7. Double Whammy

In the morning I don't have much time to do anything but pack and get a cab to the airport. Tyler arranged for me to fly out to Boston before the team gets there so I am already checked in by the time they arrive. I am having second thoughts about going. Even though I love being with Tyler and we have a lot of fun sometimes I feel like he is toxic for me. I should be going to therapy and I should be going to my meetings. At this point I don't want to try to get help. I know this leads down a dangerous road but I don't care. I feel like I am always high on drugs. My mind is never clear anymore. I let my urges dictate my actions. Dr. Murray has been trying every single day to get in contact with me but I continue to ignore him.

I pack just a few things for the weekend before calling for a car to pick me up. Tyler has already left since he has to be at the arena to leave with the rest of the team. I get my bag together and head outside to wait for my ride. Not too much longer AnnMarie joins me as she is leaving for work. "Don't do anything stupid out there," she says as she hits the unlock button on her car remote.

"I cannot make that promise."

"Do you think this is a good idea?"

"I know it's not but I am going anyway. I just can't say no to Tyler."

"Yeah no shit." She walks to her car. "See you when you get back. Be safe."

Almost immediately after AnnMarie pulls out of the driveway my car pulls up. The driver pops the trunk after he parks and I put my bag in. I get in the car and am on the way to the airport. On the way there I have small chit chat with the driver about where I am going and why I am going there. I explain I am going to Boston to see a hockey game with a friend. It's partially true. I am a little nervous about the flight. I don't like flying. I don't like sitting so close to other people. It's hard to control myself sometimes. I have gotten better over the years but since I haven't been doing what I am supposed to be doing I am sure this flight is going to be a challenge.

Once I get to the airport I put my earbuds in and try to distract myself from the world. The last few days have been such a roller coaster between what happened at the club to seeing Jamie at the gym to having a really nice night with Tyler, I am not feeling like myself. I feel like something is inside of me trying to claw its way out. I have been finding it harder and harder to stop myself in situations where I feel so out of control. I remember when I used to be like this...but worse. It was a dark time in my life but then I met Jamie and things fell into place. Now I don't know what I want or who I should be. Tyler does this to me. He's like a drug.

There are these meditation exercises that Dr. Murray taught me to get through times where it looks like I just can't walk away. I haven't done them nearly as much as I should. I use the time on the plane to clear my head and hopefully get me on the right track. Luckily the flight is only 3 and a half hours long. I think I can make it without getting myself into trouble. I just need to relax my mind. It does help that Tyler was extra thoughtful and got me a first class ticket. Not as close quarters up at this end of the plane. I lean my head back and rest it on my travel pillow. I close my eyes and begin my controlled breathing. It has been such a long time since I have taken the time for myself and my mind to just be clear headed.

I manage to keep my hands to myself the whole flight. I am pretty proud of myself. I am a member of the mile high club so I haven't always been able to make it through a whole flight. I have to admit that doing my meditation does feel really good. I am not 100% clear minded but I am a lot better than I was before I left. Progress. When I land I get into a taxi and am taken to the hotel after picking up my bag from baggage claim. Once I get to the hotel I check in and drop my bag off in my room. I quickly become restless and decide to take an Uber to the practice arena to watch the Bruins practice. I have nothing else to do and Tyler won't be here until later.

It's always fun to watch different hockey teams practice. They all have a different way of doing things but you can also see what is similar. I have never been to Boston so I am not quite sure what to expect. I know this city had a major impact on Tyler, it being his first team and all. Maybe that's why he wanted me to come. He wanted to share it with me. Maybe he just wants to get laid. Although he could walk up to anyone with a pulse and say fuck me and they'd say ok. There are only a handful of fans at the practice. A few groups of people sitting on different parts of the bleachers. I sit down by one of the goals by myself. I take a picture of the team out on the ice and send it to Tyler and caption it 'my new favorite team'. I love busting his balls.

One of the players catches my eye as I closely watch practice. I look up the Bruins roster on my phone to figure out which one he is. I heard some people behind me saying that some of the players stop after practice to meet the fans so I figure I could wait to see if he will stop. I feel out of my element since I am so used to Stars practice. I'll just follow all of the fans out after practice and hope they bring me to the right place. I would like to meet his Carl Soderberg guy. I probably could just have Tyler introduce me to guys on the team but this way is more fun. I like a challenge.

The more practice goes on, the more I watch Carl and less I watch anyone else on the team. He's got some speed on him. He seems focused. He looks like an all business kind of guy. I can respect that. It is definitely not like the goofing off I am used to at Stars practice. I make friends with the people sitting behind me and they promise they will show me where to stand to meet the players. They will be going out there too. I am glad I started talking to them. Now I don't feel so alone. Once practice is over I walk outside with them. I should have dressed warmer. I didn't think about the weather difference from Dallas to Boston when I was packing. I only have jeans and a t-shirt on. I wish I had a hoodie. I get a little shiver up my spine that gives me the chills as a cold wind blows. I rub my bare arms with my hands to try to warm up.

"Here take my sweatshirt," one of the guys I met says with the thickest Boston accent I've probably ever heard. He takes his hoodie off and hands it to me.

"Thank you," I say as I reluctantly take the hoodie from his hand and put it on. "If my friends could see me now." I take a selfie to send to people later.

I know Boston and its people have a certain reputation but the group of people I have met here today don't meet that reputation. They are nice and funny and are trying to show me a good time even though I just met them. Not at all what I expected. A few of the players come out and stop and my new friends are so excited. I just keep an eye out for Carl. From what people tell me he is pretty shy and doesn't stop all of the time. I am hoping he stops for me. A few players walk out at the same time and see a tall, blonde head of hair walking towards us. The other guys stop at some of the fans who are in front of us. Carl walks passed them. Nobody called for him though. We make eye contact and I call out to him. "Carl, can we take a selfie?"

"Sure," he says and stands next to me. He puts his hand on the small of my back, I put my arm around him and lean in to him so we are both in the picture. I snap the picture. He leaves his hand on my back as I lower my phone. I look up at him and he smiles. He moves his hand away and it brushes against my butt. "Sorry."

The feel of his touch is enough to send me over the edge. All that clear minded stuff I was able to achieve is out the window now. It would be inappropriate to make a move on him right here, right now. A smile creeps across his face and I begin to realize it's because I still have my arm around him. I slowly pull my arm away and back close to my body. "Sorry," I say bashfully. My heart begins to beat faster as he smiles at me before walking away and to his car. There aren't too many more players who come out after Carl. My new friends are so excited to have gotten autographs and pictures with most of the guys they wanted to. I try to give the guy his hoodie back but he insists I keep it so I do. I exchange phone numbers with my new friends and we part ways. They offered to drive me back to the hotel but I decide to walk.

Since I have never been to Boston I figure I could walk around the city and take it all in. A good walk would clear my head anyway. I can still feel Carl's hand on me. The gentle swipe of his hand across my ass. I can feel it as if he were still next to me. His tall frame towering over me but holding me close. The chill in the air is refreshing. I don't have too much experience with this kind of weather. This hoodie, although it is a Bruins hoodie, is a life saver. I would never have been able to go for a walk without it. I walk around for about 15 minutes before a car pulls up next to me while I am waiting at a stop light to cross the street. The tinted window on the passenger side rolls down and I bend down to look in. "Need a ride?" Carl Soderberg asks with a smile.

"Sure," I reply. He unlocks the door and I get in. "I'm staying at the Royal Sonesta."

On the 20 minute drive to the hotel I tell Carl a little bit about myself and why I am in Boston. Of course I don't tell him the whole truth. I just say I am a lover of hockey. The whole time we are in the car he is smiling ear to ear. "I usually don't do things like this," he says while he's stopped at the light to turn into the hotel.

"Things like what?" I innocently ask as if I had any doubts in my mind that I would be bringing him up to my room no matter what.

He turns his head to me. "Oh you know."

We pull up to the hotel and he parks. He follows me into the lobby. He looks up and around to take it all in. It is a beautiful hotel. The lobby has a modern vibe to it. The whole hotel has a modern vibe. My room is amazing. Tyler really went all out and got me the executive suite with a river view. I could live here. I would be perfectly happy staying in this hotel and living here. I heard the pool area is amazing. I will have to check it out later. I have more important things to tend to at the moment. I hold Carl's hand as we ride the elevator to my floor. I tap my other hand against my thigh with impatient anticipation.

The doors open and we walk down the long hallway to my room on the end. "Wow," he says as he enters the room. "This is nice."

"I know."

He takes his coat off and hangs it in the closet. I take the hoodie off and drape it over the computer chair that sits at the desk. "I don't know what to do," he says with his hands in his pockets.

"Your first time?" I jokingly ask. He just laughs. "I'll try to be gentle."

I slowly walk towards him and take his hand in mine. He leans his head down to kiss me. I let go of his hand almost immediately and he wraps his arms around me, resting his hand on my butt. He walks me towards the window and presses me up against it. I grab the curtains behind me and close them. I pull his shirt out of his jeans and run my hands up his back. He thrusts himself against me as he kisses my neck. I start to breathe heavier. He feverishly undoes his buckle and unzips his pants and they fall to the floor. I do the same. I back up towards the bed and lie down and he crawls on top of me. He kisses my neck as I rub the back of his head and kiss his ear. He rubs his bulge against me in between my legs. I reach around and push him down into me. I reach into his boxers and cup his balls as I massage them. He bites down on my neck and I pull his boxers down. He thrusts himself into me. He doesn't last long and cums rather quickly leaving me less than satisfied.

After Carl leaves I take a shower to clean myself up. I put my clothes back on, which includes the Bruins hoodie, and I go outside to the pool area. If this was summer it would be so amazing. It's still a beautiful day despite the bitter chill in the air. I decide to just sit out by the covered pool anyway and listen to some music. I put my headphones in my ears and lean back in the chair with my feet up. I close my eyes and imagine being somewhere warm. The breeze is beginning to feel nice on my face especially when it is accompanied by the occasional warmth of the sun. "There you are," I hear a voice say. I open my eyes to see Tyler walking towards me. I must have drifted off to sleep. "What is this?" he asks pointing at me, referring to the hoodie.

"I made some friends at Bruins practice. I got cold. Looks good on me, doesn't it?"

"It would look better on the floor. I hope you didn't sleep with some guy to get it."

"Jealous?"

"I should fuck you right here."

I grab him by the front of his shirt and pull him down on top of me. "I'm not stopping you," I say into his ear then run my tongue along the edge of his ear.

"Really?" he asks, surprised. I kiss him while slipping my hand down his pants. "Out here?" I don't say anything, only pull his head back down to kiss him. He starts to move his hips in motion with my hand. "Take the hoodie off."

"You've got to be kidding me. It's freezing out here."

"I'll keep you warm. Take it off." He starts to unzip the hoodie. I squeeze him a little hard. "Ok, Ok, you can leave it on." I continue to kiss him and he gets more and more worked up. I pull my pants down just enough for him to be able to get inside.

"Fuck me good, Tyler," I say into his ear. He runs his tongue along my bottom lip as he grabs onto my hips. He slowly thrusts into me. He runs his hands up along side my body as he leans down to kiss me. He starts out slowly. I move my hips up to get him to go deeper inside me. "We don't have time for this," I say, "just fuck me." He quickens his pace as he kisses me hard. I run my hands up and down his back as he moves onto my neck. He sucks on my tongue as he thrusts harder and harder into me. He finishes and quickly pulls his pants up.

It has been a while since I have had sex out in the open like that. It is so freeing. The endorphins. The thrill of the possibility of being caught. It's enough to get off on all by itself. It's like I'm high. I feel like I can do anything. Tyler heads up to my room with me. We take the back stairs so we don't run into anyone on the team. All this sneaking around stuff is so much fun. My room is on the 10th floor so taking the stairs probably isn't the best idea but I don't mind. "Race you!" I yell out as I push him away and dart up the stairs. As he starts gaining on me I try to block him from passing me. He squeezes my butt as he passes me. I try to grab his pants but I miss. I try skipping some stairs but it's no use. I am just one step behind him when we make it to my floor. "YES!" he screams out with his arms up in the air, "Victory. In your face."

"You cheated! Your ass distracted me."

"I could say the same about yours." He pulls me up against him and caresses my butt and squeezes it as he kisses my neck. "Ready for round 2?" he asks in my ear.

"Seriously?"

"Actually no, I have to go." He kisses me on the cheek and heads back down the stairs. They are staying a few floors below me.

"Tease!" I yell out after him.

Once I get back to my room I take a shower and change into sweatpants and a t-shirt. I plan on just relaxing for the rest of the night. The bed in this room is so comfortable. I keep saying I could live here but I could actually live here. I turn on the TV to watch whatever is on. I am pretty tired from all the...activities from today. I should find someone else and make it a hat trick. I would if I wasn't so comfortable in this bed. I may never leave. There is a knock at the door but I don't want to get up. It must be the dinner I ordered. "Come in!" I yell. I am not getting out of this bed.

"No key!"

"Tyler?"

"Yeah! Let me in."

"But I would have to get up."

"Amy, come on, open the door." I roll out of the bed and walk over to the door and open it to let him come in. "Wow this is nice. Money well spent." He jumps onto the bed like a belly flop. "So comfortable. I'm staying here tonight."

"Oh no you're not. I'm actually getting some sleep tonight." There is a knock at the door.

"My food is here." I get up to open the door and the guy rolls a cart of food in. "Thank you."

"You didn't order me anything," he pouts.

"You're not supposed to be here. You can have some of mine if you want."

"I plan to."

After we eat we just relax in bed and watch some basketball. At some point during the game I must have dozed off because when I wake up I am alone. The TV is still on but I don't see Tyler anywhere. I look around the room to see if he is around. He isn't. I walk over to the desk and get my phone to see if he left me a message. I look on the chair to where my Bruins hoodie was because I notice a different hoodie there. I recognize it right away. It's Tyler's grey and black striped hoodie. He stole my Bruins hoodie. What an ass. My new friend Brent gave me that hoodie. I don't worry about it too much as I doze back off to sleep.


	8. Tyler's Old Stomping Grounds

I wake up in the morning feeling refreshed. I am starting to get a bit of cabin fever as I am just about terrified to leave my room since anyone on the team can spot me. I wait until the team goes to morning skate before going down to the front desk to rent a bike to ride around. I haven't been to the gym in a few days and I need some kind of activity. I'm wearing Tyler's hoodie. It smells like him. It's pretty distracting. It's a beautiful day. Perfect for a bike ride. They have a path for us to ride along the water. This is just what I needed.

After I get back from my bike ride I take a shower and get dressed to leave for the game. I call for an Uber to take me to the Garden even though it is just right across the river. I made plans to meet up with Brent and his friends at the game. Might as well have company. I stop at the box office to pick up my ticket and go to meet the guys. We all sit together for warmups and they stay with me during the game. These guys are so much fun. We take turns buying each other drinks. By the 3rd period I am pretty far gone. Tyler scores a goal and I stand up. "Yeah! In your faces" I say poking each one of them on the nose. "I know that guy! I fuck that guy!"

"You're so hammered," Brent says.

"I know!" I yell. "Go Staaaaahhhhs!" I say in a mocking Boston accent. I laugh at my attempt at humor. I laugh so hard I almost fall over. The guys all catch me and help me back up. "Thanks, guys."

After the game the guys make sure I get back to the hotel safely. I hug them all goodbye and thank them for being so fun and so understanding of my drunkenness. "Whenever you're in Dallas you call me up and I'll show you a good time." I stumble up to my room and lay down.

I am startled by the sound of crazy pounding on my door. I get up and open the door. Tyler is standing there in some dark jeans and a button down shirt. He is looking hot. "Get dressed, we are going out."

We walk into the room and I sit down on the foot of the bed. "I'm too drunk."

"Come on, babe, just get some clothes on and come with me."

"Babe?" I look down at myself and my very clothed body. "These aren't clothes?"

"Of course they're clothes but I was imagining something sexier. I know you packed that dress I like. We're going out to the club. Hurry up."

"Fine I'll be right out."

I grab the dress that is hanging in the closet and go into the bathroom to get ready. I am in no condition to be going out but Tyler is so forceful. He looks so damn sexy tonight. Who could say no to that? I put the dress on and style my hair a bit. I am not happy with the way I am looking but Tyler keeps rushing me. I put a little bit of makeup on and take one last look at myself in the mirror, it'll work. I walk out into the room. "Wow, you look hot. Come on, let's go." He grabs my hand and we leave. We step into the elevator and head down to the lobby. "Who is Brent?"

"This guy I met at practice. How do you even know about him?"

"I saw his name on your phone. He kept texting you."

"You were looking at my phone?"

"Is he the hoodie guy?"

"Are you still on that hoodie thing?"

The elevator doors open and we go out and get into our ride. We don't speak to each other the whole way there. I can't believe he gets so jealous all of the time. The one time I just have friends he gets all bent out of shape. We aren't even dating. Once we get to the club we go in opposite directions. I am just so frustrated with him right now. He can bang me anywhere and any time he wants but as soon as it's someone else he wants to look at me like I'm some whore. Maybe I shouldn't have come out here.

I lose sight of Tyler and walk straight to the bar. I get a drink from the bartender and turn around to see if I can spot Tyler. I turn around with my drink and bump into someone. "Sorry." I recognize the guy standing in front of me. Brad Marchand. He's on the Bruins. He and Tyler used to come here all the time. I've seen the pictures. Now I see why Tyler dragged me here tonight. I spot Tyler over Brad's shoulder dancing with some skank. He looks over at me and smiles and continues to dance on this girl. He is doing this on purpose. Well I am going to show him.

I grab Brad by the shirt and pull him away from the bar. He puts his hands on my hips and dances up on me. I back up into him and rub my ass on his crotch. He turns me around and I grind up on him. He puts his hands on my butt which drives me wild. I put my arms around his neck and he kisses me. It catches me off guard but I am into it. I kiss him back and it gets really sloppy really fast. I am not used to anyone taking charge as much as he is. I am usually the one making the moves. I get a little dizzy as the song goes on but it's not from drinking. I am quickly becoming more and more aroused and I am going to lose control any second. I can feel that he is too.

After the song is over he takes me by the hand and guides through the crowd and to the bathroom. He locks the door behind me. "Done this a few times before?" I ask. He just laughs. He pins me against the wall and kisses my chest as he runs his hand up my thigh. This dress was a great idea. I rub the back of his head as I kiss him. He slaps my ass and that sends me over the edge. He bends me over and pulls my dress up and over my ass. He pulls my panties down and slaps my ass. I rub my ass on his crotch. The next thing I feel is his mouth closing on my butt cheek. He bites down hard. It's so hot. He slaps my ass again and thrusts himself inside of me. I hold onto the sink counter as he goes harder and faster. He grabs onto my hips and pulls me into him as he thrusts. I try to keep quiet but it's hard. I bite down on my fist as he goes harder and harder harder. He climaxes as he grabs a hold of my hips hard. He slaps my ass one last time before pulling my dress back down. 

Once Brad gets his pants back up he washes his hands and leaves the bathroom. I try to fix myself up the best I can before going back out. My mind is a little fuzzy right now. That was some dirty sex. One of the dirtiest I have had in my life. I want more. I crave more. I walk out into the club and scan the room for Tyler. He has a few girls dancing on him, around him, through him. I march over to where he is and push the girls out of the way and lick the side of his face. He grabs me and practically sticks his tongue down my throat. We are both pretty drunk and I am just going with the motions. It's sloppy and probably something the faint of heart should not be witnessing. Our lips smack as we pull apart and I wipe the saliva from my mouth with the back of my hand.

I notice Tyler's attention being drawn to the other side of the room and he starts waving someone over. I turn around to see who it is and Brad is walking towards us. I laugh. This should be interesting. Tyler puts his arm around my back. "I want you to meet someone," he yells into my ear so I can hear over the music.

"We've met!" Brad says with a mischievous smile.

Tyler just looks at me. I burst out laughing which makes Brad burst out laughing. "No!" Tyler yells, "You didn't!"

"Sorry, bro, I didn't know," Brad says, shrugging.

Tyler squints his eyes and shoots daggers at me. All of his rage is turning me on. The passion in his eyes. I can tell he is upset but not like usual. I think he gets off on this sometimes. I grab his package through his jeans, not hard, just enough. "It was so hot," I say seductively in his ear. "He spanked me, did me doggy, bit my ass. I'm getting wet just thinking about it." I can feel him getting hard. "Let's get out of here."

There is no way I am going to be able to stand a cab ride home without fucking him first. I am so worked up I can barely keep my hands off of him. I look around to see if there is somewhere discrete we can go but I am not finding anywhere. "I can't believe you fucked him," he says as I am pulling him around by his hand, desperately trying to find a place to fuck him.

"You were trying to make me jealous by dancing with those slut bags. I bumped into him and we started dancing. I can't help it if we wound up in the bathroom having nasty sex."

He pulls his arm in which makes me stumble back and fall into his arms. He gives my butt a little slap as he kisses down my neck. "I can be dirty too," he whispers into my ear. "He really bit your ass?"

"Mmmhmm," is all I can say. I am no longer able to form words at this point. Between being so drunk and so turned on I can't see straight let alone am able to form full sentences. He bites down softly on my collarbone and I let out a moan.

"I didn't know you liked it like that," he says through deep breaths. No doubt he is just as turned on as I am. I reach my hand down his pants and he is fully erect.

We go down a little alleyway between these two buildings. It looks a little shady but it is out of the way so nobody can see us. He pins my arms over my head against the wall with one hand and kisses me. I rub my knee in his crotch and he slowly lets go. "Fuck me now," I say probably a little too loud. He drops his pants and underwear in one motion. He lifts me up and props me against the wall. I hold onto his shoulders to keep myself up. I don't know how either of us are upright right now. We are both so drunk. He pushes me hard up against the wall to use it for leverage and fucks me hard.

There are plenty of reasons why I should never drink as much as I did last night. This hangover is on the top of the list. The sun is shining through the shades in my hotel room and I want to hide under my pillow all day. I feel queasy. I tried eating breakfast but I couldn't even look at the food let alone eat it. My original plan was to go back home today but my friend in New York begged me to come visit her and I haven't seen her in a while so I decided to go visit her instead. We are not that far away so I am going to rent a car and drive down. The only problem with prolonging my trip is that I only packed for these two days. I will probably have to go shopping which isn't really a problem at all. I love shopping.

Tyler stayed the night in my room which he really wasn't supposed to do but we were both so drunk we just came up here and passed out in our clothes. He is still sleeping and I am packing. I drop my iPad on my foot and yell, "fuck!" Tyler slowly turns onto his side and opens his eyes as much as he can. "Sorry, hurt my toe."

"Are you ready to go home?" he asks as he rubs his eyes with the palms of his hands.

"Oh I'm not going right home anymore. I am going to New York."

He quickly sits up. "I don't want you going to New York."

I shove my shoes in my bag and zipper it up. "I forgot you are in charge of where I go and what I do. I'll change my plans."

He rolls his eyes at my sarcasm. "You'll be on your own is what I am saying."

"And I can't handle myself alone in the big, bad city. Thanks for your concern, dad, but I'll be fine." I put my phone, wallet, and iPad in my purse and set it down on the desk.

He runs his fingers through his hair and then down his beard in frustration. "I can't stand you sometimes."

"And yet here you are." I sit down next to him on the foot of the bed. "What is the big deal?"

"That night you got drugged really fucked me up. I am terrified something is going to happen to you. Excuse me for caring," he says as he looks down at the floor and mumbles.

I lift his chin up and he looks at me. I place a soft kiss on his lips and he smiles. "I promise you I will be ok."

"You drive me crazy."

"I know I do."

He stands up and grabs my hands and helps me stand up. Without saying a word he wraps me up in his arms and holds me close to him. I can feel him resting his chin on top of my head. I hug him back. It's not very often we have moments like this together. We are either fighting or fucking. So it is nice when we can take time out of our day to just be pleasant to one another. It almost makes me think we could be together but I know better. I breathe in a big sigh. He kisses me on top of my head and lets go. I'm not ready to end the hug yet and I continue to hold him. "I have to go. I'll see you back in Dallas." He walks to the door and opens it up to leave. He turns around before walking out. "Don't fuck anyone in New York." Before I can respond he closes the door and I can hear him laughing to himself.


	9. Two Goalies

After picking up my rental car and buying a few extra days worth of clothes I start my 4 hour drive to New York City. I have never been to New York City before. I actually don't do much traveling on the east side of Texas so I feel very fortunate to have been able to visit Boston, a city I have been wanting to see for a while and now New York City. Brianna moved to Manhattan a year ago and this is the first time we have been able to make plans to get together. I only wish AnnMarie could come too. It won't be the same without her. I am planning on telling her about my sex addiction but I am not sure how to bring it up. Do I just blurt it out?

It feels good to be out on my own driving. It is giving me time to clear my head and just enjoy the scenery. I have my music blaring in the car as I drive. It seems that I am over my hangover. I sing along in the car while I am stuck in traffic and my 4 hour drive slowly turns into a 6 hour drive. By the time I make it into Manhattan I am hungry and exhausted. After I drop the car off at the rental company I take a cab to the hotel, Hotel Pennsylvania, and check in. I throw my bags down on the bed and am tempted to just throw myself down too and get some sleep but if I don't get something to eat soon I think my stomach will try to leave my body and get food itself.

Brianna texts me to meet her at a bar near by called Penn 6. I put on Tyler's hoodie and walk to the restaurant. I wait outside for Brianna so we can go in together. Her cab pulls up and before she can even step out I give her a big hug. "Welcome to NYC!" she squeals.

"It's so good to see you. Let's go in. I'm starving."

We walk into the restaurant and I look all around. It is beautiful. The chairs have beautiful red leather on the backs. Everything looks so crisp. There are big screen TVs on the wall. This is the dream. It looks fancy but not too fancy. New York City is the best. We get seated almost right away. Brianna knows the hostess. Once we sit down I take a look at the menu. "Everything all sounds good. How do I even choose?" I say looking at her over the menu.

"I'm getting a burger," she replies as she puts the menu down on the table.

"Yeah that sounds really good. I'll get one too." I put my menu down.

The waiter comes over and takes our order. "So what's new with you?" Brianna asks and I almost spit out my iced tea. "What?"

"There is something I need to tell you," I begin to say.

"Are you pregnant?"

"No!"

"Admit it. You want cute little Jamie's running around."

"About Jamie...we broke up."

"What? Why? What happened?"

"Funny story. I sorta slept with Tyler." Her mouth just opens. "I know. It's a lot to take in. It gets worse. Not many people know about this but I'm a sex addict."

"Wow."

"It's been something I've been struggling with for a while."

"Have you been getting help?"

I smile at the waiter as he places our appetizer on the table. I wait until he walks away as if he even knows what we are talking about. "I was until I wasn't anymore. I've kinda been sleeping with half of the NHL."

"As long as it helps you with your...oh hell who am I kidding? That is awesome."

"Ha yeah. I guess. Anyway, enough about that. How has living in New York City been? Texas girl in the Big Apple." Before she can answer the waiter comes over and places a drink down in front of me. I look at him confused. "I didn't order this."

"Cherry Blossom for the lady. Compliments of that gentleman over there." He points to a booth across the restaurant. The man waving back at me with slicked back brown hair and a well maintained beard. His smile goes ear to ear. I wave back and raise the glass in the air to toast him.

"Isn't that?" Brianna begins to ask.

"Lundqvist?" I say.

"Is there some kind of memo that went out to all of the players that said you're single and ready to mingle?" I laugh as I continue to watch Henrik talk to his friends. Every once in a while he looks over at our table and smiles. Gin isn't usually my thing but this drink is fantastic. "You should go over there."

"No way. I haven't seen you in a year. We are hanging out." Henrik waves me over to his table. "Not going over there."

"If you don't go over there I will," Brianna says as she stands up.

"Come with me." I grab her arm and drag her through the restaurant with me. Henrik motions to the empty spots in front of him in the booth and we sit down. "Thank you for the drink."

"You're welcome."

"Oh look at the time. I have somewhere to be. Sorry I can't stay and chat," Brianna says as she stands up from the booth. "Amy, I'll see you tomorrow."

I try to give her a look that says don't you dare leave me here but she leaves anyway. I look back at Henrik who still has a smile on his face. "I've never had anyone send me a drink like that before."

"A pretty girl like you? That's hard to believe." I move my foot next to his to gauge his reaction. He doesn't pull away. "Did you want dessert?"

"I didn't even have my meal yet." I run my foot up his calf and stop at his knee.

"I was thinking you come back to my place and get some dessert there." He doesn't flinch as I run my foot up his thigh and rest it in between his legs. "What do you think?"

"I think that sounds wonderful" The waiter brings my burger over to me and I finally get my first meal of the day. It tastes amazing. I can't tell if it's because I am so hungry or if this is the best burger I have ever tasted in my life. Henrik doesn't take his eyes off me as I continue to rub my foot slowly over his crotch. He puts his hand on my thigh under the table just as I finish my burger. He smirks as I move my leg to the side to give him more access.

"Ready to go?" he asks just as he makes it all the way up my thigh. I lick my bottom lip and nod yes. He stands up and walks behind my chair. I stand up and he pulls the chair out for me. He holds my hand in his and we walk hand in hand out to the street to hail a taxi. I look down at the bulge in his pants and smirk. He puts his hand on the small of my back and kisses my forehead. A taxi pulls over to pick us up and he opens the door for me and I get in, he gets in after me. He tells the driver his address and we are on our way. This is not what I thought would happen when I made plans to come here. I thought it would just be Brianna and I hanging out.

The taxi pulls up to his building and we get out. Henrik nods at his door man as we walk through the doors into his building. We step into the elevator and each floor we go up my heart starts beating faster and faster. At this point I am not doing this out of wanting it but needing it. No matter how many times I have sex my body aches for more. I am never satisfied. The elevator stops at his floor and we walk out of the elevator and to his door. As soon as he gets the door open we step in and start kissing. He takes his coat off and drapes it over the back of his couch.

He motions with his head behind him and says, "bedroom." I kick off my shoes as we walk into the bedroom. I sit on the foot of his bed and watch him untie his tie and hang it up in his closet. He unbuckles his belt and hangs his suit pants up. I grab him by the shirt and pull him on top of me as I kiss him. He holds himself up with his arms on either side of me. I run my tongue over his lips and he opens his mouth to let me in. I continue to tease him with my tongue as I begin to rub his cock with my hand. I rip his shirt open and kiss his chest. He climbs on top of me and pulls my shirt up over my head and throws it across the room. He slowly unzips my pants and pulls them down past my hips and off of my legs. He rubs his growing bulge along the inside of my leg. I grab his ass and pull him into me. 

Just looking at the man you just get an idea that he knows what he's doing in bed. That assumption would be correct. The sex isn't too long but not too short. He feels great inside of me and takes his time to make sure it feels just as good for me as it does for him. I leave his room feeling more than satisfied. 

Once I got back to my room last night I pretty much immediately fell asleep. Brianna and I have plans to hang out for real today. No more sex. Before leaving the room I put Tyler's hoodie on. I just shake my head at myself thinking about how concerned Tyler was for me. I was convinced I would get through this trip without any incidents and the first night I am here I lose all control. He would get all pissy with me if he found out and I would call him an ass then we'd have make up sex and pretend nothing happened. That's our routine. I have to admit that this is getting pretty exhausting. I need to start going back to therapy. I can't keep doing this.

Of all the touristy things you can do in New York City the first thing I wanted to do was go to Central Park so that's where we are headed. The trees are just starting to grow their buds and the birds chirp as we walk. It's a brisk day out but the sun leaves a warm glow on my face. I close my eyes and take a deep breath. After wanting to come here my whole life I am finally here and it is more than I ever imagined. There are 2 police officers standing near a tree talking to each other that keep looking over at us. I wave and they act as if they weren't looking and continue to talk to each other. "Gotta love a man in uniform," I say loud enough for them to hear me as we walk past them.

While we walk around I explain more about my addiction and what happened between Jamie and me. The therapy, the meetings, my failed recovery, my secrets, everything. I hope that the more I talk about it with the people closest to me it will become easier to talk about it with others as well. It feels liberating the more people I tell. I'm not holding in this big secret anymore. I can finally start to be me even though right now I am a little out of control. If they can accept me for who I am then they are my true friends and if they can't then that's fine too. I can't believe that I was so worried for so long about what others thought. I could have told my friends and had real support instead of trying to do it alone. 

After taking in the sights of Central Park we walk to the Brooklyn Diner to have some lunch before we have to part ways until later tonight. Brianna has to do something for work then we are going to see the Penguins play the Rangers at Madison Square Garden. I order myself a reuben and an iced tea. I look around the diner and say, "I could get used to this."

Brianna's eyes light up. "You're thinking of moving here?"

"No! No, no. I'm just saying I like it here."

"Don't get my hopes up like that. We need more of Dallas in this city."

"I am still hoping I can work things out with Jamie," I say as I move the ice cubes in my glass around with my straw.

"And you are going to accomplish that by sleeping with Lundqvist how, exactly?"

"Shut up! It's a work in progress."

"So...was he a king in other ways?" I just smile. "I'll take that as a yes."

After we have our lunch I take a cab back to the hotel. It'll be nice to have some me time before going to the game tonight. I heard that there is a hot tub somewhere in this place so I plan on hanging out in that. It'll be nice to unwind. I stop off at my room to change into my bathing suit. I put some shorts and a tank top on over my suit and step into my flip flops. I grab a towel and walk down to where the hot tub is. I am hoping since it is the middle of the day in the middle of the week nobody will be there. I take my clothes off and step into the hot tub. I lower myself into the water and immediately feel at peace.

I am only in the tub for about 5 minutes when someone walks into the room with a towel draped over his shoulder. "Oh sorry, I didn't know anyone was here," he says quietly.

"You can join if you want. There's room."

"No, that's alright. I'll leave you to it."

"I don't bite...unless that is something you're into," I say then smile. He laughs and puts his towel down on a nearby chair. He gets into the hot tub in front of me. He gets some water in his hand and runs it through his thick brown hair. "So what are you in town for?" He's cute. Might as well make some small talk.

"Work."

"That's cool. What do you do? If you don't mind me asking."

"I play hockey," he replies with a smile.

"Oh really? I like hockey. I like hockey players." I put my legs on either side of him.

"Cool." I can tell he is a little uncomfortable so I bring them back to my body. "So what are you here for?"

"I'm here to sit in a hot tub with a hot hockey player." He looks down and smiles. "I'm Amy. Nice to meet you.

"Thomas...Greiss."

"You don't say much do you?"

"I get nervous around cute girls," he mumbles.

"Smooth," I reply. I take my bathing suit bottom off and drop them onto the floor on the edge of the hot tub. "Oops, these fell off." I feel his hand slowly go up my leg. I move closer to him and he puts his arm around my shoulders. "Still nervous?"

"Not as much."

I kiss him gently just in case he isn't into it but he kisses me back. He pulls me by my ass on top of him to straddle him. I begin slowly grinding on him as I continue to kiss him. I bite his lip when he starts pulling me faster and harder onto his crotch. He takes my bathing suit strap in his teeth and pulls it to the side of my shoulder and it slowly falls down. He does the same with the other strap. He kisses me on my shoulder and up to my neck as he pulls the straps down. I run my fingers through his hair and rub the back of his head. He lifts himself up and pulls his trunks off. He lowers me down on top of him slowly. 

It's funny that every time I think I am going to have a nice quiet time to myself I wind up doing something stupid like sleeping with another hot guy. Once we are done he has to rush off or he is going to be late and I go up to my room to clean up. When I get out of the shower I take a nap before having to go across the street for the game. I keep hearing my phone go off but I try to ignore it. I finally have enough of the sound going off so I take a look to see who is bothering me.

Tyler : How's it going?

Tyler : Who are you fucking this time?

Tyler : Are they more important than texting me back?

Tyler : Ugh whatever

Well that sure as hell doesn't make me want to answer him now so I don't think I will. I'll deal with him when I get back home. I really don't need his whining right now. I thought we got through this. I have to meet Brianna in a few minutes and I don't have time to deal with Tyler and his bitching. I look around my room and the only warm thing I have to wear is Tyler's hoodie. I don't even want to wear it. I'd rather just go cold. I put my phone and wallet in my pocket and head down to the lobby and out of the doors to the hotel. I wait for the traffic to slow down and run across the road to The Garden.

Once I meet up with Brianna we go into the arena. "This is just weird," she says.

"I know. Who are we supposed to root for?"

"I'm going with neither. Let's just get some alcohol."

"Sounds good to me."

We stop off and get some beers before going to our seats. Our seats are right across the rink from the teams' benches. That would be funny if Henrik spotted me. We clink our cups together as the puck drops and take a drink. I almost spit out my beer when I look across the rink at the Penguins bench. "The guy from the hot tub," I say as I start choking.

"What?" Brianna asks, confused. I start pointing at him as I try to regain my composure after coughing a few times from beer going down the wrong pipe.

"I just slept with that backup goalie," I say as I point across the ice to where he is sitting.

"Are you serious?" I shake my head yes. She just shakes her head at me and laughs. "That's two goalies in two days."

"I'm just lucky I guess."

We have a blast watching the game and of course drinking. I vaguely remember telling myself I would never drink again not that long ago and yet here I am 5 beers in. I take my phone out of my pocket. "I should text Tyler back," I say, slurring every word.

"Go for it!"

"None of them are as good as you," I read out loud as I type, misspelling every single word and giggling the whole time. "You should meet me in my room, Ty Ty." I continue to text him.

"Isn't he playing tonight?" Brianna asks.

"Semantics!"

After the game Brianna and I go our separate ways. She leaves to go home and I walk across the street to the hotel. I am just here for the night then I leave for Dallas tomorrow. It will be nice to go back home. I need to get back into a routine. I change into my sweatpants and a tank top and lay down in the bed. I grab Tyler's hoodie from the floor where I dropped it and I put it on. I take a selfie and send it to Tyler. I grab a pillow and hug onto it and start to drift to sleep. At that point my phone starts going off and I pick it up off the bed to see who it is. Tyler is trying to Face Time with me. I accept the call. He has his headphones in and looks to be home already. He doesn't have a shirt on.

"Hey," I say, "I'm drunk."

He laughs. "I can tell. Your texts weren't very legible."

"You look delicious tonight."

"You miss me?"

"No, you're a jerk," I pout.

"You're wearing my hoodie."

"I'm cold."

"You can't stay mad forever."

"I know but I can try real hard, can't I?"

"Don't you wish I was there?" he asks.

"Yes I do," I say nodding my head. " You should have come here tonight. I would have given you victory sex."

"Do you want me to give you a show?" he asks as he pans his phone towards his crotch.

"That wouldn't be good for either of us."

He moves the phone back to his face and is laughing. "Like I would have done that. You're such a pervert."

"You know you love me."

"Yeah I do." He opens his eyes wide. "I mean..."

"You do?" I can't believe he just said that. What do I say? What do I do?

"I should get going. Goodnight, Amy."

"Goodnight, Tyler." I end the call and drop it onto the bed next to me and fall asleep.


	10. Nightmare

Throughout the whole plane ride home all I can think about is what Tyler said to me last night. Did he really mean he loves me? He seemed to have freaked out a bit after he said it. I haven't taken the time to really sit down and think about how I feel about Tyler. Of course I love spending time with him but to go as far as saying love, I just don't know. I still love Jamie. This whole thing has gotten way too complicated. It was easier when it was just about the sex. I really don't want feelings involved. That just makes it messy. I am so screwed up, so damaged, I am not the person one should be in a relationship with right now.

Tyler insisted on picking me up from the airport. I told him AnnMarie was going to pick me up and bring me back home but he says he really wants to see me. I guess that's a good thing considering how scared he looked last night when we ended the call. I can't wait to get back into my regular routine. The boxing zone is calling my name. I soon start training for actual fights. I can't wait. I hope once I start going to the gym on a regular basis that I will be able to control myself a little better. Once I pick up my bag at baggage claim I walk outside to meet Tyler. He texted me that he was here so I just have to find the Jeep.

Once Tyler spots me he starts beeping his horn uncontrollably. He is so embarrassing sometimes. I jog to where he is parked and quickly get in to escape all of the glares people are giving us. He has a big smile on his face as I playfully push him. "Thanks for that, by the way," I say, glaring at him.

"That's new," he says pointing at my outfit, "I like it." He raises his eyebrows up and down at my red low cut v-neck shirt that I bought.

"I figured you would."

"How was New York?" he asks as he starts to drive home. I only assume he actually means did you fuck anyone in New York?

"I loved it but I am happy to be home."

The rest of the ride is pretty much quiet with a few comments about traffic here and there. I had an early flight so I didn't get much sleep last night so I am pretty wiped out. I notice Tyler taking a different way home and I soon realize he isn't taking me to AnnMarie's but back to his place. While we are at a red light he turns to look at me and a smile creeps across my face. He winks and continues driving. He doesn't notice but I watch him the rest of the way to his place. I can't get a read on what he is thinking. I know better than to bring up what happened. I don't want to make things awkward. We have such a good thing going I would hate to ruin it with thinking and talking about feelings.

Once we walk inside I drop my bag down in his bedroom and join him on the couch in the living room where he is already sprawled out with his arms open. I settle myself down next to him and he closes his arms around me. I rest my head on his chest while he plays with my hair. The sound of his heart beating is so soothing. He turns the TV on and puts on a movie on Netflix. I rest my hand on his chest and he intertwines his fingers with mine. I pull our hands to my mouth and kiss his knuckles. He kisses me on the forehead and rests his head on mine. We watch the movie in silence for a while before he says, "this is nice."

"Yeah," I reply.

"You coming tomorrow?" he asks.

"That depends on you," I joke.

"To the game," he says with a laugh.

"I don't know. I wasn't planning on it."

"You should go. I'll score a goal for you."

"I'll think about it."

My eyes grow heavy and drift off to sleep. I am awakened by the sound of Tyler saying, "it's ok, it's ok." I am shaking, sweating and crying and Tyler is holding me. I don't know what is going on.

"Tyler?" I cry out, confused.

"I'm here, baby," he says, holding me close.

"What happened?"

"I think you had a nightmare. You just started yelling and crying. You were pushing me away. Are you ok?"

Images start coming into my head. I can see him pushing me up against the wall. I can feel his hot breath on my neck. His hands are all over me. I try to run but I can't. "I think it had to do with the attempted rape." I start to remember a bit more. I try to scream but no sound comes out. I am so scared but I am frozen. I close my eyes so I can't see his eyes. They're so cold, so evil.

"You have me. I'm right here," he says as he rubs my back. I am sobbing uncontrollably and it's getting hard to breathe. "Calm down. Shh shh shh. It's going to be ok. Come on, let's go to bed." We walk to Tyler's bedroom and I change into sweatpants and a tank top to sleep in. Tyler takes off his shirt and puts his pajama pants on. I crawl into the bed and pull the blankets up and over my head. Tyler gets into the bed and joins me under the blanket. "You're safe. I'm here." I pull the blankets off of our heads. He kisses me and turns off the light on the bed side table. It doesn't take me long to fall back asleep.

Last night was rough. I woke up a few more times with nightmares. Tyler was amazing through all of it. He's been so supportive. They have a game today and they have morning skate. Tyler didn't want to leave me but he really didn't have a choice. While Tyler is out at morning skate I take the time alone to do some meditation. I haven't taken much time out of my days to clear my mind and calm myself down. Maybe that is why I am having these nightmares. My brain has too many toxic thoughts both conscious and subconscious. I know I should probably call Dr. Murray but too much time has gone by. Too much stuff has gone on. I'm not ready to face him and suffer the consequences for my actions at this point.

I text with AnnMarie while sitting on the couch with my feet up on the ottoman.

AnnMarie : Are you ever coming home?

Amy : I think Tyler has officially kidnapped me

AnnMarie : What is going on between you two?

Amy : Just enjoying the ride

AnnMarie : You guys love each other

Amy : Not quite

Tyler gets home and walks over to where I am sitting on the couch and joins me. He lies down and rests his head in my lap. I caress his hair and he reaches up around my head and pulls me down for a kiss. "I was thinking about it and I think you should come with me to Nashville," he says, looking up at me.

"I can't keep doing this, Tyler."

"This is the last time. I just want to make sure you're ok. Those dreams you are having are no joke." He sighs. "I'm not even saying to come for the whole road trip. Just one game. Do it for me." He does his best pouty face. "Please?"

"Fine, you win. I'll go."

He smiles then sits up. "I'm going to make some food." He slaps my thigh. "You want some?"

"Yeah, that would be nice."

After we eat Tyler packs for the road trip then books me a flight and a hotel room for Nashville. Before I go to the game tonight I have to get some new clothes to pack for the road trip. I have worn everything in my bag. Tyler drops me off at AnnMarie's house before going to the arena. I will just take an Uber there when I am ready. AnnMarie is at work so the house is quiet. I almost forgot what it was like to be here. I feel like I have been away for so long. I go to my room and dump everything out of my bag onto my bed and start packing. I am only going to be gone overnight so I don't need to pack much.

It might be a blessing in disguise that Tyler invited me to Nashville because I have a good friend that now works for the Predators that used to work for the Stars who I haven't seen in a while so it will be great to see him again. He had begged me to go to the game but I told him I wasn't going to be able to go. I call him up to give him the good news. "Hey, Dustin, I am actually going to be going to the game tomorrow."

"Awesome, so I'll get to see you?" he asks.

"Yes I can't wait to see you again. It's been too long."

"How is Mr. Benn?" I forget just how many people still don't know that we broke up. We have managed to keep it private. It always hurts when someone asks about him. Just the mention of his name stings.

"Jamie and I broke up," I mumble. I don't want to the driver to hear me. I almost forgot I was in a stranger's car.

"I am sorry to hear that. You'll have to fill me in when you get here."

"I will. I should get going. Almost at the arena. I'll text you when I'm settled in. See you tomorrow."

In the first period Tyler scores 2 quick goals. All game my heart races faster every time Tyler gets the puck. We are all at the edge of our seats waiting for him to score his 3rd goal. By the time there is 3 minutes left in the game the whole arena is standing with anticipation. Jamie gets the puck and gets past the defenseman on a breakaway. Tyler is hustling up the ice to catch up. Jamie could have scored a goal but instead he passes to Tyler and he dekes out the goalie and scores. Hat trick! The place goes wild. I high five just about everyone in my section. I jump up and down and yell. Tyler is so happy. He and Jamie stand at the bench and watch the replay as the hats shower down from the crowd. I wish I had one to throw.

As soon as the game ends I have to leave for the airport. It is a late flight so there aren't many people on the flight. It only takes an hour and a half to get from Dallas to Nashville so I spend the flight listening to music. There isn't enough time to try to take a nap. I can't stop thinking about Tyler. The way he hustled up the ice, scored that goal, looked all hot. I mean, won the game. I can't wait until I can get my hands on him again.

After we land I get a taxi to the Hilton. I let Tyler know I have made it to the hotel and what room number I am in. I hope he will be able to get away and up to my room. That is the whole reason I am here anyway, plus, I need to fuck him tonight. I can't get him off of my mind. I settle into my room and relax in the bed and wait for Tyler. I watch Tyler's third goal over and over and over again on my phone until they get to the hotel. He lets me know that they are there and he will be up as soon as he can.

By the time Tyler knocks on my door I am all worked up from anticipation. I jump off of the bed and run to the door to let him in. He is leaning in the doorway with his head on his arm. I grab him by the shirt and pull him into the room and immediately start kissing him. I rip his shirt open and push him up against the wall. I kiss his chest, up to his neck, and around his ear. He grabs some of my hair in his hand and pulls my head back and kisses my neck. I take my shirt off and drop it to the floor. He kisses my neck, down my chest and then back up. I grab his hair and pull his head back. He grabs my ass and runs his hands all the way up my back and unhooks my bra and it falls to our feet. He picks me up and drops me down on the bed and climbs on top of me. He bites down on my neck and I move my hips up towards him. I reach my hand down his pants and quickly rub his throbbing cock. "Slow down, baby," he says through breaths. He takes his pants off and leaves them at the foot of the bed.

"I want you so bad," I say into his ear. I pull him down and flip him over on his back and get on top of him. I pull my pants down and kick them off. I grind my hips just slightly on the head of his penis. He puts his hands on my hips and pulls me down onto him. "Oh my god!" I yell. 

"Yeah, baby," he says as he continues to hold onto my hips as I move my hips up and down onto him. I lean down and kiss him as he pulls me down onto him. I lick his upper lip and move to his bottom lip before sticking the tip of my tongue into the opening of his mouth. He meets my tongue with his as he runs his hands up my body. I rock my hips faster as I throw my head back with pleasure.

"Oh god," I moan.

I lean down and kiss him as I thrust harder onto him. He rubs his hands through my hair as he desperately kisses me. He runs his hands down my back and grabs onto my ass. I can feel pleasure throughout my whole body as I go faster and faster. "Come on, baby," Tyler says as he squeezes my ass and pulls me into him. I moan before leaning down to kiss him. He pulls my head down and kisses my neck. I grab onto the pillow behind him and rock my hips harder a few times before he releases.


	11. Meeting Roman Josi

I had another nightmare last night. It wasn't as bad as the other ones and I only had the one but I still woke up in a panic. Tyler held me for the rest of the night and it took a while for me to fall back asleep. I don't think this is something that is just going to go away. I know I am going to have to seriously consider calling Dr. Murray. Tyler has been begging me to go to the police so when I get home I think I will.

Since they had a game last night the Stars aren't going to have a morning skate today but I am still going to be meeting up with Dustin for lunch. Tyler is still sleeping so I don't disturb him as I get ready to leave. While I am in the shower I can't help but think about the first time Tyler and I ever had sex. I was in the shower at the pool house and he just came in like he owned the place and took me. The cold of the tiles combined with the heat of our bodies. The water dripping down. Just letting go. I jump, startled, when the shower curtain flies open and Tyler sticks his head in. "Want me to join?" he asks.

"I would love you to but I have to get out and go."

"Where are you going?" he asks confused, head to the side like a confused dog.

"I have plans with Dustin."

"Who is Dustin?" I can tell he is annoyed with me by the tone in his voice.

"You know, Dustin Valenti. He used to work for the Stars now he works for the Preds. We are still really good friends."

"How good?" I know I probably deserve that but it pisses me off every time he tries to control who I can and can't hang out with.

I roll my eyes as I step out of the shower and grab my towel. He takes a step to the side to give me room and I dry myself off. "I've never fucked him if that's what you're getting at."

"I don't trust you. Can't you just stay here?"

"I haven't seen Dustin in a year. He's like my brother. Nothing is going to happen. Besides, you're not even staying here. You have team stuff to do. You're being selfish." I wrap my hair up in a towel and push past him to get into the room. I grab some clothes out of my bag and place them on the bed.

Tyler follows behind me. "I am trying to look out for you. You're the one who can't keep her legs closed."

"Just get out. I don't even want to see you right now. You can be such an asshole sometimes."

He walks to the door raising his voice. "Have fun on your date, whore!" He walks out and slams the door.

He makes me so mad I want to punch a wall sometimes. I pick up my shoe and throw it at the door behind him. Why do I even put up with him? I don't really have time to stew on this. I have to get dressed and meet Dustin down in the lobby in a few minutes. I quickly put my clothes on, blow dry my hair, grab my purse, and rush down the stairs to the lobby. I still can't risk Jamie seeing me here. As soon as I see Dustin I run over to him and jump on his back. "Amy I hope that's you," he jokes. I jump off and he turns around and gives me a big hug. "Wow, you look amazing." He holds my arm out and I spin around.

"I've been working out like crazy."

"It shows. Come on, let's go get something to eat. You need to catch me up on everything that's been going on."

We pull up to Roiter's Restaurant and walk inside. It looks like a nice little place. Wood paneling on the walls. Pictures up everywhere. It almost looks like we walked into someone's living room that they turned into a restaurant. My kind of place. The smell coming from the kitchen makes my mouth water. I haven't eaten since Tyler's yesterday so I am pretty hungry. We sit down across from each other at a booth and I look over the menu. "You have to get a burger. You won't regret it," Dustin says with his menu already on the table.

"I am not going to argue with that." The waiter comes over and I order the cheeseburger on french bread with sweet potato fries and an iced tea. When I get home I am going to have to work out extra hard to work this meal off.

"So you know you're going to have to tell me what happened with Mr. Team Captain," Dustin says after the waiter walks away. "You two were perfect together."

"I screwed everything up. I've been only telling people closest to me this and it's only been a few but I am a sex addict. I've known for a long time. I had everything under control until Seguin started messing with me. I was controlling temptation for a while until I just couldn't anymore and I slept with him."

"Oh my god," Dustin says with his mouth open, "so you slept with Seguin? You lucky bitch. How was he?"

"Dustin! You don't even care about the sex addict stuff you just want to know how amazing he is in bed? Oh did I say that?" I can't help but laugh. Dustin and I always used to talk gossip with each other. I miss our dynamic. He would tell me about all the guys he was hooking up with and I'd tell him about Jamie.

"Seriously, though, I am sorry about you and Jamie."

"Thanks. It's been rough but I am getting through it in my own twisted way."

"The things I would do with that boy..."

"When I'm done with him I'll send him your way."

"You're so bad!"

The waiter comes over and drops off our food. Everything looks so delicious. There is conversation here and there about how things are in Dallas and how Dustin is doing in Nashville in between stuffing our faces.

I feel normal when I am around Dustin. I can just be myself and he doesn't care. I miss him so much and I wish I could just take him back home with me. He is doing well here, though, he is now head equipment manager. I am proud of him. I tell him how I have taken up boxing and I feel that it's been good for me. Even though I am still not in control of my body I am more clear minded than I used to be. Plus I am getting in amazing shape. This burger is not really helping with that amazing shape but it tastes so good.

After we finish eating and pay the bill we go outside and go for a little bit of a walk to work off some of the food we just devoured. We are walking just a few minutes when we see someone walking towards us with a smile on his face. He has a little scruff on his face, beanie on his head, and these amazing hazel eyes. "Dustin!" he calls out once he gets close enough. "How are you doing, man?" They shake hands and he looks towards me. "Who is this?"

"This is my good friend Amy. She's visiting from Dallas."

"Hi," is all I can get out as he shakes my hand.

"I'm Roman," he says, still shaking my hand.

"I know...I mean, nice to meet you." It is no secret to Dustin that I have a crush on Roman Josi. I've never had the opportunity to meet him before. It hadn't even crossed my mind to ask him to introduce us. Now that he is here in front of me and still touching me. I feel like I am on cloud 9. How can someone so amazing looking look even better in person? I did not think it was possible.

"Where are you headed?" he asks, not breaking eye contact, still holding my hand.

"We were just walking," I say, finally letting go of his hand. One of us had to. I take a deep breath as he continues to look at me. I can't help but smile. I don't know what is going on but whatever it is I like it. I can feel my heart start to beat faster as he continues to stare.

"Would you like to walk with me?" he asks, motioning in the direction he was heading.

I look at Dustin and he motions for me to go. I mouth the words 'I don't know'. He just laughs. "I'll catch up with you later, Amy, you two have fun." He walks to where his car is parked, gets in, and drives away.

Roman and I continue walking. "On game days I sometimes like to walk around to clear my head," he says as we cross the street.

"Walking is one of the ways I wind down myself," I reply. All I can think about is the different ways to try to get him naked. How can I get him back to my room? Is there a chance he will invite me back to his place? Maybe I'll just do it right here in the middle of downtown Nashville. I don't care at this point. Every time he looks at me it makes me want to do things to him. I am trying to contain myself but it's getting harder and harder as time goes on.

"How are you liking Nashville?"

"I'd say so far it's been pretty good to me. I am here with you, after all." He smiles. "I have wanted to meet you for some time now."

"Oh really? Have I met your expectations?"

I laugh. "You don't want to know my expectations."

He leans down and says into my ear, "maybe I do." He is driving me wild.

"Maybe I want to kiss you." He kisses me softly. "Maybe I want to do more."

He stops walking and I stop as well. He takes my hand in his and says, "let's go."

He practically drags me down the street to where his car is and opens the door for me. I get in. Is this really about to happen right now? This is something I have been fantasizing about for 2 years. I rub the back of his head as he drives and he goes faster and faster until we get to his place. He gets out of the car and comes to my side and opens the door. He holds out his hand for mine and helps me out of the car. If he were even more perfect I would have to kill myself. Maybe not literally but I can't help myself. I pull his head down and kiss him. I rest against the car and he holds himself up by leaning his arms on either side of me. He slowly lowers himself down as he runs his tongue along my bottom lip. "We can do this right here if you want," I say, half joking around.

He bites his lip and says, "my bed is much more comfortable."

I follow Roman inside. He hangs his coat up in the hallway closet and I hand him mine to put in as well. He takes off his beanie and puts it in the closet. He tries to push his hair down but it still is messy. He picks up a remote from the coffee table, turns on some music and sits down. "I have this jazz mix on my iPod," I say excitedly, "I find it so relaxing."

"I listen before every game."

I walk over to the couch and sit next to him. He puts his arm around me and pushes a fallen piece of hair behind my ear and out of my face with his other hand. I lean into his palm and kiss it. He wraps his other arm around me and kisses me. I lean back pulling him towards me and on top of me. He gently kisses my neck. My breathing gets heavier as I kiss his ear and softly suck on his earlobe. He comes back up to my mouth to kiss me again, this time a bit more passionate. I open my mouth and he slips his tongue in. I suck on his tongue while reaching for the bottom of his shirt. I pull it over his head and off then he does the same with mine. "I thought you mentioned the bedroom," I say, moving my hands over his well toned chest.

"We are fine here, no?" He leans back and pulls me on top of him. He puts his hands on my butt and I let out a little moan. "That's what I thought."

Roman cups my breast and traces around my nipple as he kisses down my neck and shoulder. I quickly take my bra off and drop it to the floor. The more he kisses my neck, the heavier my breaths get. I run my nails down his back as I grab onto him to try to pull him closer. He lifts himself up to get his pants off of his hips and pulls them down his legs and kicks them off. I stand up to take my pants off then climb back on top of him. His erection is poking through his boxer briefs and I reach my hand down to cup his balls and rub the head with my palm. He moves his hips with the rhythm of my hand while kissing me hard. I pull my panties down with one hand and his boxers down with the other. I lower myself down on him quickly, filling me with all of him. I take my time with each hip thrust, savoring every moment with him.

While Roman takes a shower and gets dressed for the game I gather up my various articles of clothing that are scattered around the room. He offers to let me shower before I go and I take him up on the offer. I would have hated to go to the game all sexed up. Once I am finished with my shower I put my clothes back on and dry my hair. Tyler is probably going to notice I don't look the same as I did when I left the room this morning. Nothing I can do about that now. I leave the bathroom and join Roman in the living room where he is standing with my jacket in his hands. He opens it up for me to slip my arms inside the sleeves then wraps his arms around me. "It's too bad I have a game," he says then turns me around. "We should do this again some time."

"You'll be in my neck of the woods next week."

"Give me your phone." I hand it to him and he types something into it and hands it back to me. "Text me, we'll make plans." We walk outside to Roman's car and I get in. I really had a good time with Roman. This has been like a dream come true. He is so nice and being with him I feel like I've known him forever even though we just met. "I have a confession to make," he says as we are on our way to drop me off at the hotel. "I asked Dustin to introduce me to you."

"How did you even know about me?" I ask, genuinely confused but equally flattered.

"You were texting him some pictures one day and he was showing me. He told me all about you and I was intrigued. When he said you were in town I just had to meet you." He looks down smiling. "I'm usually not this forward."

"I hope I met your expectations," I reply, blushing. It's pretty rare for me to blush but a guy like Roman can have that effect on me.

"To be honest I wasn't expecting sex but I am not disappointed." He glances at me and I smile.

"I had a great time. Thank you for making Dustin introduce us. I am going to have to thank that little bugger too," I say as he pulls up to the hotel and stops the car.

"I will see you in a week," he replies then kisses me on the cheek. I don't want to leave. I could spend all of the rest of my days with him. I know that isn't something that is possible to happen but it's a nice thought. I get out of the car and watch him drive away.

I take out my phone and text Dustin.

Amy : You are the best

Dustin : Did you rock his world?

Amy : You know I did ;)

Dustin : If you move here you could date him

Amy : Tempting

Dustin : Don't tease me

I make sure to get to the arena in time for warm ups so I can watch Roman warm up. I am risking Jamie seeing me but he knows how close Dustin and I are so it wouldn't be out of the ordinary for me to be here visiting him. I don't think I will have a problem with him seeing me though. I take a seat right next to the Predator's bench and wait for warm ups to start. The music starts and the Predators take the ice. Roman skates around a few times before spotting me from across the ice. He smiles wide before taking a shot. He skates past me and bumps into the boards. I bang on the glass and he laughs. I can't take my eyes off of him the whole time he is warming up. I am actually sad when it is time for them to go into the locker room. On his way into the locker room Roman stops in front of me and tosses a puck over the glass and I catch it. He waves and walks away. A big goofy smile is plastered on my face as I walk to my seat with the puck still in my hand.

I was going to go home after the game tonight but I do have the room for one more night so I decide to stay in Nashville and go home tomorrow. The Predators wound up winning the game and Roman had a goal. I found myself cheering for him and felt a bit guilty about that. Jamie had a goal as well. The Stars still have 2 more road games before coming back so I will have some time away from Tyler and honestly I need it. I don't know what I am going to do about him. There are times I feel like I could settle down with him and other times I want to punch him in the face. He's so frustrating and confusing.

Throughout the night I had a few more of those nightmares. They literally paralyze me. Every time I have one I become more and more scared. They feel so real. It's like I am living it all over again and this time Tyler doesn't come save me. After my 3rd nightmare I decide not to go back to bed. It's not worth it at this point. I will have to wake up in a few hours to leave for the airport anyway. I pack up my things and go outside to go for a walk. I keep checking my phone for a text from Tyler but I never get one. It's disappointing but we do need the space. We have been spending a lot of time together lately.

When I get bored walking around the grounds of the hotel I arrange for an Uber driver to come pick me up and take me to the airport. I was able to get a somewhat cheap flight home considering I changed my booking last minute. On the plane I listen to my jazz playlist and it reminds me of Roman. I have to stop thinking about him. I close my eyes but don't fall asleep. I would hate to have one of my nightmares right here on the plane. I just lay my head back and enjoy my music.


	12. Routine

After getting back home from Nashville and taking a day just to myself I start to plan out a routine for myself. I let Phil know I am back in town and ready to get back to training at the gym daily. He is excited to have me back and to start training me for fighting. Over the summer I am going to be entering tournaments with him in my corner as my coach. Having some structure in my life again will help me with my urges and I think I am ready to go into recovery. This also means I am going to be going back to therapy and my meetings. It's going to be hard to start all over but I have to make a change in my life. Time to make a hard but necessary phone call to Dr. Murray's office.

After making an appointment with Dr. Murray's office I decide to take another big step in moving forward. I call the detective working on my attempted rape case and set up a time for us to sit down and talk about what happened. I have to do all of these things now before I lose my nerve and back out. I make myself something to eat before leaving and heading down to the police station. I am so nervous but I know this is something I have to do and have to do on my own. I still don't actually remember a lot about what happened but I keep having these random visions and it slowly is coming back to me. They just want to hear my side of the story no matter how much or little I can remember.

I drive to the police station and sit outside like I did once before. This time I don't sit around too long. I make myself get out of the car and walk inside. I manage not to look around and walk straight to the desk where the receptionist is sitting. I wait until she hangs up the phone and she looks at me. "I am here to see Detective Mattos," I say.

"Have a seat," she says as she points to a chair, "I'll get him."

Detective Mattos walks over to me and shakes my hand. I follow him back to his desk and take a seat. He puts a cup of water on the table in front of me and I begin to tell him as much as I can remember about what happened that night.

I feel a big weight lifted off of my shoulders after talking to Detective Mattos. I have been keeping so much inside not talking to anyone about what happened. I felt at ease talking to the detective. He made me feel comfortable. I am confident that the guy who did this will never try something like that again. I'm sure getting the shit beat out of him by Tyler probably wasn't pleasant either. I can't believe I was so scared to talk about it. I feel so much better.

After leaving the precinct and getting into my car I decide to reach out to Tyler.

Amy : Not that you care but I talked to the police

Jamieboo : um I do care

Oh shit, I didn't mean to text Jamie. Do I tell him it was a mistake? I can't really tell him that was a text meant for Tyler. Wait, did he say he cares?

Amy : you do?

Jamieboo : yeah

I can't believe I texted him. I can't believe he answered me. I can't believe he said he cares. I'm not ready for this. I didn't mean to text him. I can't even imagine what he is thinking right now. This is so embarrassing. This is what I get for trying to make Tyler feel guilty for being an ass. Now I feel like the ass.

Amy : sorry to bother you

Now let me go crawl into a hole and die now. He probably thinks I am trying to mess with him but it was an honest mistake. I wasn't paying attention to what I was doing obviously.

Tyler : Texted the wrong boyfriend?

Amy : shut up

These boys gossip worse than high school girls, I swear. Of course Tyler would bust my balls about it. I could imagine him sitting there smiling and giggling to himself about my mistake. I bet he is so proud of himself for coming up with that little quip. I've already gotten myself into enough trouble for today. I decide not to text anyone else and just go back home to relax. Tomorrow I have a busy day with therapy and going back to the gym. I have a meeting in a few days that I plan to attend. I am not sure if I am going to talk but I am sure Dr. Murray will tell me that I should.

I wake up during the night in a sweat. Another night, another nightmare. They're becoming way too frequent. I thought going to the police would help them go away. Today's appointment with Dr. Murray can't get here fast enough. Maybe he has some kind of solution that will help me get past this. I can't keep waking up terrified like this. I'm getting little to no sleep as it is.

A few texts come through to my phone and I pick it up to see who it is.

Tyler : (selfie)

Tyler : (shirtless selfie)

Tyler : (smirking selfie)

Amy : bored?

Tyler : oh I thought you would be sleeping

Amy : can't sleep

Tyler : (picture of Jamie sleeping)

Amy : you're a jerk sometimes

Tyler : you know you miss me

Amy : go to bed, good night

I try to fight sleep but I wind up dozing off sitting up in bed. I wake up to my alarm going off. My neck is in so much pain from sleeping in such a weird position. I get out of bed and walk into the kitchen to make from breakfast for both AnnMarie and I. You can't really go wrong with pancakes, bacon, and scrambled eggs. I know the best thing for me right now is to get into a steady daily routine and that starts with waking up at the same time every day, hence the alarm. I have my appointment with Dr. Murray at 10am and then I am going to the gym.

Just as I am putting the food onto plates AnnMarie walks into the kitchen and sits down at the table. "I thought I smelled bacon," she says as she pours two glasses of orange juice.

"I need a routine. I can do this every morning," I pause, "ok maybe not pancakes every morning but breakfast at least."

"You won't hear me complaining about that."

"I'm going to get back on track," I say confidently. I not only need to say it for her but for myself so I can hear it and not only say it or hear it but actually believe it and do it.

"I know you are." She takes a bite of her eggs. "So where does this leave you and Tyler?"

"I honestly don't know." I push my eggs around with my fork. I am not really in the mood to eat. I keep seeing the imagines of those nightmares in my head.

"You like him, though, right? You can't tell me you don't like him."

"I do but it's complicated." I stab at a piece of egg and put it in my mouth. I chew for so long before swallowing. I know I have to eat something but the thought of food makes me nauseous. Maybe getting into a normal routine isn't going to be as easy as I thought it would be.

"Are you ok?" she asks.

"Yeah. Just not feeling well. I'll be ok."

I struggle through it but I wind up eating the whole plate. I know I need the food to get me through the day especially since I am going to be working out later. I'll need all of the food I can get for energy. AnnMarie finishes breakfast and gets ready for work. I go into my bathroom to shower and get dressed. I pack up a gym bag to take with me. I pack my sports bra, shorts, mouth guard, shoes, and gloves. For the first time I am nervous to go to Dr. Murray's office. I know I have so much to explain. I am ashamed of myself for getting so out of control. He will fix me. He always does.

There is a big part of me that just wants to bail on my therapy session but I know this is something I have to do. I take the all too familiar route to Dr. Murray's office and park in my usual spot in the back of the lot. I get out of my car right away and walk into the building before I can change my mind. The receptionist smiles when she sees me walk up to the desk to check in. "Welcome back," she whispers to me as I sign my name to the clipboard. I smile in response and take a seat.

I walk down the hallway to Dr. Murray's office once my name is called. I take a deep breath before opening the door and stepping inside. I walk into the room with my head down and sit on the chair in front of Dr. Murray's desk. I don't want to look up at him. I don't even want to know what expression he has on his face. "It's good to see you, Amy," he starts off saying. "Why don't you start off by explaining what happened last time you were supposed to see me?"

He isn't wasting any time getting right into it. I finally look up at him and he has his arms folded across his chest and leaning back in his chair. "It feels like so long ago. I don't even remember." That is a lie and I know he won't buy it.

"I believe you do," he says, sounding impatient.

"Right, I was supposed to come here with Jamie and tell him about the addiction. I never got the chance to tell you that I wound up sleeping with Tyler and I told Jamie everything the day we were supposed to come here. He was so upset and broke up with me. Ever since we broke up I have been sleeping around and drinking. I'm ready to get my life back on track."

"I am sorry to hear about your break up. You were doing so well. What made you go off track?" He unfolds his arms from across his chest and rests his hands on the top of his desk clenched together.

"There is only so much temptation I can handle. Tyler kept pushing and pushing until I couldn't take it anymore. I snapped."

"Are you still in contact with him?"

"We are together a lot."

"Do you think that is wise?"

"Probably not," I reluctantly reply.

"This is a guy who found out about your addiction, pursued you even though you were in a committed relationship, and continuously sleeps with you with no regard for what is best for you."

"I'm not innocent in all of this."

"No you're not but he is enabling you and if you truly want to get back on track you are going to have to cut him out of your life."

I sit in silence for a bit to process everything. My mind has been so clouded lately I haven't taken time to sit down and think about it as a whole like that. I started depending on Tyler to be there for when I need him and that is just not healthy for either of us. I don't think I can just cut him out of my life completely. I like spending time with him. I know I can't have it both ways.

I hang my head and mumble, "I know."

"I am not saying it has to be forever but until you get back on track it would be in your best interest. It's not going to be easy but you know that. You have gone through all of this before." I don't respond. I have nothing to say at this point. I know he is right but I just wish he wasn't. "Is there anything else on your mind? It has been a while since I have seen you and I'm sure a lot has happened."

I tell him all about what has been going on with me. I tell him about all of the sex, the attempted rape, the nightmares. We make an appointment for me to see him again next week. We are going to try hypnotherapy to try to work through the nightmares. I am skeptical but I am willing to try anything at this point. It felt good to talk about everything with Dr. Murray. It's like the way things used to be. The hour session seemed to go way too quickly. There is so much I still wanted to say. That is what next time is for.

Once I leave Dr. Murray's I drive straight to the gym. I cannot wait to see Phil and to get working out again. I also am looking forward to starting my fight training. I am really excited to be entering tournaments this summer. It will help keep me occupied and help keep my mind clear. Once I get to the gym I change into my workout clothes and make my way to the boxing zone. Phil smiles wide once he sees me from across the room. "Long time no see!" he exclaims, "you ready for this?"

"Hell yeah."

He rubs his hands together. "I am going to kick your ass all over this gym today."

"Bring it on."

I learned very quickly that it is not a smart thing to tell your personal trainer to bring it on when they tell you they're going to kick your ass all over the gym because that is exactly what he did. I am sweating from head to toe and probably won't be able to use my arms for days but I feel really good. I am taking a break to cool off and to wipe myself down before starting my fight training. I take my phone out of my bag and take a selfie. My hair is slicked back in a ponytail, my bra is sweat soaked, you can see the sweat dripping down my face and chest. I send the selfie to Tyler without even thinking then put my phone back away. I take my towel out of my bag and wipe myself off and grab myself a drink of water.

It was only my first official fight training session but I know that I love it already. I cannot wait to start really sparring with people. I still have a few more days before actually sparring but Phil says I am picking everything up pretty quickly so he could have me spar earlier. He says he is impressed with my intensity and concentration. This is the first thing in my life that I have found to help me truly clear my mind and think about something other than sex. I don't want to leave.

After taking a shower I wrap a towel around my torso and step out into the locker room to get changed. I look around me to notice nobody else is in the locker room. I stand in front of the mirror and take a selfie. A smile creeps across my face and I quickly open my towel and snap a picture of myself in the mirror and cover myself up before someone comes in. My mouth is wide open with a smile and I actually like how it came out. I check to see if Tyler replied to my last text I sent him.

Tyler : smoking hot, babe

I decide to send him the 2 selfies from the locker room. I am not doing a good job of distancing myself from him, that's for sure. I feel like I am as addicted to him as I am to sex. I just can't help myself. I know he is bad for me but I can't help myself. I am not going to be able to just quit him cold turkey like Dr. Murray wants me to.

Tyler : such a naughty girl

Tyler : the things I would do to you

Just thinking about Tyler getting worked up from my picture starts to get me worked up. I can only imagine him being here with me right now and fucking me right in the locker room. The feeling is so vivid I can feel his hands all over my body. I close my eyes and can see him looking into my eyes with such passion. I open my eyes only to be disappointed to still be in the locker room alone. I begin to get dressed before I get too carried away. After getting my clothes on I throw my bag over my shoulder and walk out into the gym to say goodbye to a few of my friends I saw working out in the weight room.

Mack Carlson, Emmett Watkins, and Simon Harvey; the three musketeers. I've known them since 3rd grade. They're still as close as ever. They're the male versions of me, AnnMarie, and Brianna. I even went to my senior prom with Mack. We had made a deal with each other in 9th grade that if we were both single by the time prom came around we would go together and sure enough we were both single and we kept our promise. All 3 of them were on the baseball team and are still in incredible shape. I see them all the time here at the gym and we always make sure to say hi to one another. They are the only ones I've kept in touch with from high school besides AnnMarie and Brianna. They're sweet southern gentlemen and never judged me.

Mack was always short until senior year when he shot up and passed everyone at 6'2. We could no longer call him peanut but that didn't stop me from doing so. He has curly light brown hair and deep blue eyes. He always leaves it long on top and short on the sides. People always love to touch his hair. It is so soft. Great to play with and tug on when you're feeling frisky. He is almost always seen in some blue jeans and various colored plaid button down shirts with some Converse. Not much has changed since high school but it works for him. I couldn't imagine him any other way.

Emmett wasn't as lucky as Mack to get his growth spurt. At 5'7 he is the shortest of the musketeers. People underestimate him because of his size. He is tough. He has mastered Taekwondo and is now an instructor. Emmett has slicked back black hair and brown eyes and is built like a freight train. He is quiet and shy but will stick up for his friends if they need it. He can be a spark plug if pushed hard enough but for the most part is reserved. He reminds me a lot of Jamie.

Simon is and always had been the tallest and was disappointed when Mack caught up to him and eventually passed him in size. He is skinny with long arms and legs and just recently started to add muscle to his physique. He still has a long way to catch up to the other two in the bulking up department but he is getting there. He is the most outgoing of the 3. He always used to get into trouble in school. The class clown. He always has a well maintained beard and his dirty blonde hair sticking up in strategic places. He is the best dresser out of the 3. Always dressed to impress. He used to always wear contacts until his girlfriend told him how sexy he looks in glasses and now he is always seen wearing glasses. I would have to agree.

The guys are all at the juice bar laughing at something when I walk over. I shake their hands as we greet each other. "Looking good, Amy," Mack says, eyeing me up and down.

"You're not looking too bad yourself, Mack," I reply then run my hand up and down his toned bicep. "Mmm, your hard work is paying off."

"Are we going to have to hose you two off?" Simon jokes, elbowing Mack and winking at me.

"I was just heading out if you wanted to join me, Mack," I say, ignoring Simon. Usually I would have a funny comeback but the way I am feeling right now I just want to take him into the back of my car and rip his clothes off. He is looking so good. His hair falling in front of his eyes from being just a bit too long. His arms bursting out of his tight fitting t-shirt and his shorts clinging to his ass.

"Some things never change, do they?" Emmett says after taking a sip of his juice.

"I'll see you guys later," Mack says after picking his bag up and taking a step towards me and stands next to me. I look up at him and smile and he smiles back. He puts his free arm around my back and we walk out to where my car is parked. "I came with Simon so I'll ride with you."

A text comes through on my phone as we both get into the car. I check my phone after putting my key in the ignition.

Tyler : can you stop by my place and let the dogs out? Brandon can't make it.

I am already so worked up I can't just leave Mack here now. I will have to bring him with me. If Tyler finds out he will kill me. That's why I have to hold off until after we leave. "We have to stop at my friend's house first to let his dogs out," I say as I turn on the car, "It shouldn't take long."

I pull up to Tyler's house. "Do you want me to stay in here?" Mack asks.

"No, come with me."

We both get out of the car and walk up to the door. I get Tyler's key out of my purse, open the door, and we walk inside. Marshall and Cash run up to me and jump up on me as soon as we get in the door. I squat down and let them lick my face as I rub their heads. I walk with them to the door to let them out into the back yard. Mack slowly follows behind me looking all around. "This is a really nice place," Mack says once he catches up to me in the backyard.

"Yeah," I reply.

He walks up behind me and puts his arms around me leaving his hands on my stomach and rests his chin on my shoulder. "Would he be mad that I am thinking of doing bad things to you in his hot tub?" he asks then kisses my neck.

"Probably," I answer as I rub my ass on his crotch.

He pulls my jeans down slowly past my hips and slaps my ass. I turn around and caress his package slowly. I kick my shoes off and let my pants fall to the ground and step out of each leg. Mack leans down and kisses me as he pulls me up against him. I pull his shorts down and he kicks them off. I let go of his package to turn the hot tub on. I turn around to see Mack is fully naked. He steps down slowly into the hot tub. I quickly take the rest of my clothes off and join him, I grab hold of his hardening cock and give it a few tugs before straddling him. I hover over his throbbing head as I kiss his neck. He grabs my ass hard and pulls me back and forth over his now fully erect penis. He bites my shoulder and I sit down hard on him. 

I imagine what Tyler was feeling when I sent him the naked picture. Mack is so hard and desperate for me. I bet that's what Tyler is feeling right now. The water in the hot tub is making hard for me to thrust as hard into him as I want to but Mack helps along. He squeezes hard onto me as he pushed me towards him. I kiss him hard as I use the edge of the hot tub for leverage and I sit down hard on him and he climaxes. 

After we dry off, put our clothes back on, and spend some time playing with Marshall and Cash we leave and go out to dinner. We have a good time catching up on what has been going on in our lives lately before I drop him off at his house. I had a really good time out with Mack but I feel guilty for not only having sex with him but having sex with him at Tyler's house. I hope Marshall and Cash don't tell him what happened. This recovery thing is going to be harder than I thought.

I drive back to AnnMarie's after dropping Mack off at home. I know what I have just done was so wrong on so many levels. I am at least supposed to be making an attempt to get myself on the right track. I always see Mack and the boys at the gym and we talk here and there but I have always been able to contain myself. Mack and I together brings me back to when we were in high school and I was a wild child, worse than I am now. We did everything under the sun together. I wasn't controlling my addiction at that point and he wasn't complaining. It's a wonder we never wound up together. We were always attached at the hip. It's better this way. He's a good guy and I am a mess.

When I get home AnnMarie is watching the Stars pre-game on TV. I drop my gym bag in my room and come back out to join her on the couch. She hands me the bag of Doritos she was snacking on and I take a few out for myself before handing her the bag back. "I saw Mack and the boys at the gym," I say, "hung out with Mack afterwards."

She stops eating and looks at me in shock. "I assume there was nakedness involved."

"You would assume correctly." She shakes her head and continues watching the TV. "I couldn't help myself. The way he was looking at me...mmm mmm. It had to be done."

"The therapy is helping already I see," she says sarcastically.

I roll my eyes and laugh. "You're not going to like me when I actually stop. I become pretty unpleasant."

"It will be worth it. You just have to do it at your own pace. I know."

We watch the Stars lose to the Sharks in a heart breaking loss. We both turn in for bed but I have trouble falling asleep. I lie awake in bed tossing a tennis ball up in the air and catch it, up in the air and catch it, up in the air, the sound of my phone going off distracts me and the ball hits me in the face as I reach to grab my phone. It bounces off my face, drops to the floor, and rolls under the bed. I hope that didn't wake AnnMarie up.

Tyler : got any more of those pics?

I take a selfie sticking my tongue out and send it to him

Tyler : cute

Amy : tough loss tonight

Tyler : yeah. thanks for letting the dogs out

Amy : no prob

Tyler : it stinks on this bus

Tyler : (selfie holding his nose, face scrunched up)

Amy : I should try going to sleep. Goodnight.

Tyler : talk to you soon. Night.

I put my phone down on my bedside table and turn off the light. I toss and turn a while before finally falling asleep.


	13. First Meeting in a Month

I wake up in the morning with my alarm. I sit up in bed and rub my eyes. I am not nor have I ever been a morning person so it's hard waking up like this on purpose. Every part of me would rather just fall back asleep especially since I had trouble falling asleep last night. I made a promise to myself that I would get into a regular routine and that includes waking up at the same time every day so here I am. I slowly get out of bed, step into my slippers, and walk to the kitchen to make some breakfast.

All I have planned for the day is going to the gym and my meeting later on tonight. I have to figure out what I am going to do with my down time. Down time is what gets me into trouble. I toast up some bread and make some cheese omelettes for us to enjoy for breakfast. I make myself some coffee to see if it will help me to wake up a bit. I feel myself dozing off standing up. I wait for AnnMarie to join me at the table before starting to eat. "Day 2 of waking up at a decent time isn't going well," I mumble as I struggle to keep my eyes open.

"You'll eventually get used to it. That's what the rest of us do every day."

"Phil says I can work at the boxing zone when I am ready to go back to work."

Before I met Jamie I did have a job. I wasn't very good at it. My mind was occupied with trying to control myself and I couldn't concentrate on what I was supposed to be doing. I was lucky to have a very understanding boss that didn't fire my ass. After I moved in with Jamie I quit and focused on myself and being with him and that was working for me. After the whole breakup and getting out of control I have felt like a whole different person. Sometimes I don't recognize myself. I feel like I am going through the motions of everyday life but I am not in control. I am a spectator in my own life. I want to regain some control.

"That will be really good for you."

"Yeah then I can get out of your hair and get my own place."

"Stop it. I am happy to have you here."

We eat our breakfast and then we each get ready to get our days started. AnnMarie heads off to work and I sit down in front of the TV on the couch. I don't turn it on but I sit there and watch it as if something was on. I am lost in my own little world thinking about Tyler and whether or not I need to distance myself from him. I feel like we might have to have a serious conversation about what each of us are looking for for the future. I don't even really know what I want. I either have to tell him I have to just be with him and really try a relationship or I have to tell him I can't have any contact with him. I am not ready for either of those scenarios. I know I have to make some kind of decision soon if I expect any change to happen.

I walk to my room to grab my gym bag and head out to my car. I don't have an appointment with Phil until a little later but I have to get out of the house. Sitting around worrying about this stuff is not going to do me any good. I get into the car and go for a drive. I plug in my iPod and turn on my jazz playlist. I drive along trying to just clear my head and focus on the road in front of me. I don't have any real plan of where I am going. I just know I need to be out.

I drive through my old neighborhood where I used to live before meeting Jamie. My condo looks exactly the same. They haven't changed a thing in over a year. I drive through where I used to live as a kid back with my parents. They don't live in this house anymore. I have some mixed memories about my childhood. For the most part I was a happy child with a happy life. As soon as my addiction started I turned into somebody different. I didn't understand what was going on at first and neither did my parents. They never wanted to learn about it which made us fight constantly. There is still a stump where my dad cut the tree down that lead to my bedroom window. I used to sneak out of it all of the time to meet up with guys and do various sexual acts with them.

Most of the time I don't miss my parents. Usually I start to feel all sentimental about them when I am feeling extra alone. There are times I say to myself this is the time I will pick up the phone and call but then I never do. I see my dad at the games sometimes and I know he sees me too. He chooses to act like I don't exist so I act the same towards him. Jamie tried talking to him once about me at one of the season ticket holder events and he acted like Jamie had the wrong person. I could really use their support right now as I try to figure out what I am going to do with my life. I have my friends. My friends are more family than my actual family. That's the way it's been for a while now. I have come to terms that that is just how it's going to be.

I pull up to Jamie's house and park in front. I wasn't expecting to come here but that is what happens most of the time when I go on these drives. I almost always wind up at Jamie's house. This is where life made the most sense to me. I was happy and in control of my life. I felt normal for once. He would be so disgusted with the way I have been acting lately. I wish I could go inside and just sleep in our bed one last time. I would sniff the Jamie smell right off of his pillow. It's probably better I left my key there the last time I was there. I didn't want to be tempted to go inside like I am so tempted to do right now. Instead I sit here in my car looking at the house we once called ours. I want so badly to tell him how much I miss him.

My phone goes off from a text message and snaps me out of my trance.

Tyler : dont even know what to do with myself on this day off

Then there is Tyler. I can't help but let out a laugh. I am almost in tears sitting in front of Jamie's house. A man who might never forgive me for what I did to him. Tyler is trying so hard to just have something with me and all I want to do is push him away. He is a great guy but I feel in my gut that he just isn't the guy for me. I obviously don't know what it is that I want. I feel bad for how I feel. I do love spending time with Tyler. I really like him. I can admit that much. I love how my body reacts to him no matter how bad he might be for me. I just don't know what I want to do at this point.

Amy : you should relax

Tyler : that sounds boring

Amy : I am going to the gym. Boxing time

Tyler : be careful

Amy : always

I get to the gym and change into my workout clothes. I still have a little while before I have my session with Phil so I decide to do some light cardio on the elliptical to get myself warmed up. I do about 30 minutes on the elliptical before getting off. I spend some time watching the musketeers lifting in the weight room before walking over to the boxing zone for my session with Phil. I train hard with Phil for 3 hours before taking a break. I walk around the gym drinking my water and protein shake before walking back to the boxing zone to do some boxing. The only reason he pushes me so much is that he knows my body can handle it. He usually doesn't have someone workout so long in one day. I need the distraction. It's the only time my mind is clear.

I love pushing myself harder and harder as each workout passes. It's a rush. Phil and I agree that I am ready to start sparring so I will begin that phase tomorrow. I am looking forward to it. It is something new to me. I actually have never gotten into a fight let alone hit anyone. It should be interesting. I know everything that Phil has been teaching me has been preparing me for this. I'm a little worried about getting hit but Phil says "just be faster." I know nothing can prepare me for getting hit. It is going to just have to happen when it happens. I don't plan on getting hit much, however, I will be faster.

After taking a shower and getting dressed I go out to get something to eat before I go to my first meeting in over a month. I am not really nervous about going to the meeting. I haven't figured out if I am going to speak yet. Dr. Murray really wants me to but I may just want to take it in and get used to be in that setting again. I may change my mind once I get in there but at this point I don't have any plans to speak. I decide to get a burrito at Chipotle. I haven't been here in a while. I take a selfie with my burrito and send it to Tyler before unwrapping the foil and devouring my meal.

Tyler : you should bring me some

Amy : ate it all, sorry

Tyler : you love to torture me

Amy : I do

I drive to the building the meeting is in and go in immediately after I park. I take a seat in the back of the room and wait for the rest of the members of the meeting to walk in. I see several familiar faces and an equal amount of new faces as well. I politely nod to a few people who make eye contact with me and we smile at each other. I feel at ease among my people. I only feel just a little bit ashamed that I have not been abstaining. These things happen though. Recovery is not an easy road. I know there is no judgement here so I shouldn't feel ashamed.

After listening to just about everyone in the room stand up and talk I decide it would only be the right thing to talk about what has been going on with me. I hadn't planned on speaking until the moment there was a long pause between speaking volunteers. I stand up and walk to the front of the room. I look out to each person in the group and they are all looking back at me. I take a deep breath before beginning. I am not sure what I am going to even say. I hadn't thought about it since I wasn't planning at talking at all. I usually like to be prepared.

"My name is Amy and I'm a sex addict. This is the first time I have been to a meeting in over a month." I pause for people to say welcome back. "The last time I was here I talked about sleeping with a friend of mine and cheating on my boyfriend. Ever since then I have had no control over myself. I've started drinking and sleeping around and I hate the person I have become. In addition to my friend I have lost count of how many people I have had sex with. I am supposed to be distancing myself from this friend but so far I haven't even tried. I feel so drawn to him even though I know he is bad for me at this time. I honestly don't know what I am going to do. I also was drugged and almost raped while I was out in a club looking for my next fuck. I've been having nightmares about it but that doesn't stop me from going out and looking for the next guy.I have told a few friends of my addiction since the last time I was here and they have been so supportive. It makes me wish I didn't try to do this on my own for so long. I don't really have anything else to add. I am just happy to be back and I am going to stick with it this time."

I walk back to my seat and sit down and watch as the next person stands up and makes their way to the front of the room. As I listen to Daryl talk I can't help but let my mind wander to start to think about the fact that coming to these meetings is actually what caused me to go off the wagon. If I never came here that guy would never have told Tyler about me and I would still be with Jamie. It makes me so mad, still, that someone would betray my trust like that. I can't fully blame these meetings, that guy, or even Tyler. I should have resisted. I had a moment of weakness and now I don't even know who I am anymore. I just need to keep coming to these meetings and going to therapy and trying my hardest to just be on my own for a while. It's not going to be easy but I have to do it.

Life has been pretty uneventful the past few days. I have been spending almost all of my time working out at the gym. I started sparring with this girl Phil has been training, Sophia Kelly. She is a little more advanced than I am but I am quickly learning just by being in the ring and experiencing everything. Phil almost has to beg me to go home because I am there so much. It is just that I am afraid of what I will do if I am alone too long with my thoughts. I have found it to be helpful to keep my mind and body occupied with other things. The Stars have been gone for a week and they come back today. I promised myself I would not reach out to Tyler even though I know I can't just stop seeing him cold turkey. If he asks me to come over I probably won't say no.

I check around my TV listings to see what teams are playing tonight and I see that the Flames are playing against the Kings so I decide to watch Raphael Diaz play. Every once in a while I think back to that day I saw him in the hotel and the way he was looking at me. I wouldn't mind having a round 2 with that guy. They're not going to be in town any more this season, though, so there is no use in even thinking about it. That's just not going to be good for my mental health. I laugh to myself when I see Sean Monahan on the ice. The look on his face before he left that hotel room was priceless. I tend to have that effect on people who can't handle me. I am just about to doze off when my phone vibrates.

Tyler : I'm home. Are you free?

Amy : I am pretty tired. Was about to go to bed.

Tyler : Please? I just want to see you.

Amy : I'll be there in a little while

I grab a duffle bag from my closet and put a change of clothes in along with something to sleep in for tonight. Once I get to Tyler's I don't plan on coming back home. I am too tired to drive as it is. It's already a little late so I doubt he was planning on me leaving anyway. I don't know what Tyler's expectations are for tonight but I would honestly be ok with just passing out in bed together. I am having a hard time keeping my eyes open as I get ready to leave. It is good that he doesn't live too far away so I won't be in the car for that long.

Once I get to Tyler's house I park out front, grab my bag from the passenger seat, and make my way up to the front door. Before I can knock the door opens and Tyler is standing in the doorway with nothing but sweatpants and a smile on. I have to admit I am pretty happy to see him. I have missed him while he was on the road trip. I smile at him and give him a hug. "It's good to see you," I say, muffled in his chest.

We walk inside and he closes the door behind me. I drop my bag down on the floor and we walk into the living room and sit on the couch. He puts his arm up on the back of the couch and I snuggle in next to him. His arm falls around me and over my shoulders. "Thanks for coming by," he says as he squeezes me close to him.

"I don't know how much company I will be. I am so tired."

"That's fine. You're here, that's all that matters."

"You're sweet sometimes, you know that?" I ask, jokingly. He lets out a laugh.

I sink down into him as I grow more and more tired by the second. He puts his arms around me over my shoulders and rests his head on my head. We sit there in silence and I listen to him breathe as I close my eyes. "Do you want to lay down in bed?" he says into my ear.

I shake my head no, my eyes still closed. I can't open them up anymore at this point. I am not quite sleeping; just listening to the quietness of the house. "I don't want to move."

"OK we can stay here." Tyler grabs one of the pillows from the other end of the couch and puts it behind his head and positions himself a little lower so he is lying down underneath me. I move to lie down on my side so he can get more comfortable. I rest my head on his chest while resting my left hand on his stomach. "The bed is so much more comfortable than trying to make this work on the couch."

"But that would mean I'd have to get up." He sits up, scoops me up into his arms, stands up, and carries me into the bedroom. He places me down on the bed and lies down next to me. "Ok that works too."

We each lay on our sides looking into each other's eyes. He smiles and I smile back. For the first time in a long time my mind is blank. I can honestly say I am able to lie here and enjoy the moment we are in. All that addiction stuff is always so exhausting. For once I am just happy to be lying here with Tyler in his bed and enjoying his company. I run my fingers through his hair and he nuzzles his head into my hand. I lean in and give him a soft kiss on his lips before dropping my head back onto the pillow and closing my eyes. "Goodnight" I faintly hear as I drift off to sleep. The last thing I feel are his lips on my forehead.


	14. Roman Josi Part II

When I wake up in the morning I open my eyes to see that I am alone in the bed. It doesn't sound like Tyler is in the house at all. I grab my phone from the night stand to look at the time. He is probably on his way to practice right now. I see that I have a text message so I check it out.

Tyler : tried to wake you. couldn't. had to leave.

I don't have to be at the gym for a few more hours still so I decide to hang out here until I have to leave. Marshall and Cash join me in the bed which makes it even harder to get up and be a productive member of society. I take a selfie of all 3 of us snuggled in the bed and send it to Tyler. He will love to see that once he gets out of practice. After fooling around on my phone for an hour I decide to get up, take a shower, and get dressed. I walk into the living room to get my bag and go into the bathroom to take a shower. The dogs follow me around the house and lie down in the hallway outside of the bathroom and wait for me to get out. I make sure they have food and water in their bowls before I leave. Tyler will be home soon anyway. I text him to let him know I am leaving.

Amy : heading off to the gym. I'll be at the game tomorrow. See you then.

Tyler : I should be in that picture

Tyler : be careful boxing

Amy : yes mom

I laugh at my joke. He hates it when I bust his balls for caring about me. I can't help it. He makes it too easy sometimes. I drive to the gym and park in my usual spot. I grab my bag out of the trunk and walk in. I wave to all of the familiar faces on the way to the locker room. I am beginning to see these people more than I see my own reflection in the mirror I am here so much. I change into my workout clothes and walk straight to the boxing zone. I am ready to get started. Usually I will do some light cardio to warm myself up but I want to start off by hitting something today.

Phil is still with another client so I work on a speed bag while I wait for him to finish up. I am still trying to find my rhythm with it but I am getting there. Phil walks over to me and watches and it makes me a little nervous so I stop. "No keep going, you're doing great," Phil says.

"I want to hit somebody."

"Ok, let's go."

He has me up against one of his clients, Sara Alexander, she is much more experienced than I am but he wants me to have a challenge. I get a few jabs in here and there but for the most part she owned my ass all over that ring. It's frustrating but I know I can't beat everyone, although it would be nice. Phil laughs at me while I pout in my corner. I take a few sips of water and we go back at it. Phil tells me I am focusing too much on offense and not enough on defense. Using hockey terms with me. I need to work on my blocking and focus less on trying to knock someone out.

I lose my concentration when I think I see Jamie standing a few rings away and watching. She connects a right hook with the side of my head and I go down to my knees. It's the first time I've really been hit like that and I am shaken up. Phil grabs my arm and helps me back up. "You're alright," he says. I look up and see Jamie standing next to the ring with a look of panic on his face. I smile at him. I can't help myself. "Take 5."

I walk over to the edge of the ring and sit down in front of Jamie with my legs dangling down. "You distracted me," I say, a little ashamed.

"I didn't mean to," he replies. He lifts his hand up to touch my cheek but pulls it back down before he does. "That scared me."

"I'm ok. It's going to happen a whole lot more. I have to get used to it."

"Well I should get going. Take care of yourself."

Before I can reply he walks away. I wish he would stay. I stand back up and take the water bottle out of Phil's extended hand. "Ready for more?" he asks.

"Yes I am." I turn my head to watch Jamie leaving the boxing zone, hoping he turns around to look one last time but he never does. I turn back around. "No more distractions."

The rest of my time in the gym is spent on conditioning. I wish I could have landed more punches but that will come over time. I have to stop being so impatient for results. I am still very new at this. I just have to be the best at everything and I hate that I am not. I know in time my hard work will pay off but I just want that time to be right now. It's not going to help me getting distracted like I did earlier. That was a rookie mistake and I paid for it. My face hurts a little from the punch but I know she didn't even hit me as hard as she could have. I am thankful for that. It feels a little swollen but I don't think I will have a bruise, which is nice, I am going to be seeing Roman either tonight or tomorrow. We haven't really decided on plans yet.

After getting showered off and changed I go out to my car. I am close to the hotel so I wonder if the Predators have gotten here yet.

Amy : are you here yet?

Roman : they postponed our flight until later

Amy : why must they ruin my life?

This is probably the world telling me I am making a big mistake making plans to get together with Roman. I am supposed to be working on me and all that recovery stuff. I should just lock myself in a basement until I can control myself again. I can't just go home and wait around. I need to keep myself occupied. I can't believe Jamie ran over to see I was ok. I have been trying not to think about it. It will only make me miss him more. He almost touched me. I wish he would have. I probably would have grabbed onto him and never let go. I look at my reflection in the rear view mirror to see that my eye has gotten a little bit swollen. I can still see out of it but it does look like someone just punched me, oh right, they did.

I take a pathetic looking selfie, pouty lip and all, and send it to Tyler.

Tyler : what the fuck happened?

Amy : it's just from boxing

Tyler : I told you to be careful

Amy : didn't do it on purpose

Roman : be there at around 1am

Amy : too long to wait

Tyler : you should come over and I'll take care of it

Amy : I can't, I have plans

Roman : it will be worth it, I promise

Tyler : but I am naked

Tyler : and who the fuck with?

Amy : Dustin from the Preds. He's gay, by the way, so calm yourself

Tyler : oh

I do feel bad about lying to Tyler but if I told him the truth it would just hurt his feelings. I don't mean to hurt Tyler. I am a shitty person. I finally put my phone down and head home. No use in waiting around in my car. It's still going to be a few hours until Roman gets here. I can't just sit in my car for all of that time. I decide to just go home so AnnMarie and I could have some dinner. I pick up some pizza on the way home and I order myself a grilled chicken caesar salad but I will probably have pizza too. It smells so good. I know I am supposed to be eating better to get into fighting shape but it's pizza. I can cheat just this once.

When I get to AnnMarie's house I drop my gym bag off in my room so I can do laundry after putting the pizza and salad down in the kitchen. I join AnnMarie at the table when my phone goes off. I roll my eyes and ignore it. I open up my salad and stick my fork into a piece of chicken when my phone goes off again. "You should check that," AnnMarie says,

"It's probably Tyler trying to make me feel bad," I say after I chew my chicken.

"You're not even going to explain the swollen eye?" she asks.

"Got punched pretty hard. Jamie distracted me and I lost focus."

"Jamie, huh?"

"It was..."

My phone goes off a few more times. I try to ignore it but I can't help but wonder what he is saying to me. I keep eyeing my phone but continue to eat my salad. After I take a few more bites curiosity finally gets to me and I pick up my phone and check my messages.

Tyler : (standing in the mirror with just a towel on)

Tyler : Just returning the favor

Tyler : (standing in the mirror with towel slightly open)

Tyler : cancel your plans

Tyler : you know you want this

Amy : where is the full frontal one?

Tyler : don't trust you with that one

Amy : yeah I wouldn't either

Tyler : so you coming over?

Amy : be right there

"I have to go," I say as I stand up from my chair.

"Where are you going? You just got here," AnnMarie asks, confused.

I hand her my phone. "He wants me to come over so I have to go."

"Well what are you still doing here? Go!" She hands me my phone back and I stick it in my pocket. "The road to recovery is bumpy."

"Shut up, I know!"

I grab my car keys from my dresser in my bedroom and go out to my car. I probably drive about 600 miles per hour to get to Tyler's in a record 5 minutes. I am surprised I wasn't pulled over but I would have had to tell the officer it was an emergency. A sex emergency. I barely have the car stopped before getting out and practically sprinting to his front door. I don't bother to wait until he lets me in and use my key to open the front door. "That was fast," he says as he walks into the living room. He is still in only a towel, most definitely on purpose.

"You gave me no choice." I walk over to him and run my hand up his body. "I'm not supposed to be doing this." He wraps his arms around me and leans down to kiss me. He slowly pulls away as I try to kiss him back.

"You were saying?" he says as he puts his hands up my shirt and rubs my back. I still get chills up my spine every time he touches me.

"I don't even remember anymore," I reply as he kisses my neck. He pulls me close to him as he continues to kiss my neck. I rub the back of his head and run my fingers through his hair. I reach down to the towel and grab it off of him and drop it to the floor. I grab him by the hand and we make our way to the bedroom. I push him down on the bed and take my pants off. I crawl on top of him slowly, running my body up along his. He runs his hands down the sides of me and places them on my ass.

"I've missed this."

"Me too," I say as I pull my shirt over my head and throw it in his face. He laughs as he takes it and throws it across the room.

I bite on his lower lip as I grab onto his penis. He runs his tongue over my bottom lip before I take it into my mouth and suck on it. I slowly run my hand up and down his throbbing cock. He flips me onto my back and hovers over top of me. He kisses my chest and I run my fingers through his hair. He kisses me all the way down to my belly button and stops. He looks up at me with a mischievous smile and passion in his eyes. "Keep going," I say, barely able to speak. He comes back up to kiss me. I wrap my leg around him and push on his lower back to try to push him into me. He stops himself right before he goes inside of me. "Come on, baby," I plead, "just fuck me." 

He thrusts hard into me. I put my hand on the back of his head and pull him down towards me so I can kiss him. I grab onto his hair and kiss him hard as he fucks me harder and harder. He kisses my ear and breathes heavily into it. "That's it, Tyler, keep going," I say, "don't stop." He moves from my ear to my neck and caresses both of my breasts. He slows down slightly. "Harder." He does what I say and thrusts harder. I lift my hips up so he can get deeper into me. He holds himself up by putting his hands on either side of my head as he goes faster and faster. He orgasms.

After we enjoy a nice, long shower together I get dressed and go back to Annmarie's house to wait for Roman's text that he is here. After sex with Tyler I feel guilty that I also have plans to meet up with Roman but this is the last time I will get to see him so I am going to make the most of it. I am a little mad at myself that I gave in to Tyler so easily when I am supposed to be keeping my distance. Right now keeping my distance just seems impossible. When I get back to AnnMarie's I go right to my room to take a nap.

My phone vibrating under my pillow wakes me up from my deep sleep. I sit up and look to see who messaged me. It's about 2am.

Roman : if you're still awake I'll still come see you

Amy : you're crazy, we can wait until tomorrow

Roman : I don't want to wait. send me your address

Amy : I could just come get you

Roman : ok that sounds good

Amy : be there in 10 minutes

I practically tip toe through the house as if I was in high school trying to sneak out of my parent's house. I'm surprised I'm not trying to climb out of my bedroom window. I open the door just enough so I can slip through the opening and I close the it slowly. I get to my car and drive to the hotel. I can feel my heart beating faster with anticipation of seeing Roman. I feel naughty, like I am sneaking around with some kind of forbidden fruit. I get to the hotel and text him that I am here. It doesn't take him long to get outside and get into my car. He leans over and kisses me on the cheek. "Hey, it's great to see you," he says.

"You're looking good," I reply as I look him up and down. "That beanie has to go. You're in Texas." I grab the beanie off of his head and throw it into the back seat. He tries to fix his hair. "You look fine, knock it off." He smiles and I smile back.

I drive away and soon realize I have no idea where I am going to take him. I don't have a place of my own we can defile. I know he isn't expecting us to just hang out and talk about our lives because that sure as hell isn't what I want to do. He is looking mighty fine and he is lucky I am driving because the way he is looking at me I want to take his clothes off right here and now. It doesn't help when he puts his hand on my knee and slowly moves it up my thigh. "I've been looking forward to this since the last time I saw you," he says as he squeezes my thigh as I speed up a little to get home faster.

"So have I. Any chance of you just signing with Dallas? That would make this so much easier."

"You'll just have to move to Nashville."

"We'll see." I get us home in no time and I park the car all the way up in the driveway so we can't be seen. I turn the car off. "I'm trying to figure this out. We can't go inside. My friend would kill me. We can't do it in here. I've tried it and it's just not comfortable."

He puts the seat all the way down so he is lying down. I climb over the center console and straddle him. I kiss him as he puts his hands down the back of my pants. I start to grind on him and kiss him behind his ear. He breathes hard into my ear as I move from his ear down to his neck. He squeezes my ass hard and pulls me into him. "I'm going crazy," he says, "we have to get out of this car."

I open the door, climb off of him, and get out. He follows behind me. I frantically look around to figure out our next move. He pulls his pants down and I pull mine down. He picks me up and tries to lower me down onto him but he keeps losing his balance. "This isn't working," I say and he puts me down. He kisses me and I cup his balls and rub his cock as he sucks on my neck.

We walk over to the fence to the backyard. He comes up behind me and wraps his arms around me as he continues to kiss my neck. I rub my ass slowly on his crotch and he smacks my ass gently. I use the top of the fence for leverage and bend over. "This can work," he says as he positions himself behind me and soon inside of me.

He thrusts hard a few times. I lurch forward and hit my lip hard on the fence. "Ouch!" I cry out.

"Did I hurt you?"

"I'm fine, keep going." He continues to thrust into me as he holds onto my hip with one hand and onto the fence with the other. 

I just had some of the hottest sex ever besides the fact I just got a fat lip from banging it on the fence. We were going at it like crazy and I guess we thrust forward too hard and I banged my lip pretty hard. It's split and swollen. Looks like I got into a hockey fight or hit with a puck or something. Roman was so sweet and asked if he hurt me but I told him to keep going and he did. I had him smack my ass while doing it and I could tell that wasn't his first time. I guess I didn't realize how bad it was until we finished up and he was able to look at me. He looked horrified but I assured him it was well worth it.

I drop Roman back off at the hotel after we sit in my car and talk for a while. I feel bad because he has a game tomorrow, well today, but we stayed out until 6am. I hope he doesn't get into trouble. I offered him several times to take him back but he insisted we hang out. I had a great time with him even though I look like I got into a fight with a fence and lost, oh that's right, I did. I wanted to make out with him some more but I couldn't because of my lip. Stupid fence, ruining everything. I get back home and ice up my lip a bit before falling asleep.


	15. Tyler's Had Enough

I only get a few hours sleep before my alarm goes off. I really want to throw it against the wall and go back to bed but I have to keep up with my routine. I sit up in bed and open my front facing camera to see what my lip looks like. I don't have the energy to get up and look in the mirror. It looks worse in the daylight than it did last night. It's still swollen and all bruised up. At least it's not bleeding anymore. I take a selfie and send it to Roman. He is probably going to sleep during morning skate this morning. I feel bad but that was his decision to stay out so late.

Roman : you still look cute

Amy : thank you

I walk out into the house and take a seat on the couch in the living room. I don't think I will be going to the gym today. I can't even keep my eyes open. I still have plans to go to the game tonight and I can't be falling asleep during that. AnnMarie wakes up and comes out through the living room on her way to the kitchen but stops short when she sees me. "What the hell happened to your face?" she asks.

"We need to put cushion on that fence out there."

"You had sex with Roman outside? Doesn't he have a hotel room or something?"

"He has a roommate and he wasn't even supposed to be out. He snuck out."

"It looks painful."

"It was so worth it."

"I don't need to know."

"Are you coming to the game with me tonight?

"Yeah, I will go. I don't want to miss seeing Roman and Tyler fight over you."

I have some fruit for breakfast. I am a little bit nauseous so I am not really in the mood for real food. Sometimes when I am so tired it is hard for me to eat, this is one of those times. I have some strawberries and watermelon along with an orange. The acidity of the orange stings the cut on my lip but I finish. AnnMarie gets ready to go to work and I continue to sit in the kitchen and try to wake myself up. The more I sit around doing nothing, the more anxious I get. I decide to go to the gym after all, just not to the boxing zone. I plan on just doing some light cardio and maybe some light weights. I just need to get out of the house and occupy my mind.

I put some fresh workout clothes in my gym bag before leaving the house. I am hoping my workout will wake me up a bit so I am not a zombie for the rest of the day. I get changed once I get to the gym and walk right to my favorite treadmill to do some jogging. I put my earbuds in and turn on my workout playlist and just escape my head for a while. I get into such a rhythm on the treadmill that I don't realize I have been jogging for 45 minutes already. I slow down my pace to a cool down walk for another 15 minutes before getting off and taking a break. I was going to do some lifting but I see the musketeers in there and don't feel like seeing Mack right now so I decide to just end my workout. I take a quick shower and get dressed.

I leave the gym and my stomach is growling at me to put some real food into it. I drive past Chipotle and make a u-turn to go back around and stop in for a burrito. I don't even know how I am going to eat a burrito with this lip but I will make it work if I have to. I am craving Chipotle and nothing is going to get in my way. I park my car and get on line. I picked the worst time to come here but I don't mind waiting. The place starts to go all up in a buzz but I can't quite make out what they are saying. Everyone starts to look towards the back of the restaurant and whisper to each other. I hear somebody say "Tyler can I take a picture with you?" and I turn around to see a few fans crowding around Tyler in a circle. I turn back around before he spots me.

"Amy, I see you," he yells to me. I pierce my lips together and scrunch up my face. I don't want him to see me like this. "If you're not going to come back here, I will come to you."

I turn around. "I'm not leaving my spot."

He walks through the restaurant and over to me. "What the fuck happened to your lip? I told you I didn't like this boxing stuff."

"Don't worry about it. It wasn't even from boxing. Well, my eye was." I notice the whole room watching us. "You should take pictures with your fans and I'll get my lunch and be on my way." I don't like when people want to know my business just because of who I know. My busted lip has been getting me weird looks enough as it is. Now I have Tyler here giving me a lecture.

"You're not leaving here without explaining this to me so please just wait."

Tyler signs some autographs and takes pictures with those who ask while I order my food. I order Tyler his usual as well so he won't have to wait for it and we can go eat somewhere together. This is not what I was expecting when I decided to come here today but I don't mind. I just can't tell Tyler how I actually hurt my lip. He might try to choke me with my burrito. I pay and walk over to Tyler with our food as he finishes up with the last few fans. "I got yours," I say.

"Thank you," he says as he signs some kid's napkin.

"Can you take our picture?" some girl says to me, shoving her phone in my face then taking her place next to Tyler after I take the phone from her. Her friend stands on the other side of him and they put their arms around him. I snap the picture. "She dumped Jamie and has already moved on to Tyler...slut," I hear one of them mumble.

"Excuse me? What did you say?" I say as I get right up in their faces. "You don't know what the fuck you are talking about." I drop her phone to the floor. "Oopsie, my hand slipped."

"Woah woah, what is going on?" Tyler says as he steps in between us. "Come on, let's go." He grabs my arm and walks me outside.

"I was about to cut a bitch," I say as I start to walk towards the door. Tyler grabs my hand to stop me. "Jealous cunts calling me a slut," I mumble under my breath.

"Just calm down. Who cares what they think? Come on, let's go eat. I am so hungry."

"I'll follow you."

We each get into our cars and I follow Tyler to this little park. I have been here before. Sometimes I walk around it to clear my head. This is also where Val found me that one night and I seduced him in his car. I still don't think he quite knows what happened to him. Poor guy. There are picnic tables we can sit at and it is a beautiful day. We park and walk over to an open table. I set up our food and drinks and take a seat in front of him.

"So what happened to your lip?" he asks. I was hoping he would just drop it.

"I'm going to be honest. You don't want to know. Let's just leave it at that." He sighs deeply and just looks at me. I look down at my food. It's the same thing every time. I have a nice time with Tyler, I go fuck some one else, he gets mad, I get mad that he gets mad, we make up, lather, rinse, repeat. "I'm not proud of myself." I pick up my burrito and pull back the foil and slowly nibble on it. I am not even hungry anymore. The silence is killing me. I don't even want to look up at him. I can't even imagine what is going on in his head right now. How many times do I have to hurt him for it to be enough? "You ok?" I finally ask. I couldn't take it anymore.

"Listen, I know you're going through some stuff. When this all started it was just fun but it's not fun for me anymore. I know I'm not the only one and the thought of you with someone else just kills me and I can't do it anymore. It would be best for the both of us if we just went our separate ways for a while."

A tear rolls down my cheek. I knew this would happen. It just hurts a lot more than I thought it would. "I understand."

"Maybe when you're better..." he starts to say then stops.

"Yeah, maybe," I add.

He stands up and stuffs his food into the bag. "I should go. Bye, Amy." I can't even watch him walk away.

"Bye," I say as I hang my head. I slam my fists down on the table a few times before pushing my food onto the ground. I stand up from the table and kick the other half of my burrito across the picnic area. I can feel myself starting to break down and people are starting to look in my direction after the scene I just caused.

I march to my car and burst out into tears once I get inside. I rest my forehead on my steering wheel and sob. I don't even remember the last time I cried like this. I guess it would have been when Jamie broke up with me. I try to catch my breath but it gets harder the more I try. I deserve this. I know I deserve this. I feel like such a piece of shit. I never wanted to hurt Tyler like this. This feeling is all too familiar and I hate it. I should have just stayed home today.

It takes me a little while but I finally pull myself together and drive home to wait for AnnMarie to get home from work so we can go to the arena. I thought about just not going to the game tonight but it will still be nice to see Roman. I just don't think I will be in a good mood at all but I will try to have a good time anyway. I call my contact to see if he can get me ice seats on the Predators side and he is able to hook me up. I just can't be on our side tonight in my usual seats. I'm sure Tyler and Jamie and the rest of the guys will see me sitting there but I can't worry about what they will think. I need to do this for my own sanity, what little I have left that is.

Once AnnMarie gets home and gets changed out of her work clothes we get into my car and head to the arena. I thought we weren't going to make warm ups because of traffic but we made great time. We go to the box office to pick up the tickets and head to our seats. Dustin is hanging out on the bench when we get there and he smiles wide when he sees me. "I wish I could come over there," he yells.

"I know!" I yell back. I could really use one of his hugs right now. Dustin gives the best hugs.

"So are you going to explain why we are over here tonight?" AnnMarie asks once Dustin walks away and I sit down. "It feels weird."

"Tyler and I are over. Not like we were anything to begin with. We are even more nothing now. If that makes sense."

"You could have just said you're not fucking anymore," she says bluntly, "isn't that what you wanted?"

"I know it's what is best for the both of us right now. Doesn't mean I don't care about him and wish things were different."

She laughs. "You don't even know what you want right now."

"This is true." The teams come out for warm ups. My eyes automatically fixate on Roman. He smiles at me when he notices I am watching him. "I know I want him right now." She shakes her head at me. "Well I do."

Roman checks the boards in front of me and looks back at me and smirks. I bang on the glass with both of my hands and he sticks his tongue out as he skates away.

"You two are disgusting," AnnMarie says and I laugh.

The whole time Roman is out on the ice my eyes do not leave him. I watch him like a hawk. It takes so much skill to be a hockey player. I love to watch them move. They each have their own unique way of doing things. Roman skates with such grace out there. It's like he glides across the ice. I am sad when warm ups are over and he leaves to go to the locker room. He winks at me as he walks past us and I smile.

It doesn't take Tyler long to notice where I am sitting. During one of the first TV timeouts he spots me as he skates by on the way to the bench. I turn my head to the side when we make eye contact. He has a sad look on his face and I can't look at him right now.

Tyler opens up the scoring by scoring a goal. Jamie and Jason Demers get the assists. I stand up and cheer them on just like I always do. They skate right past us on the way to slap hands with the team on the bench to celebrate the goal. Tyler looks right at me and turns his head back to face the front. I feel like it all happened in slow motion. I wish he would stop looking at me. I thought sitting on this side of the bench would be easier on me.

It's a fast paced game as it usually is with these two teams. Lots of scoring chances but Tyler's goal remains the only goal of the game so far. I have my eye on Roman across the ice when Jamie startles me by checking Shea Weber into the boards right in front of me pretty hard. Shea goes down and doesn't get back up right away. I can tell Jamie spots me because we make eye contact then his eyes go wide and scrunches his face up with confusion before skating away. They refs stop play and Jamie skates over to where Tyler is standing. I know they're talking about me because they are looking in my direction and talking. Tyler is pointing but Jamie talks with his glove over his mouth. I look anywhere but where they are so they don't see me watching them. Shea stands up on his own and we applaud him. He looks like he is going to be ok.

"They were talking about me. I just know it," I say, still stewing about it as play continues.

"What do you think they were saying?"

"I'm sure it was nothing good. Now they can bond all over again about how horrible I am."

Tyler's goal winds up being the only goal of the game and the Stars win. After the game we go out to get something to eat. We wind up going to Pappas Bros, we come to this place after almost every game and the host knows us and knows where we like to sit. He brings us to our usual booth and we wait for our waiter.

"You're lucky I stopped drinking again. I need alcohol tonight."

I watch her eyes look up and follow something across the room. "Maybe you can stop tomorrow," she says as she motions her head towards something behind me.

I reluctantly turn around and see Jamie and Tyler sitting a few tables away from us laughing with each other. I turn back around. "Lovely." Our waiter comes over and we order our food. "Can you send 2 of the largest, pinkest, fruitiest drinks over to those two guys over there?" I ask as I point over my shoulder to Tyler and Jamie. "Make sure they know it's coming from me." I hand him two 20 dollar bills. "Keep the change."

"Trouble maker," AnnMarie says.

"I can't resist messing with those two."

Our server brings our drinks over to us. I take a sip of my lemonade as my eyes are fixated on our waiter over at the bar. He says something to the bartender and the bartender laughs as he grabs 2 very tall, very skinny glasses. I lose sight of him when the server brings our appetizers over. I keep trying to look around her to watch the drinks being made but I can't get an eye on the bartender again. By the time the server leaves the table the waiter is already making his way across the restaurant over to their table. I start cracking up once I get an eye on the drinks. "Oh my god, there they are." They are pink with fruit on skewers sticking out of the glass and topped off with a little umbrella to bring it to a whole other level. "This is going to be good," I say, still laughing. I turn around in my chair so I can watch it all unfold.

The waiter makes it to their table and puts the drinks down in front of each of them. Tyler looks so confused and Jamie looks like he is trying to say they didn't order the drinks. The waiter points over to me and they both look over. I wave. Tyler starts laughing and Jamie lifts the glass and takes a sip. "That was totally worth it," I say as I turn back around to start eating.

The waiter brings over my sea bass and we have our dinner. While we eat I explain to AnnMarie what happened with me and Tyler earlier today and why we are no longer whatever we were. I know it's for the best but it's just tough for me not to text him or go over to see him. He's just been a constant in my life so it's weird to all of a sudden not have him be there. I know this feeling will pass and in the end it will be best for me. It just sucks. Seeing Jamie over there doesn't help either. He looks good. He got a haircut. I like it. Of course he is wearing a hat right now covering up his amazing head of hair. Tyler too. It's a shame.

We are busy eating our food and joking around when there is a knock on our table. Two knocks. I look up to see Jamie and Tyler. Tyler walks past us and Jamie says, "well played, Aims." Then walks away quickly to catch up with Tyler.

"Did you hear that?" I ask, a little in shock, "he said Aims. He called me Aims."

"Don't read too much into it."

"Yeah I know. It was just nice to hear again."

Jamie always used to call me Aims. It was just his little name for me. I am just happy he is calling me anything at this point. Every time I see him lately we are making a little more progress to maybe start talking again. I don't know if we will ever get back together but I really want the chance to tell him about me, my addiction, everything. I almost thought I saw him smile at me but I don't want to start wanting that. I'm just glad they got a laugh out of it. I thought it was funny.


	16. Not My First Threesome

The past week has been rough. The Stars have been on a road trip and this is the first time Tyler and I haven't been texting and face timing throughout the whole thing. I have been sticking with my routine of waking up at the same time every day, going to the gym, staying out of trouble. I haven't had sex since Roman was here and that seems like ages ago. It has been rough but I am getting through it. I had my appointment with Dr. Murray yesterday and we tried the hypnotherapy for the nightmares that I keep getting. I was suppressing the memories of what happened that night and it was only a matter of getting them to the surface. Dr. Murray said it took a while but I was able to tell him everything. My mind does feel a lot clearer and last night I was able to sleep through the night.

I find myself feeling really anxious during the day when I am not keeping myself occupied. I open my phone every 20 seconds it seems just to check to see if I have any new messages. I always write a text to Tyler but erase it before I send it. It's usually something like 'I miss you' but I am giving him his space. I know better than to actually send it. It makes me feel just a little better to at least type it out.

I have been spending a lot of time at the gym. It's the only place I truly feel normal. My mind is clear at the gym. After my session with Phil I realize I haven't eaten anything since breakfast this morning and I have been at the gym for about 5 hours. Phil doesn't know I am still here. He sent me home 2 hours ago but I wasn't ready to leave. I have been going back and forth from the treadmill to the elliptical and back. I am absolutely soaked with sweat. I only stop because my body physically won't do anything anymore. It's practically begging me to go home. I make my way to the locker room and take a shower. I need a massage.

I am so hungry so I decide to go to the hotel restaurant to get something to eat before heading to my meeting. It is the closest place to eat and I just love the food there. I walk in and sit down. Even though I could probably eat a whole cow right now I just order a salad with some grilled chicken.

After I finish my meal I grab my purse from the chair on next to me and stand up to leave I take a step and immediately feel as if I have walked into a brick wall and I drop my purse and almost fall over. I am grabbed by the arm and stood up and I regain my balance. "I am so sorry," he says as I pick my purse up off of the floor.

"It's ok," I say as I stand back up. I look up to see these big brown eyes looking back at me. "Oh, I know you." It's Teddy Purcell who is on the Oilers right now. I forgot they were in town. They play against the Stars tomorrow. They must have flown in early.

"Do you? Well it would only be fair if I knew you then, don't you think?"

"I'm Amy," I say as I stick my hand out to shake his.

He takes my hand in his and kisses it. "It was a pleasure bumping into you, Amy, we should do it again some time." The contact from his lips to my hand sends my heart into a flutter. I run my tongue over my lips. "So see you later?"

"Later? Is now a bad time?" I ask. His hand is still holding mine. He rubs the side of my hand with his thumb. There is a little voice in my head telling me to turn around and walk away but I push it away once a smile creeps across his face.

"I'd have to see if I could get my roommate out of the room."

"The more the merrier I always say."

We are still holding hands and he takes a step closer to me to be right against me. He puts his other arm around my waist. "Are you being serious right now?" he asks in my ear.

"Dead fucking serious," I say then kiss him on the neck.

He looks around and starts walking. "Ok let's go." I follow him to the elevators. We step into the elevator and he presses his floor number. "I don't know if he's going to be into this."

"I can be pretty persuasive." This has got to be the slowest elevator ever created. We are crawling up each floor. "So who is your roommate? Just curious."

"Andrew Ference."

"Must be my birthday." He laughs. We finally get to his floor and I follow him down the hallway to his room. I almost burst out laughing when I see the number on the door, 914, this is the room Raphael Diaz was staying in when I had sex with him. I only remember because of the 14 in the number and it reminded me of Jamie. I tried having a threesome then and it didn't work out. Maybe this time I will be more successful.

We walk into the room and Andrew is on his bed doing something on an iPad. "I'm gonna talk to him. Wait here," Teddy says so I stay standing awkwardly in the doorway. I smile at Andrew when he looks up and he smiles back but looks at Teddy confused. Teddy walks over and they start whispering to each other. Teddy motions to me a few times with his hands and Andrew looks over. He looks me up and down and smiles. He must like what he sees. They talk a bit more and Teddy gives me the thumbs up. "He's in."

I walk over to Teddy's bed and sit on the edge. I kick my shoes off and unzip my pants.I must admit this is not my first threesome. The troubled looks on both of their faces shows me that they have never done this before. "I'll go easy on you guys, I promise," I say to lighten the mood. They exchange looks then look back at me. "This would be a lot easier if you were over here." I pat the bed next to me. I giggle as they seem to be frozen where they stand. I don't blame them for it. This is a very intimidating thing. I am sure when they woke up this morning they didn't think they'd be having a threesome with someone they just met. I see that I am going to have to hold their hands, which I do not have a problem doing.

I pull my jeans off and leave them on the floor next to the bed. I pull my shirt up over my head and drop it where my jeans lay. I stand up and walk over to where they are and grab Andrew by the back of the head and kiss him. He is hesitant at first but then starts kissing me back. As Andrew kisses me I reach for Teddy's hands and place them around me. He feels me up as he presses himself against my ass and kisses my neck. I first grab Andrew's package from the outside of his pants but can't help myself when I feel his size and unzip his pants to get my hand in and grab his cock. I move my ass in a circular motion against Teddy's crotch and he starts to grind in synchronization with my movement. I turn around to kiss Teddy and Andrew wraps his arms around me and cups my breasts as he kisses my neck and shoulders.

Once I feel Teddy getting hard I push him towards the bed. He drops down once the back of his knees hit the edge of the mattress. He takes his pants off, followed by his shirt. I turn around to see Andrew has already done the same and I smile.

I put my hand on Teddy's chest and slowly push him down on his back. I begin kissing his neck and move my way down his chest, past his stomach, and to the waistband of his boxer briefs. I pull them down slowly to tease him a bit. I put my hand around the base of his cock and roll my tongue over the head. Andrew grabs both of my ass cheeks with each hand and squeezes before giving one cheek a little smack. I reach behind me with my free hand to grab him and guide him into me. 

It's hard to concentrate on giving Teddy head when Andrew feels so amazing inside of me. Whoever says size doesn't matter is lying. Size is an amazing thing. I lick up and down his shaft before wrapping my lips around his cock and taking the whole length into my mouth. He grabs the back of my head as I come back up and lick around the head of his penis. Andrew is plowing away as he squeezes hard on my ass. The more worked up he gets, the more I let Teddy fuck my mouth until he cums. After Teddy cums he moves out from under me and Andrew finishes the job. 

I should have gone to my meeting. I was supposed to be in a meeting. I promised myself I would go every week and just after one week back I have already missed one. It's not like I was too busy or chickened out. I had sex instead of going to my meeting. Not only did I have sex instead of going to my meeting, I had sex with two guys. It had been a week and a few days since I had any sex at all and I thought I was doing well. Once Teddy kissed my hand I might as well have dropped my pants right there because I was all his. The thought of the threesome sent me over the edge. I was like an animal in there. I couldn't have stopped myself no matter how hard I tried. It was like an out of body experience but now that it's over I have the crushing guilt. I should have been stronger than that.

The good thing about having as much sex as I did last night is that once I got home my head pretty much hit the pillow and I was out. It always happens when I am abstaining that I barely get any sleep because my mind will not shut off. I wake up to my alarm rested for the first time in a week. I cook us a huge breakfast. French toast, scrambled eggs, bacon, toast. I have a newfound pep in my step. I am high on the endorphins that come from the thrill of a threesome. I know this won't last much longer. I am enjoying it while I can. I quickly shove food in my face so I can head out to the gym. I am sparring all day today. I have a few months to get into fighting shape. My tournaments start in June. I get better every day but I have a lot to learn still. A lot of it is muscle memory.

I have started to notice that I have started to put on a considerable amount of muscle. I am much more toned than I was. Phil jokes that I should enter those body competitions. No thank you. Once I get to the gym and get changed I walk right to the boxing zone and over to Phil. I take my new matching head gear and mouth guard out of my bag and put them on. They are Green, white, and black just like my gloves. Phil shakes his head at me. What can I say? I love my Stars. I do a couple of warm up exercises and stretch before getting into the ring.

I spend 2 hours sparring with several different people. I am becoming more confident in myself and my abilities in the ring. Phil can tell. He tells me what I still need to work on and I go for a few more rounds before calling it a day. A few of these girls get a few good shots in on me and I get frustrated. I have to work on containing my emotions. I never have been good at that in any aspect of my life but I know it's crucial. I have a little bit of swelling on my face but I am happy that I have been starting to get shots in on these girls myself and I am doing a lot better with blocking than I was. I will not be satisfied until I am the best.

After the gym I decide to go home. The Stars do have a game tonight but I think I would just rather watch from the comfort of the couch. It would be interesting to show up there and sit on the Oilers side but I won't do that to those guys. They've had enough excitement to last the rest of the year. I pick up some food and then drive home. Once I get home I put the food on the coffee table in the living room and drop my gym bag off in my room. I get us some drinks and take my seat on the couch to watch the game.

"I saw Tyler today," AnnMarie says almost immediately after I sit down.

"Oh?" I ask, trying to be nonchalant and hide my excitement.

"He asked how you were doing. Told me not to tell you he was asking so you don't know."

"What did you tell him?" I curiously ask. I don't even know how I am doing. I mean I was doing well until last night but I didn't tell anyone about that so as far as anyone knows I am still doing well with my recovery.

"I told him you were good. You are good, right?"

"I'm fantastic."

"Oh god, what did you do?"

"Just a few things. Don't worry about it."

My phone goes off and I look at it to see who it is.

Garrett : Seguin was looking for you during warm ups

Amy : I'm not there tonight

Garrett : I figured

"Tyler is missing me," I say as I show AnnMarie Garrett's text. Garrett is one of the guys who works at the arena that I have become pretty close with. He doesn't know everything but he knows enough to want to let me know what Tyler is up to.

"What are you going to do about it?"

"Nothing. I'm going to give him the space he wants."

The game was a painful one to watch and I am feeling thankful that I stayed home to watch it instead of going to see it in person. The team is playing sloppy hockey. They're not playing like the Stars I know. There are times that both AnnMarie and I want to turn the game off but we always stay through to the end. They are not making their shots on goal. They are not connecting their passes. They look they they aren't even trying out there.

At one point in the game Taylor Hall hits Jamie and it sets Jamie off. He gets up from off the ice and gets right up in Taylor's face. He grabs his jersey and tries to get him to fight but Taylor isn't biting. Jamie yells in Taylor's face and Taylor yells back as he tries to get away. It was so hot. It reminded me of the passion Jamie can have. It's such a big turn on. You would think it would have lit a fire under all of their asses but it didn't help much. The Stars wind up losing and not even scoring one goal.

They talked to Tyler in the post game interview but he was just not in the mood. You could tell he was upset with the way they performed tonight. I don't blame him. It wasn't their best effort. When the interview was over he walked away before even finishing his answer to the last question he was so aggravated.

I could not sleep all night last night. I stayed up watching video of Jamie trying to fight Taylor Hall over and over and over again. It's all I could think about. He had fire in his eyes. Even when I would try to sleep I would see his face when I closed my eyes. I got myself all worked up and I need to work this off in the gym. All of me wants to go to Jamie's house and tie him up and fuck him until I can't stand anymore. It is taking every fiber of my being to not go and do just that. I have written and erased so many dirty texts to him. I am out of control and I have to take care of this before I go and do something stupid.

I'm supposed to be having a rest day but I can't rest, not until I have sex. I just know myself, I know my head, and I know my body. This feeling is not going to go away. I can barely see straight. I know I should just wait it out but the easy thing would just be to have sex. It's the weak way out but I haven't felt an urge this strong in quite some time. I can't even sit still. I find myself zoning out and just imagining Jamie grabbing me forcefully and pushing me up against a wall and fucking the ever loving shit out of me. I have to go to the gym. I have to get my head clear.

I drive to the gym not sure of exactly what I plan to do once I get there. I'm not even supposed to be working out today. I don't want to over work my body but I just couldn't sit around at home feeling like I do. I don't know if doing some light cardio is going to cut it. I start out by walking over to the treadmills and jogging but I can't get myself into it so I step off. I am desperate to get my head clear and start to wonder if Mack is here. I could always count on him for a quickie if needed. I walk over to the weight room to see if he is here.

The weight room always has a distinct aroma of dude in it. The smell wofts through the air as I walk to the back of the room where Emmett is sitting on one of the benches working on his bicep. He smiles once he spots me from across the room. Once I get over to him he puts the dumbbells down on the floor and puts an arm around me for a hug. "Hey, Emmett," I say as I hug him back, "alone today?"

"Simon is on his way and Mack is sick so he's not coming," Emmett replies as he wipes the sweat from his face with a towel, "what are you up to?"

"Did some light cardio. On my way out." Somebody squatting behind Emmett catches my eye and I catch myself staring. "Or I was on my way out." I watch him squat a few more times until he puts the bar back on the rack. Emmett shakes his head and continues his workout. I walk over to the guy and rub his arms with both of my hands. "You are so good at that," I say then wink.

He smirks and looks me up and down. "Why thank you," he replies.

He looks familiar but I can't put my finger on it. I know he is a hockey player. I just can't place a name with the face. "You play hockey, right?" I ask.

"Yeah. Charlie Coyle. Minnesota Wild," he says, extending his hand to shake mine. I shake it. "So you always walk up to people in the gym and compliment their technique?"

"Only the really good looking ones."

"Forward. I like it," he says as he puts his hand on my lower back and pulls me closer to him. "I can show you my techniques in other areas." He leans down and gently kisses me on the lips.

"You are talking about sex, right?" I jokingly ask. He laughs and bashfully shakes his head yes as his cheeks turn 50 shades of red. "You are speaking my language, Charlie. I know just the place."

This gym has a sauna. Not many people know about it. Nobody really uses it anymore. It's in a weird part of the gym and unless you have been going here for a while there is no way to know how to get to it. The rooms are still in working order just in case somebody does decide to use them but in all of my years coming here I don't think I have ever seen anyone use them. It is the perfect place to bring someone if you want to have some nasty sex with nobody knowing you're doing it. I am not saying I have brought anyone into one of these rooms before but I have thought about it on more than 100 occasions. I know what I am about to do is all kinds of wrong but watching Charlie do those squats reminded me of when I would watch Jamie workout. He always got me so worked up and thinking about Jamie is what got me here in the first place.

I walk down the deserted hallway to where the room is where all of the saunas are and Charlie follows behind me. "Are we even supposed to be here?" he asks.

"We are allowed to be here. They would probably frown on us having sex in here though. That isn't going to stop me from doing it though. You?"

"Yeah," he says looking around.

"Nobody comes down here anymore. Don't worry about it."

I open one of the rooms and we step in and I close the door behind us. There are slotted wooden benches that line the room. I look around to see if there is anything I can put down so it will be more comfortable. There is nothing. I guess I didn't really think this through all the way. Charlie sits down on the bench and the left side of his lips curl up into a smirk. He pats his lap twice.

I walk over and straddle him. He puts his hands up my shirt and runs his hands up and down my back. I put my hands on either side of his head and run them through his curly hair as I kiss him. He opens his mouth and I run my tongue along his. His hands move from my back to my front and grabs my breasts. I start to grind on him and he places his hands on my ass and pulls me harder into him. I break away from our kiss to breathe. He pulls my shirt over my head and kisses my neck. I continue to grind on him until I feel him start to get hard. I stand up and grab his cock through his shorts and run my hand up and down the shaft a few times and he throws his head back. I quickly take my shorts and panties off and he pulls his shorts down and pulls his penis out. I hover over him and kiss his neck, teasing him by almost sitting down on him. I moan as he pushes me down onto him. "Oh god!" we both say at the same time. 

Both of us are hot and sweaty from our workout but that doesn't stop me from kissing his ear and neck while I ride him. The saltiness from his sweat doesn't bother me. It actually adds to the appeal. His hands don't leave my ass as he continues to pull me towards him. I try to control my rhythm but his strong arms are making it hard to dictate. He kisses my chest and neck while I put my hands on the wall behind him to gain a little leverage as I sit down hard on him a few times. His breathing gets heavier and his hands drop to his sides as I go faster and faster. He bites down hard on my neck, grabs my ass with both hands and pulls me hard into him as he cums.

I let Charlie clean himself up and leave the room first before I go out just in case there were anyone else here, which I doubt. I wasn't quiet and neither was he so if there were anyone down here it wouldn't be a secret was was going on in here. Luckily there are showers down here so I can shower up before going back out into the gym. I know I came to the gym to get a release but this wasn't the release I was quite thinking about. I do feel a lot better. I just know it was the wrong way to go about it.

After my very relaxing shower I leave the sauna room and walk down the hallway to go back into the main part of the gym. As soon as I open the door and step out of the hallway I see Jamie and Tyler. I almost walk right into them. I panic as if they could tell what just happened by looking at me. I feel my cheeks getting hot with embarrassment. Tyler doesn't really look at me but Jamie smiles. I nod hello. I can't even form words right now. "Were you boxing today?" Jamie asks.

"Just did some light cardio," I reply softly as I look down at the floor. I can't look at him. I feel guilty knowing what I just did and he's looking at me like he is.

"Oh cool," he says then runs his fingers through his hair. There is an awkward silence as both of us avoid making eye contact with the other.

"Well I should get going. It was good seeing you," Jamie says as Tyler walks past me.

"You too." I start to walk away but can hear Jamie saying, "why didn't you say anything?" I turn my head to look back and Tyler looks back at the same time. I quickly turn back around and walk faster towards the doors and leave the gym.

It is so confusing now that Jamie has been talking to me again. It's not like we have had a major conversation but it's more than what it was before. He couldn't even look at me let alone speak to me and now all of a sudden he's asking about what I am doing. I don't even know how to process it. Are we going to become friends at some point or are we just going to have awkward one or two word conversations for the rest of our lives? I know I am not ready to actually sit down and talk about all of this with him but it would be nice. I still miss him so much. I'm just not in a place to be able to say I am ready to make this work if that's even what he wants. It was easier when he was just ignoring me.

I don't know what is going on with Tyler either. He tells me he wants space but asks about me to my friends and looks for me at games. I know he is hurting. I don't mean to hurt him but I know that I do. What does that say about me that I miss being with two different guys? It's better for all who are involved that I am on my own. I can't hurt anyone anymore this way. I thought I was getting better but I obviously still have a lot of issues to overcome. I thought I had put this behind me. Tomorrow is another day to be better than today. I can't change what I have already done.

The Stars have a game tonight and it looks like I will probably be going. At first I was just going to stay home but there are just 2 games before playoffs start so I might as well enjoy them while I can. I still love my team and I love going to watch them live. We are going to have to learn to coexist with one another so I might as well start now.

I wait at home for AnnMarie to get home from work then we drive to the arena for the game. We sit in our usual spot to watch warm ups. Garrett comes over to us and gives us each a hug. He says something about "torturing the poor boy", laughs, and walks back to his post at the top of the stairs. "It must be time for the McDStars Selfie with Tyler," I say as we look around the lower bowl and watch all of these people take out their phones and start to take selfies as if their lives depended on it. I take my phone out. "Should I take a selfie and send it in?" I ask in a goofy voice as I flip my hair.

"You so should," AnnMarie answers.

"No that wouldn't be right." I pause to think. "Although it would be funny. I mean they know me. They'd never pick me."

"No harm in tweeting it. I say do it."

I turn my camera on and hold the camera out in front of me. I stick my tongue out and open my eyes wide to make the silliest face I can make. I show it to AnnMarie and we laugh. I tweet it out. Warm ups get underway and I watch Jamie for a bit as he skates around. Tyler skates over to him and checks him into the boards and they laugh. "Tyler shaved. Are you seeing this?" I smile as they goof around together. I get a notification on my phone and it breaks my concentration. I look to see what it is and it's from Twitter. "Oh my god.," I say as I stare down at the direct message from the Dallas Stars. "I can't believe he picked me. He knows me."

"People are going to riot."

"I guess I should go down there," I say as I stand up, "this is a bad idea."

I walk down to the tunnel to wait for Tyler to skate over to me. They hand me the phone while they are cracking up. I am glad someone finds this funny because this is going to be very weird. I watch as he makes his way over and the smile on his face slowly fades once he sees me standing there. "What are you doing?" he asks.

"It was supposed to be a joke," I reply, "I didn't think they'd pick me."

"Well they did," he says then shakes his head and laughs. "Only us, right?"

"You shaved. You look 12. It's cute."

He rubs his cleanly shaven face. "Cute? What happened to calling me hot?"

"I'm not around to call you hot anymore," I say as I look down at the ground," plus, can't be calling 12 year olds hot, now." He laughs.

"I guess we should do this. I have to go," he says as he starts to pose with me.

I hold the phone out and take the picture. Without thinking I kiss him on the cheek. It was like second nature. Like I have done so many times before. He just looks at me, looking a little annoyed, "I'm sorry."

He shrugs as he says, "whatever, it's fine." I watch as he walks away. I am such an idiot.

I am kicking myself as I walk back to meet AnnMarie at our seats. This is what I get for joking around. That was weird. I probably pissed Tyler off and just made everything worse. I am never doing anything like that ever again. I am sure Tyler won't even want to talk to me after what just happened. Why did I kiss him?

"That was only the worst thing ever," I say as I sit down in my seat.

"I saw," AnnMarie replies, "you kissed him."

"Don't remind me," I say as I cover my face with my hands. "It just happened. I wasn't thinking."

"At least he didn't push you away or anything."

"He might as well have. I would have deserved it."

It is hard for me to enjoy watching the game because I am sitting in my seat stewing about how weird it was between me and Tyler. We used to be smoking hot and now we're awkward. I regret ever sending in that selfie. Someone else could have gotten the picture with him. I can't help but keep picturing the look on his face when he saw me standing there. Disappointment. The look on his face when I kissed his cheek. Disgust. I know he doesn't hate me. I know he is just hurting. I know I am not making things easier on him by being around everywhere he is. I understand.


	17. Dr. Murray Can't Help

The Stars wound up winning last night and I was able to get an ok night's sleep. I woke up with my alarm today feeling a little sluggish so I am hoping I can wake myself up a little bit before I go to the gym. I have a long workout day today with Phil. I am going to be conditioning and sparring so I have to get mentally prepared for that. That means no more thinking about what happened with Tyler. It happened and I just have to move on. Nothing I can do about it now so there is no use in dwelling on it. I make myself some eggs for breakfast and a smoothie to go along with it.

There is another Stars game tonight against the Penguins and I had planned to go to it but now I am not so sure. At this moment I am leaning towards not going but I am sure that feeling will change as the day goes on. After I eat my breakfast I get ready to head out to the gym. I want to get an early start on the day just in case I do decide to go to the game later. I will probably be at the gym for 5 hours with everything I have planned.

Once I get changed in the locker room I walk into the boxing zone to start my long workout day. Phil smiles when he sees me walk in. He loves bringing me to my limits and ultimately past them. I swear he gets off on watching me suffer. It's a thrill for me and even though I feel like sometimes I am going to die, I love the feeling of coming out on the other side. I can feel myself getting stronger each day. My time spent in the gym is all worth it. My mind is clear while I am here and focused on my fitness and my boxing.

We start the day off with sparring. Usually we start out with conditioning but he wants me to get some hits in. I work on boxing for about an hour and a half before taking a break and switching over to conditioning. It is refreshing to have something I can escape to to get out of my own head for a while. I have been doing too much over thinking about too many different things and I feel like I am going insane. I truly don't know what it is that I want and I know this is not something I should be dwelling on. I need to work on me first.

After Phil kicks my ass all over the gym I am dripping with sweat. Every article of clothing is drenched. I feel loose and energetic from the endorphins. I could probably run a marathon despite my legs already feeling like jello. I take a nice long shower in the locker room before changing back into my clothes and leaving the gym. I am feeling good even though I got hit hard a few times in the head. I am hungry and craving pizza and even though Phil would disapprove I decide to go for a slice. If I limit myself to one slice I will be in good shape.

There is a place down the road that I have been to a few times so I decide to go there. Serious Pizza, home of the 30 inch pizza pie, where there is always a guy flipping some dough in the air. I love watching the guys toss the dough. It truly is a skill and they love to show it off. I walk in and order myself a buffalo chicken slice. It's hard for me not to order more but I have to be good. I get myself an iced tea to wash my slice down with. Once I get my pizza I walk over to a table and sit down.

I see on my phone that I have a missed call from Dr. Murray and a voicemail. I open my voicemail and listen. "Amy, this is Dr. Murray, I am aware that you missed your meeting. I can only imagine why. I cannot keep treating you if you refuse to try to help yourself. You can make an appointment when you are ready to get serious about your recovery."

I feel like I am having a panic attack. I can't breathe. Tears well up in my eyes as I struggle to catch my breath. I never in a million years would think I would get a phone call like that, not from Dr. Murray. He has been there for me since the beginning. The one constant in my life that I could always count on to get me through anything. I am losing everyone I truly care about because of this fucking addiction. I can't believe he wouldn't even tell me face to face. He left a voicemail. He didn't even wait for me to be on the phone with him. After all of these years I would think I was more important to him than a voicemail. I can't believe this is happening right now. I know I have been messed up but I have been trying to get my life back in order.

I rest my elbow on the table and rub the tears from my eyes as I rest my head in my palm. I take a deep breath and sit up straight. I don't want to make a scene and I feel like I am making a scene. I shift my eyes from left to right and nobody is even looking at me. I feel alone. I pull myself together and begin eating my pizza. Each bite I take is slower than the next. I have no appetite anymore. I would probably throw it out if it didn't taste so damn good. I drop my half eaten slice of pizza down on my plate. I look around the room and watch every person and their smiling faces just going about their lives without a care in the world. I feel like my life is slipping quickly away from me. I'm losing everyone I care about. And these people are just so happy, like it comes that easily to them. I envy them. I hate them. I want to be them. I want to be normal.

I am staring at a spot on the table when my concentration is broken by a hand is placed down onto it. I look up the arm to see the face of the person who is invading my personal space. He smiles when we make eye contact and I roll my eyes. "Did you get your license suspended for driving so many guys crazy?" he says.

"That line work on all of the ladies, does it?" I ask. I am not in the mood for this right now. The funny thing about it is I do drive everyone crazy. I drive them right out of my life.

"It got you talking to me didn't it?"

"Not for long," I say as I stand up.

"Sit back down, please, you didn't even finish your food." He places his hand on my shoulder and I sit back down.

"I'm not really hungry right now but I appreciate your concern."

He puts his hand on my hand and says, "do you want to get out of here with me?"

I pull my hand out from under his and place it in my lap. "Any other day I would, just not today."

"Just my luck I pick the wrong day to hit on the prettiest girl in Texas."

"I am not in the mood for this today, man," I say as I cross my arms over my chest and lean back in my chair.

"But I'm a hockey player. You should want me."

Am I being punked right now? I feel like I am not even in real life anymore. I am getting pissed off that he is still standing here talking to me. I grab him by the balls through his jeans and squeeze him a little hard but not hard enough that it will hurt him. "I've fucked more hockey players than you will ever see in your lifetime. You are nothing special, Beau."

Without missing a beat he replies, "oh so you know who I am." Totally unphased that I still have a firm grip on his package. "So are you going to let go?"

I slowly let him go one finger at a time. "Are you going to leave me alone now?" I ask, practically begging him to walk away.

He leans on the table on both of his hands and puts his face right in front of mine. He's so close I can smell the aftershave on his face. I close my eyes. Is he going to kiss me? "You know you want me," he says softly. I open my eyes and all I can see are his blue eyes looking right back into mine. I stare at him for what feels like an eternity, neither of us blinking. I can't help let a smile slowly creep over my face and he smiles back.

"Would you fuck me right here, right now, in the middle of this restaurant?" I finally say.

He puts his hands on my cheeks and kisses me while running his fingers through my hair. He pulls back, still holding my head, and replies, "yes I would."

"You're not going to leave me alone, are you?" I ask and he shakes his head no with the right side of his lip curled up into a smirk. "You win, let's go."

I pick up my plate and drink cup and walk over to the garbage can to throw them out and Beau follows behind me. We walk to my car and both get in. I drive to the hotel and park the car. We both get out and walk in. I should just have my own special room in this place I am here so much. Amy's Sex Palace Room. Has a nice ring to it. We step into the elevator. "I can't believe you caved. I thought I'd never get you to come with me," Beau says as we ride the elevator to his floor.

"You broke me down. What can I say?" Not to mention that I tried my hardest to resist him but I am weak and here I am. What would these guys do if I actually told them I was a sex addict? Would they still sleep with me? Probably not. Tyler was the only one and I fucked that up.

I follow Beau to his room once we get off of the elevator. He opens the door and we walk in. I put my purse down on the desk and walk over to the bed and sit down on the edge. He sits down next me and kisses me softly. He runs his fingers through my hair and I lean into his touch. We lie down on the bed and continue kissing, getting more passionate with each kiss. I reach my hand into his pants and start stroking his cock. I unzip his pants and pull them down off his ass. He pulls them down the rest of the way and gets on top of me, pushing his erection into the inside of my thigh.

I quickly take my pants off followed by my shirt, then I pull his shirt off over his head. I massage his balls as he kisses my neck. He starts to thrust his hips into my hand and I squeeze a little harder. "Not so fast," I say into his ear. I wrap my legs around the small of his back and hold him into place as I slowly rub my hand up and down his shaft.

"You're killing me," he says in a breathy whisper. I can feel him trying to thrust his hips into me. I stick my tongue in his mouth and roll it around his tongue. I grab his firm butt with both of my hands and pull him towards me. "Come on, let me in." I pull his boxer briefs down.

My body starts to ache for him. I can't hold him off anymore. I pull my panties down. "Fuck me good, Beau," I say as I grab his ass and push him into me. He holds onto the headboard as he thrusts into me. He's not really looking at me but that's ok, I don't need him to. I'm sure any other girl would be a little offended but I don't need intimacy. I just need sex. Maybe he's trying to escape something just as much as I am. Once he starts to quicken his pace he looks down and into my eyes. He smiles as he goes deeper and deeper and I grab onto his back. He leans down and kisses me as he goes even faster. He straightens up as he gets closer and closer to finishing. I arch my hips up and he slams into me a few more times before cumming.

As Beau takes a shower I gather my clothes up from the floor and begin to get dressed. I pick up my purse and open the door to leave. I should probably say goodbye or thank you or something. I walk into the bathroom. The mirror is fogged up with steam and I can hear him humming. I can't help but giggle. He pulls the the curtain back and sticks his head out. "I just wanted to say I'm leaving," I say.

"It was nice meeting you," he replies then gets a puzzled look on his face, "I didn't even ask you your name."

"Let's leave it that way. A little anonymous sex never hurt anyone." I pause. "Just out of curiosity, why did you come up to me?"

"You just looked like you needed it. I was just trying to make you laugh. I didn't think we would end up back here. I'm glad we did though."

I get a tear in my eye. I don't know why. I am usually not this sensitive. Maybe it's because I really did need it, maybe not the sex, but just somebody to notice I was there. I walk over to him and put an arm around him for a hug. I don't care that he's wet and still has shampoo in his hair and now I am wet and have a little shampoo in my hair. "Thank you." He smiles and returns to his shower and his humming. I walk out of the bathroom, through the room, and out of the door.

After leaving the hotel I go home to shower and take a nap before the game tonight. It is the Stars last game of the regular season. Playoffs will be starting soon and I can't wait. The atmosphere in a hockey arena during playoffs is unlike anything I have ever experienced in my life. I hope they go far. Heck, who am I kidding, I hope they win the cup. They deserve it. The whole team has been working so hard this season. It would be a shame if they didn't come out on top.

If AnnMarie hadn't come home early and wake me up I probably would have slept through the whole game. I sit up in bed and take a look in the mirror to my left. My hair is a mess and I look like I need about 5 more years of sleep. I stand up and open my closet to see what I am going to wear. I smile at the green Benn jersey that hangs on the door. I am usually not one to wear jerseys but Jamie gave it to me when we first started dating and it always makes me smile whenever I see it. If they make the finals I will wear it.

After rejecting every article of clothing I have in my closet I finally decide to just go with some jeans and a v-neck t-shirt with some sneakers. I usually wear these boots that come up to my knees that have a ridiculously high heel. I call them my hooker boots and I am sure everyone else does too. I love them, though, I am just not in the mood to wear them. I haven't been able to get Dr.Murray's voicemail out of my head. I just can't believe this is the way he decides to tell me. I am half tempted to call him up and give him a piece of my mind but I know that wouldn't solve anything.

We get to the arena just in time to watch warm ups from our usual spot. I look around at everyone drinking their beer and I start to really want one. I close my eyes and tell myself this is the last thing you need. "GIRLS!" a familiar voice yells. I turn around to see Mack, Emmett, and Simon climbing over the backs of seats to get down to us.

"There are stairs in this arena, you know, boys," I joke as we exchange hugs.

"Here," Mack says as he hands me a cup of beer. He hits his cup against mine and takes a drink. I hesitate but drink about half of it in one gulp. "Holy shit, girl, you need another one?"

"I shouldn't," I say.

"Take mine," Simon says as he hands me his cup.

I drink the rest of the beer that Mack gave me and put the cup down on the floor at my feet and start working on the one Simon gave me.

"Do you think this is a good idea?" AnnMarie asks.

"Probably not," I reply, "but I need it."

The team skates out from the tunnel to start warm ups. Mack puts his arm around my shoulders and AnnMarie and I just exchange looks and I shrug. Simon comes back with more beer for everyone so I finish the one in my hand and start on my next beer. Simon, Mack, and Emmett hit the glass and yell as the guys skate by. I hide my face so none of the team see I am with them. All 3 boys are dressed in dress slacks and have their jerseys over their collared shirts making it obvious they all just came from work. Simon and Emmett wear Benn while Mack is wearing Seguin. I can't help myself from cracking up at the irony.

I watch Jamie skate from one end of the ice to the other and check Tyler hard into the boards. "I wish I was in the middle of that!" I yell as I point in their direction. Mack to the left of me and Emmett to the right look at each other and smile before smushing me in between them. We all laugh.

After warm ups the guys leave us and go to their seats and I go to get myself another beer. I am starting to go from buzzed to a little more drunk. I stumble back down the stairs to our seats and sit down. "You should slow down," AnnMarie says, concerned.

"Dr. Murray broke up with me," I whine, "like all the other men in my life."

"Drinking yourself into a drunken stupor is not going to help."

"Do you realize that I have fucked enough guys in this arena to have a hockey team. Six. Six guys. Six guys who are just here tonight. I even have a goalie." I laugh so hard that I almost fall out of my chair. "Oh look, my goalie is playing tonight," I say as I point to the scoreboard where they start announcing the starting lineup for the Penguins.

The game doesn't start off very well. The Stars give up 3 quick goals, 2 of them scored by Sidney Crosby. It was looking like they were going to lose until Tyler, Valeri, and Jamie all score goals in the third period to get the game tied up and we head into overtime. With only seconds to go before heading to a shootout Tyler scores a goal on a slapshot that probably broke through the back of the net. The place goes crazy. Everyone is high fiving each other and cheering as loud as they can. Stars win. If this is any indication of how the playoffs will go I am going to need more beer.

I have been going through my normal routine for the past 3 days. Wake up at the same time. Make breakfast. Go to the gym. Come home. Lather, rinse repeat. It's not like I am living though. I feel like I am on autopilot. I am in a fog. I know that I went a month without seeing Dr. Murray but that was on my own terms. This is different. He completely dropped me, wants nothing to do with me. I am still not over the fact that he left me a voicemail. I can't tell if it was because he didn't care enough to tell me in person or that he cares too much. Either way I have been just in a fog. The only time I feel any kind of normalcy is when I am at the gym. All of my worries and pain go away and I can be me again. It's weird. It's like I am someone else. I wish I could be that person all of the time.

After the gym I have been going to Starbucks to get myself a green tea and sit around and people watch. People watching is such a dangerous thing for me because anything can set me off but I enjoy the thrill. I am testing myself to make sure I know I still have it in me to control myself when I really put my mind to it. I have to prove to myself that I can still come out on top of this. I start to wonder if I could write a book about the people I observe at Starbucks. Would that actually make money? You would think in society now when everyone wants to know what the other is doing and everyone wants other to know what they are doing that it probably would do well. Not like I have the patience to sit around and try to write a book but these are the kind of mind numbing thoughts I have while sitting around trying to keep myself above water.

Today I was feeling adventurous and ordered a slice of pumpkin bread along with my green tea. It's sad that this little square of moist pumpkin goodness is the highlight of my week. I can hear Phil in my ear telling me I am weak but I don't care. It's so delicious. I sit in my usual spot in the right corner Starbucks in my oversized leather chair. I can see the whole place from this spot. I am looking around on my phone to see what the playoff brackets look like when I see a pair of shoes standing in front of me and hear the sound of someone clearing their throat. I look up to see Jamie standing over me with two coffees in his hand. "Hi," he says with half of a smile.

"Hey," I reply.

"I didn't know you came here," he says.

"It has just been recently."

"Oh."

"Yeah." There is an awkward silence which has been kind of a constant thing with us lately whenever we randomly run into each other. "Good game the other night."

"Thanks." He puts one of the cups down on the table in front of me and nervously rubs his bicep up to his shoulder under his sleeve and looks down at the floor. "We made the playoffs."

I smile and let out a little laugh. "Yeah I know."

He shakes his head at himself and smiles. "Of course you know." He looks out the window into the parking lot then picks up his coffee cup of of the table and places it carefully on top of the other one in his hand. "Well I have to go. Jordie is in the car waiting." Jordie is Jamie's brother.

"Tell him I say hi."

"I will. See you around," he says as he starts walking to the door.

"Bye, Jamie." He opens the door, turns around, and waves to me before leaving.

I want so badly to run after him but I don't. I have quickly come to realize that all that time I was calling Tyler the toxic one when it was actually me. I just bring anyone down I come across. It wouldn't be right to tell Jamie I love him and I miss him when I am still so fucked up. Every time I see him I miss him that much more. He talks to me a little more. He doesn't look like he wants to see me dead in a ditch somewhere. I wouldn't blame him if he did. What I did was inexcusable and I am thankful he is even willing to acknowledge that I am still alive. I watch out the window as he steps into Jordie's car and hands him his coffee. He takes his hat off, holds it one hand, pushes his hair back with the other, and puts his hat back on. Jordie must have said something funny because he starts laughing. Seeing him smile makes me smile. I watch until Jordie pulls out of the spot and drives away and then go back to eating my pumpkin bread and watching people.


	18. I Broke Tyler Seguin

The Dallas Stars start off their first series of the playoffs against the Colorado Avalanche. They start off with the first two games being away in Colorado and wound up losing both of those games. They were each close games, they only lost by a goal in each. The Stars played so well, the Avalanche just happened to come out on top. Tonight is the first home playoff game and we have our tickets. It is a must win for these guys and I just know they have it in them to come back from losing these two games. It's weird to be on the outside looking in. Last time they were in the playoffs I was with Jamie. I was there supporting him at the arena and back at home. He used to call me his lucky charm. Maybe that's why they lost. I just ruin everything.

I worked out early today to make sure I have plenty of time to go to the game. I am anxious to be in that playoff atmosphere once again and have been sitting on my couch doing nothing but staring at the time tick by on the cable box. I had a really good sparring session at the gym today. I actually knocked a few girls down. Phil is so proud of how fast I am progressing. He says I will be in fighting shape very soon physically and mentally. Next week I start seriously fighting to get used to it and I am a little nervous, I'm not going to lie.

There are still a few hours before we leave. I want to text Jamie and Tyler and tell them good luck and that I will be rooting for them but I know that would be a mistake so I don't. I know Jamie and I have been having our little moments here and there but I try not to read anything into them. I don't want to get my hopes up for something that may never happen. We still have to have a major conversation and I don't know when or if he will ever be up for it. Tyler asked me to give him space and I am trying but he has been my go to person so it's weird not texting him a random selfie or joke or just saying hi. I miss my friend.

When AnnMarie gets home from work we both get changed into our game gear and head off to the arena. There are so many festivities for the fans to partake in all around the American Airlines Center. Everyone is laughing and smiling and having such a good time. I watch as families take pictures together. Friends are drinking joking around. Strangers are talking hockey with one another. It's an overall magical atmosphere. AnnMarie and I are talking to one of the security guards, Charles, when we hear "FRIENDS!" being shouted from across the plaza.

We simultaneously turn around to see our friends Jamie and Michelle walking towards us. I wave both of my arms in the air in excitement as I yell a drawn out, "hey!" They make their way over to us through the crowd across the bustling Victory Park. "Welcome home," I say once they make it over to us. They had gone to the two games in Colorado and just got home late last night. I know Jamie because she is Jordie's girlfriend. They have been together for almost a year now. Michelle is her best friend and they are inseparable. They remind me a lot of how close AnnMarie and I are. We used to sit together in the family section before Jamie and I broke up so I haven't seen much of them lately since I have been providing my own tickets to games. It's so awkward going over there since it has gotten around that Jamie and I broke up. We kept it secret for as long as we could but it was obvious since we weren't spending any time together.

"Thanks," Jamie cheerfully says, "I just wish they could have won at least once for us."

"Yeah that would have been nice," I reply.

"You guys should sit with us. Fuck what the rest of them think," Michelle says as she hands Jamie a beer.

"It would just be uncomfortable. I can feel them judging me from my seats just fine. I do miss watching with you guys though."

"We are there if you change your mind," Jamie says, "you know Roger would have no problem letting you down." Roger has been the usher for the players' wives/girlfriends, families, and friends for as long as I can remember. He always gives me a smile when he sees me around. "Jordie won't tell me. What happened between you two anyway?"

The loud chant of "let's go Stars!" starts to fill the plaza. It echoes off of the buildings on either side of us making it painfully loud. We all look around to take it all in. Stars fans of all ages getting excited for the game. It puts a smile on my face. I am proud of my team and its fan base. It hasn't been an easy journey to the playoffs this season but I am happy they are here and that we are here to enjoy it. "It's a long story" I shout over the crowd noise, "I'll have to tell you another time."

"I'm going to hold you to that," Jamie replies as the chanting starts to die down.

"You should sit with us during warmups. You're here early enough anyway. I bet Jordie would love to see you on the glass," I say as we start to walk to the VIP entrance to be let in.

"We can do that," Michelle replies, "that way I can see Nichushkin, that delicious little scrump nugget." We all laugh.

"Little? He's like 6'4," AnnMarie says.

"And I will climb that tree all the way to the top and it will be glorious," Michelle retorts.

We are let into the arena and the 4 of us walk down to our usual seats behind the goal in the first row. Usually it's just me and AnnMarie so I am so excited that Jamie and Michelle are joining us. There is still a half hour before warm ups starts so we spend it catching up on what's been going on. I explain how I've been spending all of my time in the gym getting ready for the summer boxing tournaments. AnnMarie has been busy with work. Jamie has been working on moving from Midland to Dallas so she can be closer to Jordie. Michelle just transferred to a job in Highland Park so now we are all going to be living close to each other. It should make for some amazingly fun times out in the off season.

Warm ups start and we all bang on the glass and cheer as the team skates out and starts taking some shots on goal. I watch as Jamie stick handles a little bit on the center line behind and in and out of some stretching players before dropping down to the ice and stretching himself. My eyes shift to Tyler who is just standing at center ice and staring towards the goal. I've never seen him do this before. He's just standing there staring. He's not looking at me. He's focused on a spot on the ice in front of the net it looks like. A few of the guys go up to him and try to talk to him but he doesn't say anything. He doesn't look happy. He looks out of it. I've never seen him look like this before. It's a little scary.

"What's up with Segs?" Michelle asks, "he looks out of it."

"Is he just standing there?" Jamie asks.

AnnMarie and I exchange looks. "It wasn't me, I swear. I'm giving him his space. I don't know what's going on," I say as we all continue to watch Tyler standing center ice, not moving a muscle.

Tyler doesn't move from center ice the entire time warm ups are going on. The guys just go about their usual routine and skate around him. It's really starting to freak us all out. People around us are starting to talk about it. I wish he would move, heck, I wish he would blink. He is still just staring. Jamie skates over to him at one point and talks to him for a bit. Tyler finally looks at him after about a minute but doesn't say anything. With just two minutes left to go in warm ups he takes a handful of pucks and hits slap shot after slap shot. Each and everyone of them winds up in the back of the net. When he is finished with his pucks he skates off the ice.

"That was fucking weird," Michelle says right before the horn sounds to end warm ups.

Jamie and Michelle start to make their way over to their seats and we go in the opposite direction towards ours. We are not sitting in our usual seats for the playoffs so we walk around the concourse to our section. I can still hear people talking about how weird Tyler was acting during warm ups. I hope that it doesn't affect his game because we really need him to be 100%. I can't even begin to try to figure out what is going on with him. I know sometimes hockey players get into playoff mode but that was not what that was. He looked like he was either about to cry or murder someone or possibly both. I can't help but worry about him. I hope whatever it is he snaps out of it by game time.

Tyler's weird behavior spills over into the game and he winds up having one of the worst games I have ever seen. He was sloppy with the puck, not connecting passes, missing his shots. It was like his body was here but his brain was somewhere else. Everyone on the team seemed to have been put off by it because they didn't play much better and the Stars wind up losing. This means they have to win their next 4 games or they are eliminated from the playoffs. The whole fanbase is in a buzz about what they think is going on with Tyler. Everyone saw what we saw. Something is going on with him. I've never seen him let anything outside of hockey get in the way of his game. He is so determined to help bring this team a Stanley Cup championship so I can't even imagine what has him so distracted.

We had planned to go out to eat after the game but it was such a bad game that we decide to just go home instead. I am starting to feel nervous about what was going on with Tyler today. I hope nothing serious has happened. I really wish we were still friends so I could go and see if he is alright. AnnMarie goes right to bed once we get home since it's already late. I sit in the living room on my laptop and reading Twitter. People are mad at the team for not playing better. I don't blame them. They definitely did not put out their best effort. Everyone noticed that Tyler wasn't himself and are almost blaming him for the loss. I start to get mad at how negative people are being so I close my laptop and start to walk to my room to try to get some sleep.

I change into a tank top and some shorts to sleep in and get into bed. Just as I start to get comfortable my phone goes off from a text. I grab it off of the nightstand to see who it is.

Tyler : can you come outside?

I am frozen for a couple of seconds and actually have to reread the text to make sure I am not reading an old one. It's from right now. This is not an old text. This is now. Does he want to be friends again? What could he possibly want to say that is so important that he is here at my house after a game. Oh no, I hope nothing bad has happened and that's why he was out of it all game. I need to get myself together. I can feel my heart rate going up. I look down at my ratty tank top and shorts. I cannot go out there looking like this. I quickly undress and put my jeans back on and grab a fresh shirt out of the closet and put that on. I check myself in the mirror and I mean I don't look perfect but I look ok.

Amy : be right out

I walk through the house as quietly as I can, making sure to avoid that one board in the floor that always squeaks and I always forget about it. I open the door and notice it has started raining. I slip out the front door and jog over to where Tyler is parked in his Jeep. I open the passenger's side door and get in. He is still wearing his suit which tells me he is coming straight from the arena without going home. He has his right arm still on the steering wheel and is looking straight forward. He doesn't look at me and he doesn't say anything. We have a moment of awkward silence and just as I open my mouth to ask him what is going on he finally speaks. "You're probably not aware of this but I have security cameras in my backyard." It takes me a second but as soon as it clicks my heart sinks.

"Tyler, I can explain..." I start to say.

"I don't care," he interrupts, still staring straight ahead and not looking in my direction.

I continue anyway. "He was already with me when you texted me. Things got out of hand."

"If you want to put it that way, sure, whatever. You could have told me you couldn't do it and I would have asked someone else." He is speaking low but strangely calm. It makes me nervous, like he might snap.

Tears slowly start to roll down my cheeks. I am the reason he was so out of it tonight. It was me. I broke him. I hang my head so low that my chin is almost touching my chest. "I am so sorry." I want to reach out and hug him or put my hand on his shoulder or do something to make this go away. I look back up and look at him. His ears are red and he is still staring straight forward.

"I know that we weren't dating but I thought I meant enough to you to respect me enough not to fuck someone in my own backyard." He finally turns to look at me and his eyes are glossy. I close my eyes to make the tears that were welling up fall. "How could you do this to me?"

"I have a problem. I have an addiction," I say. I feel my heart pounding at what feels like a million beats per minute. He wasn't supposed to find out. I never wanted to hurt him.

"You always hide behind your addiction like that somehow excuses you from taking responsibility for your actions. It doesn't. It was still a shitty thing to do and you know it."

"I didn't ask for this, you know. I was doing fine with Jamie. You came along and fucked everything up. I had my addiction under control. You want to come around and fuck me and expect everything to just be normal. That's not how this works."

"Don't turn this around on me, Amy, this is about you fucking some guy on my property."

"Look who's talking, shower sex, you are not so innocent in this. I know that what I did was wrong but don't act like you're a precious little angel. You had sex with your best friend's girlfriend in his pool house."

"I do feel bad about that. You have no idea. We have come a long way since then. This is different."

"How is it different?"

"That doesn't matter anymore," he says as he looks down, "I can't even look at you."

"It does matter. You can't act like you can do whatever you want and everyone is just supposed to shrug it off but when I make a mistake I am the worst person in the world. That isn't fair."

"I could have given you everything you ever wanted but I just wasn't enough."

"Tyler, I never meant to hurt you. It wasn't supposed to be like this."

Neither of us says anything for what feels like 10 minutes but I am sure in reality it is only 30 seconds. All that could be heard is the rain drops bouncing off of the windshield, roof and hood of the Jeep. "I can't believe I fell in love with you."

"You...what? You fell in love with me?"

"How could you not have known?" he asks bitterly.

"I just didn't know," I mumble. I just thought we were having fun together. I never thought he had any kind of real feelings for me. Not like this. I know he liked me, not love. I feel terrible for not noticing but what could I have done?

"I guess I am just crazy to have thought that somewhere deep down you loved me too."

"I told you I wasn't in a place to be in another relationship. I told you how messed up I am."

"I thought you would change. I thought I could change the way you felt."

"I'm sorry. I do care about you even though it may not look like it." He puts his head down onto the top of the steering wheel. "So what happens now?" He doesn't say anything. "Tyler, where do we go from here?" More silence. "Please say something."

"I can't have you in my life anymore."

"Tyler, please..." I start to say.

"Please get out," he pleads.

"Don't do this. I said I was sorry."

"I said get out, Amy," he says in a raised voice as he lifts his head off of the steering wheel and turns to look at me.

"I'll fuck you. Is that what you want?" I try to reach over at his belt to undo it but he grabs my wrists to stop me. "I'll blow you. Come on, you know I give the best blow jobs." I jerk my hands to the side a few times to try to break from his grip but he holds on tightly.

"No! Stop it!" he yells as he holds my hands up in front of my face, "I want you to leave and I never want to see you again." He let's go of me and turns the car on. I don't move. I can't move. I am numb. "Please leave." He turns away so he can't look at me any more.

I open the door and slowly step out of the Jeep one leg at a time. I barely have the door shut and he speeds off. I drop to the ground on my knees and begin sobbing. The rain falls down my face as I stand up from the ground, my knees now soaked from the rain water, my hair is already soaked. I walk to the door with tears in my eyes which are getting washed out by the rain. I get inside and close the door behind me. I look all around me. I can't be here. I feel like the walls are closing in on me. I need to get out I need to go somewhere. I spot my keys on the hook on the wall and I grab them. I feel a warmth like a fire come over me and run through my veins. I can feel myself rapidly losing control.

I open the door back up and run out to my car. I get in without a clear plan of where exactly it is I want to go. I just know this feeling and what I have to do to ease the pain. I drive around just to drive. Maybe I can calm myself down and I won't have to do something I am going to regret tomorrow. I turn on my jazz playlist but it just makes me want to throw my iPod out the window. I continue to listen but it's not helping. I have images of Tyler standing in the entrance of the shower naked. Tyler kissing my neck. Tyler pressing me up against the cold tiles. Tyler telling me how good it feels to be inside me. The rain falling reminds me of the water in the shower falling down our bodies. I remember the way his touch felt the first time he laid his hands on me. It was like electricity. Not like this fire I am feeling right now. I turn my iPod off and keep driving.

I drive up to a condo community and remember that Jason Demers lives there. I turn in and drive to where his condo is. He has got to still be awake. Without hesitation I get out of my car and walk up to his door. There are still lights on so I know I am not waking him up. I do realize it is the middle of the night but I have to fuck somebody. I ring the doorbell and wait for him to answer. Jason opens the door and looks at me confused. "Oh hi, Amy, is everything ok?" he asks while scratching the back of his head.

"Can I come in?" I ask as I try to step inside. He doesn't move to the side to let me in. He keeps his arm firmly planted in the door frame. I step back.

"It's kinda late don't you think?" he asks as he crosses his arms over his chest. "What's going on?"

"Do you want to have sex?" I bluntly ask. He opens his eyes wide with surprise.

"No, sorry, I don't," he replies, "are you sure you're ok?"

"I never said I was ok." I take a step closer to him so my body is up against his. "You won't regret it, I promise."

He takes a step backwards. "Are you drunk? Do you need me to call someone? Jamie or Tyler maybe?"

"Don't you dare call Jamie," I snap, "Come on, Jason, let me in so I can let you in." I put my hand on his chest and lean in to kiss him but he moves his head and I only get the corner of his mouth. "Please, I need this."

"I can't help you. You need to go home. Come on, I'll walk you to your car." He puts his hand on my back and guides me down the walkway to where my car is parked.

"I'll leave but I'm not going home." I unlock my doors. "You tell Tyler I am going out to get properly fucked."

"I'm not getting involved." Jason opens my door for me and I get in. "Just please be safe," he says before closing the door.

I can't go home, not yet. I know I will just pace around the house if I went home. I need a way to get rid of this tension I am feeling in my body. I know I have to go out and get laid but I just don't know where I am going to go. I need a punching bag at home. Maybe that would help me ease some of my urges. That is not going to help me right now, however. I wish the gym was open 24 hours, I would go there right now. Maybe I should just go to the hotel restaurant, get drunk and call it a night. I turn my car around and make my way to the hotel restaurant where the bartender knows me and will serve me as many drinks as I want.

I park my car in my usual spot outside the restaurant door and get out. The rain has subsided a bit and is now a light mist. I grab my purse off of the passenger seat and step out of my car. I start walking towards the door of the restaurant when I stop in my tracks after seeing a soaked blonde head of hair walking in the distance on the other side of the fence that separates a walking path from the hotel. Instead of walking into the restaurant I start walking in the direction of the blonde head. I follow him trying not to look like I am following him. I don't want to seem like I'm going to sneak up behind him and attack him. It's the middle of the night. What is he even doing out here?

A get a few feet from him when it dawns on me just how creepy this is and I turn around to go back in the other direction and go to the restaurant. I hit my foot on a light that is sticking out of the ground and fall onto the wet, muddy grass. "Just fucking perfect," I yell. I feel a hand grab my arm and help me up. Once I get on my feet I turn around to thank the person. "Thank you." It's the blonde head and now that I am looking at him close up I know exactly who he is, Gabriel Landeskog from the Avalanche.

"Are you ok?" he asks.

"I am now," I reply but immediately burst out laughing at my own cheesiness, "wow that was so corny."

"I thought it was cute." He looks down at my soaking wet pants and laughs. "I'm sorry, it's not funny. I shouldn't be laughing."

"It's ok, I would laugh at me too." I put my hands in my pockets awkwardly and he brushes his hair back with his fingers. The rain water plasters his hair to his head. "So aren't you breaking the rules being out here? Don't you have a curfew?"

He smiles and looks down at the ground. "Oh so you know who I am."

"Yeah. I'm a huge hockey fan. Do you think it's smart for you to be walking out in the rain in the middle of the night?"

"It's sweet of you to think of my well being," he says, "I just can't sleep."

"I was on my way to get blackout drunk then I saw this really hot blonde guy walking around and decided to follow him instead," I flirt. I love the way he is looking at me. He has a smirk on his face and he is looking right into my eyes. "Then I fell down and got all wet."

"Then some loser helped you up and laughed at you," he adds and his smirk turns into a full on smile, "what a jerk."

"I will just have to figure out a way for him to make it up to me," I say as I take a step closer to him.

He runs his hand up and down my arm. He runs tongue over his bottom lip. "He should probably offer to get you out of those wet pants." He steps closer to me so that our bodies are touching. He puts one hand around my waist and the other caresses my cheek removing some of the water that started to accumulate.

"Now they're even wetter," I whisper seductively in his ear.

His hand moves from my cheek to the side of my head and runs his fingers through my hair as he leans down to give me a gentle kiss on the lips. He pulls away slowly but immediately comes back for more, this time with more passion. He forces his tongue past my lips and greets my tongue. He grabs some of my hair in the back of my head and holds onto it while he kisses me down the side of my neck. I hold on tight to his back as he comes back up my neck and gently kisses around my ear. My breathing gets faster and faster as his hands move down to my ass where he pulls me closer into him. I can't help but let out a moan. He puts two fingers over my lips and says, "shh shh shh." I open my mouth and close it over his two fingers and move slowly down to where his fingers meet his hand and slowly back up. "You are so hot," he says.

I put my hand down his shorts and move my fingers in a circle around the bulge that has formed in his boxer briefs. I can feel him getting hard in my hand. He grabs one of my breasts and throws his head back while I cup his balls. "Are we going to do this?" I ask as I begin stroking his hard cock up and down the shaft.

"Right here?" he replies as he looks around. "where is your car?"

"I drive a Mini Cooper. There is no having sex in there."

"Fuck!" he yells, then grabs my free hand. I take the other one out of his shorts, "come on." We walk down the walkway and into the hotel through a back door. He looks around to make sure no one is watching and pulls me down a hallway into a conference room. He closes and locks the door behind us.

The room is dark. Only the light from the moon shines through the blinds. All I can see are the shadows from the trees on the walls. I hop up on the table and Gabe stands in between my legs and kisses me. He grabs the bottom on my shirt and lifts it up and over my head. He kisses my neck down to my chest and I rub the back of his head and run my fingers through his hair. He unhooks my bra and lets it fall to the floor. He takes his shirt off, then his pants, and climbs up onto the table and I lie down. He climbs on top of me and unzips my pants. I pull my pants down and kick them off. He slowly pulls my panties down then pulls his cock out. He lingers, teasing me, before slowly pushing himself inside me. 

This is a new one for me. I can't say I've ever had sex on a conference room table in a hotel before. Desperate times call for desperate measures. I know he couldn't have taken me up to his room and he's technically not allowed to leave the property. I love how forceful he is with each thrust. He leans down and kisses me and I grab my tongue with my lips and move my head back and forth on it as if I were blowing him. I suck on his tongue hard as he thrusts harder into me. I can feel the whole table shaking underneath us. He puts his hands on the table on either side of my head and starts breathing heavier. I rub my hand on his chest and over his shoulders to his back. I grab onto his back as I bite down on his shoulder to keep myself from making a sound. He thrusts a few more times into me before he orgasms.

The rest of the first round of the series was a display of nothing short of a miracle. The Stars were actually able to win the last 4 games and advance to the next round. Even though Tyler said he didn't want me in his life anymore I still went to the games. They are still my team and I still love them even though not all of them love me much at this point. That game 7 was nothing I ever experienced before in my life. They were down 2 goals going into the 3rd period and wound up coming back. There wasn't one person left in their seats by the end of that one. I was high fiving and hugging strangers. The guys gave it their all. I don't even know how they are going to get through 3 more rounds of this. They put so much of themselves on that ice for these past 7 games. In a post game interview Jamie says this only motivates them and gives them more energy for the next round.


	19. Drunk, Swedish Sex

I have been spending most of my time at the gym and getting in fighting shape. Phil has me on a strict diet and some days I really feel like I might cave and eat a whole 30 inch pizza from Serious Pizza. He knows what is best for me, though, so I am not straying from my meal plan. I am really starting to see the muscle I am building and I feel stronger. I have been boxing so much that some of it is starting to become muscle memory. Phil says I have improved so much in the past month. I have been starting to have mock fights with some of the other girls who come to the boxing zone. Some days I get knocked around and some days I come out on top. I will not be satisfied until I am on top every time. Phil says I'm going to be waiting a long time but that's ok, I like to prove people wrong.

I haven't been to a meeting. I don't think they're helping me. Dr. Murray would say it's because I am not willing to make that change yet and I am projecting. He would probably be right. I thought I was ready but then I had that crazy night where I went to Jason Demers' house and then had sex with Gabriel Landeskog in a conference room. I basically tried to rape Tyler, who is doing an amazing job of pretending I don't exist. I haven't had sex since that night at the hotel but I can't say that I've been doing well with it. I am not sleeping. I go for a lot of midnight walks and don't come home until the sun is rising then I go to the gym. If I didn't have AnnMarie I would probably be dead in a ditch somewhere. I have been pretty down on myself about how I let my life get so out of control. Sometimes I just feel so alone.

Tonight starts the Stars home games of round 2 of the Stanley Cup playoffs and the Stars are facing off against the Vancouver Canucks. I have once again been lucky enough to get tickets to games 3 and 4 that are going to be here in Dallas and am looking forward to the game tonight. The Stars have already won the first two games on the road in Vancouver and they have been on fire. I made sure to get tickets in the lower bowl but as far away from the Dallas bench as possible so I don't make anyone feel uncomfortable. This is mostly for myself since the team is in the zone and doubt any of them would actually see me. I heard through the grapevine that Jason Demers told Tyler about me going to his house that night to try to sleep with him so I'm sure Tyler hates me even more now than before. I am not going to let that ruin my good time.

I started off my day by going to the gym as usual. I was working on my speed. My fist speed and my leg speed. I also did a lot more conditioning. We have been working on building more muscle in my arms and abs for the most part but some calf and thigh muscle as well. Sometimes I look in the mirror and don't really recognize myself. I have never been in this kind of shape before. I am lean and cut. Phil actually says I still have a ways to go. I can't even imagine what I am going to look like at the end of the summer.I am still getting used to it. This definitely was not something I imagined when I started training with Phil but I feel amazing so it's all worth it. I still feel that the gym is truly the only place I can get out of my head and be normal. Hockey is a good escape too.

Once I got home from the gym I had a protein packed lunch, did some meditation, and took a nap. I have been trying really hard to get a meditation session in every day. Dr. Murray would be proud. I had set my alarm to go off just before AnnMarie got home from work but wound up only sleeping an hour. I hope I will have enough energy to make it through the game. I'm sure I will. I am ready to go. Just waiting for AnnMarie to get changed and then we will leave for the game. I decided that we won't get there early to watch warm ups and just get there in time for puck drop. Our seats are five rows up from the glass on one of the corners. We scoot down the row to our seats and sit down just in time for player introductions to start.

With about 13 minutes left in the second period Tyler and Yannick Weber collide against the boards and Tyler goes down. I think just about everyone's hearts were in their throats as he crawled away from the boards until the training staff ran out to him. None of us could breathe until he stood up. He was able to leave the game on his own power but didn't return to the bench in the 3rd period. We kept feverishly searching Twitter for any information on him but they weren't giving any out. The Stars wind up winning the game 3-2 which means they just need to win the next one to sweep. It is a bitter sweet victory as we await information on how Tyler is doing.

On the way home I actually have tears in my eyes I am so worried about him. I want to know that he is ok. I know I have to keep my distance. I know he wants me to. I know he wants nothing to do with me but this is an emergency. He could be seriously injured. "You should just text him," AnnMarie says after about 10 minutes of silence other than me sniffling here and there.

"He hates me," I say, dejected. I have probably unlocked and locked my phone 30 times already.

"He doesn't hate you," she replies. We probably have this same conversation about 3 times a day.

"He wants to hate me. Same thing."

"Give me your phone. I'll do it."

"Fine, I'll ask him."

Amy : Don't be mad. Just wanted to know if you're ok.

It takes us about 20 more minutes to get home and still no word from Tyler. I didn't really expect him to answer anyway. I am pretty much a sleep walker at this point so I go right to my room to go to bed. I put my phone down on my night stand while I change into some shorts and a tank top to sleep in. The sound of the phone vibrating startles me and I practically leap across the room to see if it's Tyler responding to me.

Tyler : I would be great if you deleted my number

I frown. That really wasn't the response I was expecting or hoping to get from him. I get he is mad but he should appreciate that I am concerned about him. All I want to know is that he is alright. It was a scary hit and even though he was able to leave on his own power doesn't mean he is not seriously injured.

Amy : You don't have to be rude. Excuse me for caring

I turn my phone off out of frustration. It takes everything in me not to throw it across the room. He makes me crazy. All he had to do was say I'm ok or not. I don't think it is such a horrible thing that I worry about him. I get into bed and pull the blanket over my head and rest my head on my pillow. A single tear rolls down my cheek and soaks into my pillow case. I close my eyes and soon fall asleep.

The Stars are keeping Tyler's injury under lock and key. They won't give any kind of information on how he's doing other than he is questionable to play in game 4 tonight. He didn't practice with the team yesterday but he was out there skating on his own. That is how much I know and not from the Stars informing the media. It has been nerveracking trying to read between the lines to figure out if he is ok or not. It doesn't have to be this stressful. He could have just let me know how he was doing. A little part of me was tempted to text Jamie to ask him but I really don't want both of them hating me. He does that without any more of my help.

Tonight we got to the game a little earlier than we expected to and wind up getting here in time for warm ups. As the players skate out onto the ice I notice Tyler is missing. I search the ice to see him skating around, nothing. I look to see if he started stretching, not there. "What the fuck?" I say out loud to myself. I take my phone out of my pocket and turn it on. I haven't even turned my phone on since Tyler's text the other night. I go right to Twitter so I can see if I can get any information on what is going on. All they say is it's a game time decision. Well he's not out there. He must be scratched. Maybe it's more serious than I thought. My missed texts and calls start to flood through and I notice I have one from Tyler.

Tyler : you didn't care about hurting me and breaking my heart so don't worry about my knee

I lock my phone and angrily shove it back into my pocket and say, "I need a drink." I stand up and walk up the stairs to get myself a beer. I thought he would appreciate my concern. Obviously he doesn't know how to be an adult about things. I know I've made mistakes but at least I can admit them and try to move on from them. He wants to blame everyone else but himself. Before I walk away I decide to order myself another beer. I am going to need both of these tonight.

The Stars have a chance to sweep the series tonight with one more win and they have been playing in such a way that it really does look possible. They are hungry out there. They all have been playing so well as a team. I have no doubt they they will be going to the Stanley Cup finals at this point. It's sad that Tyler isn't here to be apart of it. I know how much he loves his job and helping out his team. I hope that they're just resting him up for the next round and that he isn't seriously hurt. No matter how much he frustrates me sometimes, I still care about him. I just wish he would see how much I care.

It came down to a goal in the last couple of seconds in the game but Jamie scores with about 5 seconds to go to give the Stars the lead and they win the game and sweep the series with the Vancouver Canucks. The Stars are on to the next round of the Stanley Cup playoffs. The whole building erupts once the goal is scored and I wind up hugging just about everyone in our row. I have had a few beers throughout the game and I am feeling pretty buzzed at this point. AnnMarie and I decide to go to the hotel restaurant to get a bite to eat before going home so I can sober up a bit.

Through out the whole ride to the restaurant I could be heard slurring, "don't tell Phil I was drinking." I don't know how AnnMarie puts up with me sometimes. I am a handful.

Once we get inside we sit down at a table near the bar and our waiter comes over to take our orders. I order something with sea bass in it. I think it comes with rice. I really don't even know. Maybe I am more drunk than I thought. I also order a Jack and Coke. "Tell Ronnie it's for Amy, he'll know what it means."

"What does it mean?" AnnMarie asks, sounding less than thrilled.

"Don't worry. I just want one." I'm supposed to be sobering up and now I am onto the whiskey.

She shakes her head. "With you it's never just one."

The waiter doesn't take long to bring me my tall glass of mostly Jack with a splash of Coke. I smile as he puts it down in front of me. I pick up the glass and lift it to Ronnie who is tending bar. He blows me a kiss and I pretend to catch it.

Just as our food is getting dropped off I start to get a series of texts on my phone. One after the other after the other after the other. After we are half way through our meal I finally break down and look to see what all the commotion is about. Just about everyone I know is texting me pictures of Tyler hanging all over a girl then other pictures of this girl hanging all over Jamie and he has his arm around her waist. It looks like they are at Tyler's house with a few guys from the team and staff members. I throw my phone down on the table, stand up, and walk over to the bar. "I'm going to need another one, Ronnie, keep 'em coming." I slowly walk back to the table, a little wobbly, and sit down to eat the rest of my food.

"I'm assuming you're going to stay here for a while," AnnMarie says, sounding disappointed.

I guess I really have become that predictable at this point. "Yup!" I exclaim as I down another glass of my Jack and Coke. "Don't worry about me. I'll be okie dokie."

"I always worry about you," she says as she picks her keys up off of the table and stands up to leave. "Please be careful."

I turn my head to the bar behind me where I hear someone ordering a drink and Ronnie telling them maybe they've had enough. Eddie Lack, the goalie for the Canucks, is sitting there begging for just one more drink. "I think I'll be just fine," I say as I stand up and put my arm around Eddie's shoulders. "He's cool, I vouch for him," I say, then wink at Eddie, "this one's on me." I put a 20 dollar bill down on the bar top.

I sit down on the empty stool next to Eddie and he holds his head up with his hand as he looks me over. "Thanks," he says with a beautiful smile. Ronnie puts Eddie's drink in front of him and my drink in front of me. We clink glasses together and I drink the whole glass in one gulp. "Impressive."

"It goes down smooth after about your 6th or 7th one," I say, slurring. I am beginning to get a bit dizzy but I am feeling good.

Every time he smiles I smile back. His smile is infectious. We just sit and stare at each other before he speaks up. "Du har vackra ogon."

"Either I'm extremely drunk or that wasn't English," I reply.

He puts his hand on mine and rubs his thumb across my hand. "Honey, you are extremely drunk but that wasn't English."

I lean in closer to him. "Are you going to tell me what you said?"

He cups my cheek with his hand and I lean into his touch. "You have the most beautiful eyes."

"Thank you."

Two drinks are placed in front of us and it breaks my concentration. "Another round on the house," Ronnie says with a smile.

"Are you trying to get me drunk?" Eddie asks me as he pulls his hand away from my face and picks up his glass to drink.

"You're already there, my friend," I reply then sip my drink. I am not sure how many of these I should have. The room is starting to spin. "Say something else in Swedish to me."

"Du ar grymt snygg," he says before holding my chin with his hand and gently kissing me. "It means you're gorgeous."

"You are too," I say then burst out laughing. "I've never called a man gorgeous before."

He leans in to kiss me again. I kiss him back and try to slip my tongue in his mouth. He pulls away smiling. "Not so fast," he says, "kom, vi drar."

"You're killing me with the Swedish."

"Let's get out of here," he says as he takes me by the hand and stands up. He stumbles over and I can barely keep his 6'4 frame from falling to the floor. I guess my strength workouts have really paid off.

I'm surprised I didn't fall over as well. I can't even feel my legs at this point. We both take an unbalanced walk out of the restaurant and to the parking lot. "Oh, I didn't drive here," I say, "I'll get us an Uber."

He wraps his arms around me and pulls me right up against him and kisses me. It's sloppy and drunk and if I am being honest not my best performance but I think we are so gone by this point that it doesn't even matter. "I have to have you," he says into my ear as he grabs my ass.

"Soon, baby, soon." I check my phone for the time. "They'll be here in a minute."

The car pulls up and we get in. He holds my hand and leans his head on my shoulder as we ride to AnnMarie's house. The world is spinning but I am trying to keep it together. Every time he touches me I get this crazy feeling throughout my body. It's like a warm rush of energy. I have to struggle to keep my eyes open but I manage. We get dropped off and we walk sloppily up to the house. I try to open the door as slowly as possible but I trip on a lip in the doorway and almost fall over. Both of us start laughing. I put my hand over his mouth to get him quiet. "My friend is sleeping. Shh," I loudly whisper. "My room is this way, come on." I take him by the hand and drag him through the house to my bedroom.

I barely get the door closed before we start ripping each other's clothes off. Literally ripping. I grab both sides of his button down shirt and tear it open. The buttons drop to the ground. I can't get my pants off fast enough. He pulls my shirt up and over my head and begins kissing me. I walk backwards towards my bed but wind up tripping on one of my shoes and I fall backwards, pulling him on top of me. He runs his hands up my body and I run my nails down his back as he kisses my neck. I unbutton and unzip his pants and reach my hand in to run my fingertips over the head of his penis. He bites down on my neck and I let out a moan before catching myself. He puts two fingers over my lips to shush me.

I pull his pants down as far as I can get them and he takes them off completely. I continue to stroke his shaft as he kisses me deeply. He moves his hips with the rhythm of my hand while he rubs my nipples in between his fingers. "Give it to me," I beg as I try to pull him down and into me. He hesitates at first but soon gives in. He thrusts deep inside me and puts his hand over my mouth so I don't let out a sound as I begin to scream. 

Beep beep beep beep beep beep beep. I can hear my alarm going off but I can't move to shut it the hell off. Each beep makes my head pound worse and worse. I struggle to open my eyes but manage to get them open just enough to locate my phone on the floor and shut the alarm off. I feel a body next to me and slowly turn over to see that Eddie Lack is in my bed and not wearing anything but his socks. I don't remember much from last night, only that I drank a lot. I look down at myself to notice I am naked as well. I pick up my pants from the floor and put them on followed by a t-shirt. I put my hands to my face and rub my eyes and then my temples. I throw my blanket over a very exposed Eddie and sit on the foot of the bed with my head in my hands.

"Why is there a naked hockey player in my house?" AnnMarie asks, startling me.

I look up to see her standing in the doorway to my room. I didn't even hear her open the door. Did I even close the door last night? "You scared the shit out of me," I say.

"That doesn't quite answer my question."

"I think we had sex," I say, unsure of exactly what happened last night. I remember drinking at the bar and flirting and Swedish. It kind of gets a little fuzzy for me once we get into the Uber ride home.

"You think? I know you had sex. I could hear you all night."

"I am so sorry. I honestly don't remember. I drank way too much." Eddie begins to stir in the bed behind me. He turns over and wraps the blanket around him, still sleeping. "What am I going to do with him?"

"I'm sure the Canucks are wondering where their goalie is. You should probably bring him back. I have to go to work. I'll see you later."

AnnMarie leaves and I scoot back in the bed and prop myself up with my pillow. Do I shake him awake? He looks so peaceful. I kinda don't want to wake him. Eddie's pants pocket begins buzzing from the vibration of the phone hitting the floor. I gently shake his shoulder until he opens his eyes. He smiles as soon as he sees me and I smile back. "I think your team is looking for you," I say as I hand him his pants.

He takes his phone out of his pocket and starts scrolling through his messages. "I have to get back. Can you take me?"

"Of course."

While Eddie gets dressed I continue putting my clothes on as well. Once we are ready we walk out to my car and I drive him back to the hotel. I pull up to the main entrance and he kisses me on the cheek before opening the door to get out. "Last night was amazing," he says, "thank you."

I guess it's good to know I am still good at something even when I am black out drunk. "I hope I didn't get you into too much trouble."

"Whatever happens, it'll be worth it. Maybe I'll see you next year."

I laugh. "Yeah maybe. Bye Eddie." He smiles and waves and gets out of the car. I watch him walk into the hotel before driving off. I pass the gym and I know I should go work out, especially after a night of drinking but I can't. I need to go back home and sleep off this hang over. That's exactly what I plan to do. I drive back home and walk directly to my bedroom and practically fall right over onto my bed and fall asleep.


	20. My First Fight

For the past few days I have been at the gym preparing for my first official match. It has been a long road to make it to this point but Phil says I am ready. I feel ready. I tried so hard to get a good night's sleep last night but I had so much trouble falling asleep. It's not nerves, I'm not nervous. I am excited. I don't know what's going to happen but I am anxious to get in that ring. I make myself the fight day breakfast that Phil suggested to make. Ok suggested is the wrong word. He said, "you will make this breakfast and you will win." He's very intense but that's what I love most about him.

I wake up at 6:30am and make myself a protein shake. I sit on the floor in my bedroom and meditate to clear my mind. I have been doing very well meditating every day. I would love to say it is helping with my urges but it hasn't been helping all that much. I do have a clearer mind, though, I have just been having a hard time controlling myself. Today is different. Today I have a fight and I am focused. I am so thankful to have boxing in my life to keep me in order. If I didn't have boxing I would probably be out at the clubs every night looking for some guy to have sex with.

At 8am I make myself some breakfast. I have some oatmeal and a piece of toast. I spread a little layer of jam on it after toasting it up. I also grab myself a banana. Phil says always stay hydrated throughout the day. My fight isn't until 8pm so I have so much time to sit around and mentally prepare. I read over the chicken scratch meal plan that Phil laid out for me and make sure I have everything in the house I need for my meals for the rest of the day. It's so quiet in the house and me being alone with my thoughts is never a good thing so I put on some music to keep my mind occupied.

At 11:30am I make myself a chicken breast, a baked potato and a small salad and bring it outside to eat in the back yard on the patio. It's a beautiful day out and I want to enjoy the sun. I don't take the time to just enjoy the outdoors all that much and I really should. Usually when I am outside it's the middle of the night and I am going for one of my walks because I can't sleep. I close my eyes as I tilt my head back and take a deep breath as I let the warmth of the sun hit my face. Why can't I feel this peaceful all of the time? Life would be so much easier.

I have lunch at 1pm that consists of cod, basmati rice, and a little bit of sweet corn. I take my lunch outside to eat just as I did my mid morning meal. I wish I had someone to enjoy this day with today. Sometimes I feel so isolated but I know I've just done it to myself. It's hard to believe I will ever be somewhat normal again. I know it is a matter of working hard to better myself. I have done it before so I know I can do it again. I truly feel that boxing will also help me fight my demons that I have inside.

At 3:30pm I have a mid afternoon snack that consists of cottage cheese, 6 oatcakes, and an apple. As I get closer and closer to fight time I feel more and more excited. I am focused and have tons of energy. It has been hard staying home and keeping myself occupied but I have been able to do it so far. Just a few more hours to go. I think until I have to make my last pre-fight meal I am going to spend the rest of the day outside in the backyard reading a book. I never read. I usually can't keep myself focused for more than a minute or two on one thing as it is. Reading is something that Dr. Murray suggested I try to keep my mind occupied on something else, let my imagination escape to a new world, but I never tried. I bought this book at Target last year and never picked it up. I guess now would be a good time to start it.

At 7pm I have a protein shake, a few squares of dark chocolate, and 6 oatcakes. It doesn't seem like much but I have been preparing my body throughout the day to obtain maximum energy from the food I consumed. I followed Phil's plan through every detail and I trust him to know what is best for my body on a fight day. Once I am finished with my meal I grab my gym bag and head out to my car. AnnMarie is going to meet me there later. The fight starts at 8pm.

I head into the locker room of the boxing zone to get myself ready for the fight as soon as I get to the gym. I keep my head down as I walk so nobody talks to me. I am in the zone. I am focused. I am ready for this. I sit down on the bench and begin changing into my sports bra and shorts. I tie my hair up into a ponytail and throw my things into a locker. A tall blonde walks in and smiles at me as she walks past me and sits on the bench across from me. I am staring at her because she looks familiar but I have no idea where I might know her from. She looks up and I turn away awkwardly. I grab my bag and stand up to leave. "Good luck tonight," she says, "we're fighting."

"Yeah you too," I reply before leaving the locker room.

I walk right over to Phil who is getting everything prepared for the fight. There are people starting to file in to the boxing zone and sitting down on the chairs that have been provided. I had no idea these fights were this popular. Phil hugs me and then puts his hands on top of my shoulders and looks into my eyes with intensity. "You can do this," he says, "I will be right there in your corner but you don't even need me."

I have to do a double take when out of the corner of my eye I see Jamie walk into the room and sit down ring side in a seat that was reserved for him. I glare at him for a moment until it dawns on me where I have seen that girl before. She was the one he was hanging all over at Tyler's house that I got about 20 pictures sent to me of. He's here to watch her. I laugh to myself. He is here to watch her get her ass kicked by me. I turn away as Phil starts to explain what is going to happen and I listen closely. In the back of my mind I wonder if Jamie knows that it's me that is going to be fighting but I quickly block him out of my mind. I can't be distracted.

I hold up my hands for Phil to tape up as my gloves are draped over my shoulders and hanging down. I stick my green mouth guard into my mouth before Phil puts my gloves on my hands. I climb up into the ring and stand in my corner and wait for her to step in as well. My corner is directly across from where Jamie is sitting and I lean against the turnbuckles and look right in his direction. I want him to know I see him. He finally turns to face my direction after talking to someone for a minute or two and we make eye contact. One side of my lips turn up into a smirk and I nod in his direction. He lifts his hand up and gives me a wave but his attention quickly turns to her as she climbs into the ring and stands in her corner.

Phil comes up behind me and starts whispering something into my ear that I don't even really hear at this point. I am so focused on wanting to absolutely destroy this girl that I don't hear or see anything else around me besides the ring and her. We walk to the center of the ring where the referee rattles off the rules and has us touch gloves.

The first round starts and at first she catches me off guard with her quickness. I wasn't expecting her to be that quick. She gets a couple of jabs in but I don't even feel them. I start to get more comfortable out there and land a couple of hooks on the side of her head. She stumbles back and I give her space until she comes back at me again. I am quick on my feet as she throws a jab at me and I bob out of the way and land a couple of shots in on her body. I hit her with an uppercut but it doesn't knock her down and that frustrates me. The next thing I know the round is over and we retreat to our corners.

Phil squirts water in my mouth and rubs my shoulders, biceps, and forearms to keep me loose. "You got her out there. You're faster and stronger. All you have to do is land that one punch and she will drop," Phil says into my ear. He grabs me on both sides of my face and puts his face right in mine. "Stay focused. You will win."

It's time for the second round and I come at her faster than before. I was playing defense and now I want to play some offense and get some more punches in. I want this bitch to hurt. I get a few really clean jabs in on her head and body before blocking a few of her attempts. I can see I'm starting to get into her head as nothing she does phases me. I dance around a bit trying to jab here and there but I don't land anything. She gets a few body shots in and I retaliate with a hook then a cross to her head and land both of them. She almost goes down but holds herself up. I don't let her stand up long when I hit her with a few jabs and she stumbles back down. Round over.

Phil squirts some water into my mouth and I swish it around and spit it back out into a bucket. "If you're going to knock her head off then knock her head off," Phil says, "stop pussy footing around and just knock the bitch out. I can tell you want to. You have the potential. Just fucking do it."

Round 3 starts and I have it in my head that I am just going to come at her and knock her the fuck out. I come at her fast and hard but she ducks out of the way and gets a good couple of hits in on my head. I drop down to my knee. The ref starts counting. I'm a little disoriented but I shake it off. I look to my left to see Jamie looking worried. I stand myself back up and pound my gloves together. I get a few body shots in and a few jabs in before I see an opening after she misses a right hook. I connect with an uppercut and she goes down. I stand over her and know that she won't be getting back up. She is not knocked out cold but I can tell she probably wouldn't be able to tell you her own name if you asked her at this point. I take a few steps back and wait for the referee to declare me the winner. The bell sounds and the the referee grabs my wrist and holds my arm up.

Phil jumps into the ring and squeezes me into a giant bear hug, "You did it!" he exclaims, "that was flawless. I am so proud of you."

"Thanks Phil," I say as I look back at Jamie's seat expecting him to be worried about that whore I dropped down onto the mat but instead he is looking at me. I turn away and give Phil one more hug. "My face hurts."

"She got you good," he says as he inspects my throbbing cheek. "You'll be fine. It's going to swell up but you'll be fine. Go get yourself a shower and a good meal. You deserve it."

I grab my bag from the side of the ring and walk through a crowd of people who congratulate me to get to the locker room. I step into the shower and let the water run down my face and the rest of my body. The warmness of the water soothes the open cut on my cheek and I stand there and just let the water run for a minute or so. I close my eyes and begin to see images of Jamie in my head. I swear he still loves me. He looks at me the same way he used to. Why is he with her if he still loves me?

I step out of the shower and dry myself off. I get dressed and pack up my bag and sling it over my shoulder and leave the locker room. I walk over to AnnMarie who is talking to Phil. "And this amazing slugger," Phil says as he puts his arm around me.

"You were talking about me?" I ask, "all good things I hope."

"Of course," AnnMarie replies.

"It was nice meeting you," Phil says to AnnMarie and shakes her hand. "See you tomorrow, Amy." He picks his things up and leaves.

"Did you see Jamie?" I say as soon as Phil walks away.

"Oh yeah I did. He would not keep his eyes off of you."

"Yeah that's because I was kicking his girlfriend's ass," I say bitterly.

"She was the one in the pictures? Oh now this all makes sense. You looked like you wanted to murder her."

 

"I felt like I wanted to murder her."

"You coming home right away?" she asks as we begin to walk outside.

"I think I am going to go to the restaurant at the hotel. Post fight meal and all." I am lying and she knows it. I do love the food at the restaurant but we both know that's not why I am going there.

"Right," she says, nodding, "Just get home safe."

"I will."

AnnMarie gets into her car and I get into mine. I drive down the road to the hotel restaurant and take a seat at my usual table near the bar. I don't plan on drinking tonight but I just always sit here. I like my table. I can talk to Ronnie from my table when he's not busy. I order myself the salmon and brown rice. I hope it's good. I've never gotten anything here like that before I usually just get a sandwich or a salad. It's pretty quiet in the restaurant tonight. Not too many people in here. That's the usual during the week, though. I like it better when it's not busy. I like to think of it as my little secret that nobody knows about.

I start to see some Blues players walk in and sit down in the back. I've almost forgotten that tomorrow the 3rd round of the playoffs start and the Stars will be facing off against the St Louis Blues. I watch as they all walk into the room and take their seats. My concentration is broken when the waiter places my food down in front of me. I feel like I haven't eaten in weeks. I stick my fork into my salmon to take a piece and it's like butter in my mouth.

After I finish my meal and pay I sit at the bar to talk to Ronnie for a bit before I go home. Ronnie is about 45 years old if I were to guess. He has dark brown, short, hair and blue eyes. He wears glasses that make him look distinguished which off sets his arms full of tattoos and his lip piercing. We have become pretty close considering the only time we talk is when I come in to the restaurant. We've never hung out outside of here and we have never exchanged phone numbers. I just know I can always count on coming here and getting free drinks and good conversation. "You had your fight today, right?" he asks as he pours a drink for someone, "sorry I missed it."

"Did my face give it away?" I reply jokingly with a smile.

He chuckles. "It doesn't look that bad, besides, I do listen when you tell me things. I take it you won?"

"I dominated."

"That's my girl," he says as he holds his hand up for a high five and I slap it.

Ronnie walks away to talk to a customer on the other side of the bar and I check the time on my phone. It's getting a little late so I decide to go home. I step down off of the bar stool and wave goodbye to Ronnie and he waves back with a smile. Before I leave I notice a few guys who are sitting at the bar keep looking over at me. We make eye contact and one of them smiles at me. They look familiar but they're on the other side of the room so I can't really tell where I might know them from. The darker haired one waves me over so I shrug and walk over to them.

I sit on the bar stool next to the blonde one. The darker haired one is on the other side of him. Once I get up close I know exactly who they are. They're on the Blues. "Lehtera, Jaskin," I say as I look at each of them respectfully. They smile wide, I assume they got a kick out of the fact I know who they are.

"What happened to your beautiful face?" Dmitrij Jaskin asks as he looks around a terrified looking Jori Lehtera.

"Don't you worry about this face," I say as I touch a few tender spots on my face, "you should see the other girl."

"I think you look sexy," Dmitrij says with a wink and a smile.

"Thank you," I say as I rub the back of my head and run my fingers through my hair. Dmitrij looks like he wants to fuck but Jori isn't looking so sure. I'm not sure if they're both looking to hook up but I wouldn't mind taking both of them. I am just in that kind of mood.

"You're welcome," he replies. He hasn't kept his eyes off of mine the whole time. It's not creepy eye contact. It's more like he's in awe of my awesomeness. I don't blame him really.

"You guys want to have sex or what?" I bluntly ask. I don't really want to play games tonight. If they're not into it I will find someone who is. I am still pretty pumped up from my fight.

"Both of us?" Dmitrij asks, a little in shock. Jori just glares at him for even mentioning it.

"If you want to," I say as I slide off of the bar stool. "We can do this now or I'm going to be leaving."

Jori whispers something to Dmitrij and Dmitrij slaps him in the arm as he smiles a big toothy smile. "We want to. Both of us. Yes."

"Ok, you lead the way."

Dmitrij and Jori stand up from their stools and I follow behind them to the elevator as I watch them try to avoid eye contact with their teammates who are still in the restaurant. Nobody is paying attention to them. It is funny to watch. Part of me wants to yell out 'these guys are about to get laid' but that would be mean. We walk to their room and I close the door behind us. "You've done this before," Jori says, not asking, says it as if he knows it as a fact.

"I have," I say, "does that make you nervous?"

"Excited," he replies with a smirk.

I walk over to him and place my hand on the bulge I can see in his pants, squeeze just slightly, and whisper into his ear, "I can tell." I release him from my grip and begin taking my clothes off.

I look down at my bare body that has a few bruises here and there from boxing. They stand out on my pale skin. Dmitrij, who already has his shirt off, walks over to me and touches every bruise softly as he kisses my shoulders from behind. Jori looks on at first but I take him by the hand and pull him close to me and place his hand around my back so I am in between both of them. I grab the bottom of Jori's shirt and pull it up and over his head. Dmitrij's kisses move from my shoulders to my neck as he grabs hold of my hips and pulls my ass up against his erection. His hands slowly reach into my pants and pull them down along with my panties. I put my hand down Jori's pants with one hand and grab him by the back of the head to pull him in to kiss him with the other.

I step out of my pants once they drop to the floor and continue to kiss Jori as I stroke his cock. Dmitrij must have taken his pants off behind me because I feel his bare skin against mine as he presses himself up against me. I reach behind me and stroke his already hard cock as well. He kisses my neck and shoulders as he grabs onto my breasts. Jori begins to rub my clit as he begins to get a bit more comfortable with the situation. I can feel the tenseness start to leave his body. I bend over a bit in front of Dmitrij so he can put it in from behind. I pull Jori's pants down and then his boxers. I open my mouth over the head of his cock and tease him with my tongue. He puts his hand on the back of my head and pushes me further down. He plays with my hair as I lick up and down his shaft. Dmitrij slowly puts the tip of his penis in but then quickly thrusts into me. He grabs a hold of my hips as he begins to the pick up the pace. Dmitrij doesn't last too long and cums rather quickly. Instead of sucking Jori off to finish the job I get on top and ride him until he cums. That doesn't take long either.

I leave the hotel feeling less than great about myself. I probably could have easily just went home and not fed into the addiction. It's like second nature now. I don't even try to fight it. It's just going through the motions. My body tells me I need sex and I go out and get it. I didn't even try to be subtle tonight. It's not fun. It's not a game. It's not enjoyable. It's just sex. I remember a time when I used to enjoy the sex. I didn't enjoy the addiction but at least I enjoyed the sex. Tonight even being with 2 guys I just felt like I was somewhere else. I remember the last time I felt like this. I thought I had hit rock bottom. It's the last time I actually sat down and worked to not give in to the addiction. I had help then. I had Dr. Murray every step of the way. I am going to have to do this on my own this time. I don't know if I can do it. It doesn't feel like I can.

I listen to music as I drive home from the hotel. I still have all of this adrenaline from the fight. I don't want to go home yet. I really have no place else to go. I drive up and down my block a few times before parking in front of the house and getting out. Instead of going inside I just begin to walk. I still feel like my head is cloudy and I am not thinking straight. I wouldn't be able to fall asleep even if I did go inside. There's no use in sitting around the house. I'd just get restless. I walk for about a half of a mile when I feel my phone vibrate in my pocket. It's a little late for anyone to be texting me. I pull my phone out and the notification on my lock screen says it's from Jamie. My heart skips a beat when I see his name.

Jamieboo : how have you been?

Is that all that he has to say to me right now? I can't help but laugh to myself. This is a typical Jamie text. There's so much he could say, so much to say, and that is what he says. He just watched me beat the shit out of that girl and he asks me how I've been. I know I shouldn't reply but it's Jamie. I can't ignore him.

Amy : just living life

Jamieboo : good fight tonight

Amy : thanks

I put my phone in my pocket and continue to walk. Jamie and I never used to be this weird with each other. We actually had some real chemistry. It felt like we were made for each other. Ever since I told him about the addiction and Tyler it's just been one awkward encounter after another. I'm honestly just happy he is talking to me at all. I just don't want to talk too much to him just yet. I have really been holding out for us getting back together and I know it's just not the right time for that. I need to fix me first before I can fix us.

I decide to turn around and come back home. I know my body needs rest after the fight and my other extra curricular activities. I get all the way back home without Jamie sending me another text. I guess that's it for us then. It's so hard not to just tell him I miss him. It was almost easier when he was ignoring me. I feel slightly calmer. Jamie could always get me to stay calm. He didn't even have to try. Just him being there was enough for me. It's almost as if he texting me tonight knowing I was struggling. I know that's a silly thought but I am going with it. It doesn't take me long to get back home and I head straight to my room. I don't even change out of my clothes. I just drop down on my bed and fall asleep.


	21. Getting Worse

Today starts the 3rd round of Stanley Cup playoffs. The Dallas Stars are going to be playing the St. Louis Blues, who have been on fire. It's going to be a tough series. All the experts are predicting it goes to game 7. They have also announced Tyler will be back in the lineup. That's such a relief. I was beginning to get really worried about him and there was no way of finding out what exactly happened. I am happy with just knowing he's able to play again. The Stars are going to need him in the lineup against these Blues. I was able to get us tickets for these games so I am excited to go to the game tonight.

I was going to workout with Phil today but I think it would be best if I just did some light cardio. I am actually sore in a few spots that I guess she got me good in. I was high on adrenaline for a while yesterday and didn't feel a thing. This morning that wore off and I am feeling it a bit more now. It's nothing I can't work through. I just have some bruising. My face is the worst out of everything. She got me with that one punch and it looks like I was the loser. I can't even imagine what she might look like this morning. I look in the mirror to see a purple circle around my eye and reddish purple cheek. It's a little swollen so I walk into the kitchen to get some ice to put on it.

As I sit at the table nursing my eye AnnMarie walks into the room. "I wasn't sure if you were coming home last night," she says. I didn't hear you come in.

"I didn't want to wake you. I went for a walk before coming inside."

"How are you feeling?"

"I have soreness here and there but I'm ok. It probably looks worse than it feels." I take my phone out of my pocket and slide it across the table to where she is sitting. "Jamie texted me last night."

"He did?" she ask as she picks up the phone and reads through the messages. "That was weird."

"I know. I have a feeling he wants to talk but he doesn't, ya know?"

"Makes sense. Hey, at least he's reaching out."

"Yeah. It's a good sign I think."

"If Jamie wants to talk maybe one day Tyler will get over his ego trip and talk to you again."

"Yeah maybe. It would be nice. I'm not holding my breath or anything for it though."

I get up and begin to make us eggs and bacon for breakfast. I need to make a grocery run at some point. I am running out of food in this house. I've been so busy training I haven't really done many chores. I know I need to do laundry at some point. I finish the first omelette and place it on a plate with some bacon and put it down in front of AnnMarie. I start to make mine next.

"So did you, um, get what you were looking for last night?" AnnMarie awkwardly asks. I can only imagine she is asking about sex.

"You don't have to ask about that if you don't want to."

"I mean. I'm starting to recognize that look on your face when you are struggling. I know not many people actually ask about it. I just want you to know I am here for you. I want to understand you."

"That is a very delicate way of saying it. Thank you I appreciate it. You're right. Nobody asks. It's an awkward thing to talk about for some people. You know me, I'm not shy about anything. If you want to know I could tell you."

"Not details of course but if you're in a bad place you can always talk to me. Maybe you don't have to go through with it. If you know what I mean."

I chuckle. "I do know what you mean." I pause. "I didn't know I got a look on my face when I get my urges. That's good to know I guess." I finish up my omelette and take a seat across from her at the table where I was originally sitting. "I did have sex last night to answer your question. It actually didn't help much though."

"It's like a blank look. It's very hard to describe but I recognize it when I see it. It's a very stone faced look. Not what I imagine when I think about someone who wants sex. I don't want to say it's scary, I just know it's not you. If that makes sense."

"Yeah. All other brain functions just sorta shut down. I get into this fog. I can't think about anything else. I almost lose control over my body. It's like I'm another person. That's the best way I can describe it without getting too graphic."

"That sounds awful."

"It's not fun, that's for sure. I've been getting better but there are certain things that set me off and I just haven't controlled it at that point yet. I think boxing is helping."

"Are you going to call Dr. Murray again. I know he was helping you."

"Not until I've gone at least a month without sex. He's not going to take me back unless he knows I am making a real effort to get better. I can't honestly say I am making that effort right now."

She finishes her breakfast and stands up to put the plate in the sink. "I have to get ready for work. I'm glad we had this talk, though."

"Thank you for being interested."

While AnnMarie is out at work I take the time to clean up around the house while I am home. I wash the dishes and tidy up. I get my laundry done while I clean the bathrooms and kitchen. I feel accomplished. I open the fridge to get a drink and remember we hardly have food in the house. I get dressed and head out to Whole Foods to get us some food. I have my shopping list from Phil on my phone so I know what I am allowed to buy and what I'm not allowed to buy. I also have a list from AnnMarie with things she wants so it turns out I will probably need two carts. I'll try to fit it all into one since it's just me here.

Two carts and about 435 dollars later we have food in the house again. It takes me 3 trips to the car to bring all the food in and I loaded up my arms with bags. I unpack all of the groceries and put everything away and I feel good. I got normal people things done today. Sometimes I feel like a bum since I am not working and all I do is go to the gym. It feels good to help out. I am very close to working for Phil at the boxing zone so I'll soon be working. Phil agreed that it would be best if I waited for hockey season to be over so I can be more focused.

Now that I got all the chores done I can go to the gym. I am probably just going to jog for a bit and maybe get on the elliptical as well. I don't want to tire out my body but sitting around the house is not going to help me either. I grab my gym bag off of the floor of my room and walk out to my car. I listen to my jazz playlist on the way to the gym. I pull into my usual parking spot and take a look at myself in the rear view mirror. Could the bruise have possibly gotten worse in the few hours I've been out of the house? It looks terrible.

I walk into the gym and head straight back to where the treadmills are. It's a little later in the day than I usually come here and the treadmill I use is taken so I hop onto an elliptical instead. I do about 35 minutes on the elliptical before getting onto my treadmill and walking for about a half hour. I was going to jog but I went pretty hard on the elliptical so I just need this time to cool down. I am feeling good. I no longer have aches in my body. I am hoping that will stay but I am sure once I settle down I will begin to feel the soreness again. It's nice to get temporary relief.

After I get off the treadmill I go to the locker room to shower. I was going to wait until I got home but I did sweat more than I thought I was going to. I stop at the juice bar to get a smoothie before heading out to my car and back home. On the way home I listen to The Ticket to see if they have any new information on Tyler other than he's playing now. I still would like to know what actually happened. Knowing him he's going to be playing while he's not fully healed up. He wants to be out there so bad that he doesn't use his brain. They're in the middle of playing an interview with Tyler when I turn the radio on. It's actually comforting to hear his voice again.

He keeps saying, "I feel fine." It's not very comforting. I wish I didn't worry about him so much. Maybe I wouldn't have to worry if he actually answered my text messages with real answers instead of snarky remarks.

I get back home and get dressed for the game. AnnMarie should be home soon then we can go. I pull the tickets out of the envelope I have on my desk and put them in my purse before I forget to bring them. I look at Jamie's jersey that is hanging up in my closet. "Just one more round," I say to myself out loud. I definitely wasn't talking to the jersey. I reach out and run my hand down the sleeve.

"You know he's not in it, right?" AnnMarie says and startles me. I jump. "Sorry. Didn't mean to sneak up on you."

I turn around with red cheeks from embarrassment. "It's ok. I was being weird."

"You miss him. That's not weird."

"You ready to go?" I ask to change the subject.

"Yup. Do you need to say goodbye to the jersey?" she jokes, "I can give you privacy."

I laugh. "No, I'm good."

We don't make it to the arena in time to watch warm ups but our seats are right on the glass so we will still get to see our guys up close. Someone I used to mess around with owed me a favor so I cashed it in for these sweet tickets. I thought it was going to be awkward with everything that has gone down with me and Tyler and me and Jamie but this is the playoffs. There's no room to worry about personal stuff in the playoffs. I am just a fan and they are just players. I mean, I can tell myself that's how I feel. The AAC is jumping with electricity from the fans. Everyone is wearing green. It's a crazy sight. It's a crazy feeling. You can feel the energy of every single person in this place.

Jamie and Tyler each score two goals and the Stars win the first game of the series. It got so loud I couldn't hear myself scream. I'm so proud of them and it actually brought tears to my eyes how happy they were to score those goals. They are off to a great start. Everyone played so well. If they can keep this up they will be going to the finals. I think there were separate times in the night where Tyler saw me and Jamie saw me but I can't be certain. It was so crazy and they were so focused on the game. I hope that they did. I want them to know I still support them even after what happened.

When we get home I change into sweatpants and a t-shirt to get comfortable. I am a little exhausted from not sleeping well last night and being busy all day today. I sit on the couch and watch the highlights from the game with a drink of water in my hand. AnnMarie joins me on the couch and hands me her phone. "Look who is worried about you," she says.

Tyler Seguin : is Amy ok? I saw her face.

I roll my eyes and hand her phone back to her. "He can ask me himself if he really wants to know."

"Oh I'm not getting in the middle of this. I'm going to tell him to ask you and that's the last of it." She types away on her phone and almost immediately gets a response back. "He says nevermind."

"He's so annoying sometimes. You know he knows you showed me the text. I don't know why he has to play these games."

"Don't worry about him."

"I'm tired anyway. I am going to go to bed. Goodnight."

I walk into my room and close the door behind me. I get into bed and have half a mind to tell Tyler off. If he wants to talk to me just talk to me. Don't be asking my friends stuff then get all pissy when they don't want to get involved. He's such a child sometimes, I swear. There is no use getting myself all worked up over this, though, I'll wind up getting myself into more trouble than it's worth. I want to tell him I'm ok and thanks for asking. I know how much he hates the thought of me boxing. He drives me crazy even when he isn't speaking to me. That's a bit unfair.

It's 3 minutes 21 seconds left in the 3rd period in game 7 of the third round of the Stanley Cup playoffs between the Dallas Stars and St. Louis Blues. The score is tied 2-2. Jamie Benn and Tyler Seguin have both scored goals for the Stars and their line is out on the ice to try to make something happen. Tyler Seguin, Jamie Benn, and Valeri Nichushkin have already been out on the ice for 2 minutes of non stop play. Their legs are starting to get tired. Their bodies are starting to get tired. They refuse to leave the ice. They know they are the Stars' best chance of getting a game winning goal. Jamie Benn skates up the left wing along with Nichushkin on the left with one defensemen in between them. Jamie passes the puck to Nichushkin and he quickly passes it back to Jamie. Nichushkin skates to the front of the net and Jamie passes it in and Nichushkin tips the puck past the goalie and into the net. The place goes absolutely insane.

As the seconds tick down to end the game every single person in the American Airlines Center are on their feet and cheering on their Stars. Ten, nine, eight, seven, six, five, four, three, two, one! The game is over, the Stars win! The Dallas Stars are going to the Stanley Cup finals to face the New Jersey Devils. I probably hug 30 different people in our section. The players all swarm Kari Lehtonen and jump onto each other with huge smiles on their faces. After celebrating they meet at center ice to shake hands with the St Louis Blues who gave them a run for their money this series. After the Blues skate off the ice the Stars converge together and salute the crowd with their sticks up in the air. I can't hear anything at all and my ears are ringing from how loud the AAC has gotten.

I want to party tonight. I want to party with every single person in this place. Nobody wants to leave. We are all still on a high from the dramatic fashion in which the game ended. I only had a few beers during the game but I want to continue drinking. I convince AnnMarie to go out to the bar with me. I think she is going just to keep an eye on me. I'm not planning on searching for dick but I could see why she might be concerned. We get to the bar and I immediately order myself Jack and Coke. Any time someone with a Stars jersey walks into the bar I order shots for myself and them. After about 5 Jack and Cokes and 6 shots I am too drunk to stand and it's time to leave. AnnMarie helps me out to her car and I sit down in the passenger seat with my phone in hand.

"I should text Tyler," I say, slurring as I struggle to simply swipe across my screen to unlock my phone.

"That's probably not a good idea," AnnMarie says as she tries to take the phone away from me. I pull it away from her.

"No. I need to," I say as I begin typing away.

Amy : Congratduclications

Tyler : seek help for that drinking problem

"Oh shit he replied," I say as I show AnnMarie the phone. She ignores it and continues driving.

Amy : fuck me so hard I spit cum for a week

I giggle uncontrollably at my text. I laugh so hard I drop the phone on the floor and fall over and hit my head on the window. I pick my phone off of the floor.

Tyler : classy

"What a jerk!" I yell as I throw my phone down into my lap.

"You probably said something you shouldn't have," AnnMarie says.

"You're taking his side?" I ask in a raised voice.

"I told you to leave him alone. You're drunk as hell."

I lean my head against the window and stare out for the rest of the ride home. My head is spinning and I can't really see straight. I close my eyes so I don't throw up. The car is silent except for the occasional turn signal clicks. I become more nauseous as time passes and I'm not sure if I am going to make it home before everything I ate at the game decides to come flying out of my mouth. Closing my eyes doesn't help as my head continues to spin so I open them. We are almost home and I unbuckle my seat belt so I can jump out of the car as soon as we park. AnnMarie pulls into our driveway and before she stops the car I open the door and step out. I stumble over into the bushes and projectile vomit everything I have ever eaten in my life it seems like. I'm on my hands and knees puking into our bush. I hear the car door open and close followed by the front door of the house opening and closing. I deserve to be left out here. I lie down with my head on a rock and close my eyes.

I'm awoken with the feeling of hands and then arms under my armpits. I open my eyes to see AnnMarie trying to lift me up off of the ground. I struggle to stand but make it onto my knees. "Just leave me here to die!" I yell out dramatically.

"You're not dying. You're just drunk. Now stand up," AnnMarie says as she pulls me up by my arm. I finally get up onto my feet.

The weight of my body feels as if I weigh 600 pounds. I can barely move. The world is still spinning. "Is Tyler here? I asked him to come over," I slur as we slowly make our way towards the house.

"No. You sent him a bunch of random letters."

"Well is he here?"

She sighs. "No. He's not here."

We get up to the door and walk inside. I fall down onto the couch and pass out.


	22. Trip to New Jersey

After my drunken night of texting and being a bad friend I decide it would be best to spend some time away for a few days. The finals are starting off in New Jersey so I get tickets to the first 2 games and spend some time in New Jersey. I arrive 2 days before the series starts so I can relax for a bit. If I were a smart person I probably would have chosen anywhere else in the world to spend some time away other than the one place I shouldn't be but I never said I was smart. Nobody knows where I am going to be. I just told a few people I was going to be "going away to clear my head." I knew if I told them where I was going they would not approve.

I've started to become more and more out of control. I'm drinking more often. It's not just casual drinking either. It's drink until I can't remember how I got home kind of drinking. It's the kind of drinking where I don't remember if I had sex with some random person at the bar or if that was a dream or a memory from long ago. It doesn't feel real so I can't tell if it is or not. I thought getting away would force me to be different but here I am in a bar on my third Jack and Coke and I don't plan on stopping.

I lean my elbow on the bar top and hold my head in my hand as I look towards the other end of the bar. There are a few guys sitting at the other end of the bar talking and laughing with each other. I watch them for a few minutes before one of them notices me staring. I look down but I know I've been caught. I look back up and see that he's still looking over at me. I smile and he smiles back. I continue to drink my drink and watch the guys at the other end of the bar. The more I look at them the more they start to look familiar. I continue to stare at them as I try to figure out why I should know these guys. Something on the TV catches my eye and I look up at it. There is something about the Devils and the Stanley Cup finals and it clicks. Those guys are on the Devils. Of course I would be staring at hockey players. Nothing ever changes.

Adam Larsson, the one who I have been staring at, waves me over to them. I know I shouldn't go over there. I'm buzzed and it's been 16 days since I've had sex. I stand up, grab my drink from the bar, and walk over to where Adam and the other guys are. "Hi," I say as I sit at the bar stool next to him.

"Hi," he replies.

"I'm Amy," I say as I lift my glass to him.

"Adam." He clinks his beer bottle against my glass. "You were staring at me."

"You were staring back."

He bashfully smiles. "I was."

"You called me over here. Why?" I ask after finishing what was left in my glass.

"You looked lonely," he replies.

"I should warn you that I don't have the best track record when it comes to alcohol and hockey players."

"Oh good."

"Good? Wow, someone is a naughty boy."

He smiles and sits back. "I think we are looking for the same thing."

"I'm staying in a hotel nearby," I say as I put my hand on his. I lean in and kiss him and slowly pull away just as he begins to kiss me back.

"Let's go," he says as he takes a step off his bar stool.

"Are you serious right now?" I ask, a little surprised he is being so bold. He doesn't strike me as the kind of guy that would just go for it.

"Yeah. Come on," he says as he takes my hand and begins to walk away. I almost fall off of the stool trying to catch up. "I'll drive."

I tell Adam the hotel I am staying at and he drives us there. The ride there is quiet. It's not an awkward silence, just silence. I tap my hand on my knee as the anticipation starts to get to me on the way to the hotel. Adam parks once we get to the hotel and follows me in as we walk through the lobby and to the elevators. While we are on the elevator I look up at him and run my fingers through his hair. I just had to touch him. He puts his hand on my waist and leans in for a kiss. We are interrupted by the opening of the elevator doors once we hit my floor. We step out of the elevator and walk to my room. I get the key out of my wallet and open the door and we walk inside. I put the do not disturb sign on the doorknob and close the door behind me.

Adam puts his hands on my waist as he kisses me once more. His hands slowly roam to my ass where he puts his hands in the back pockets of my jeans. I place my hands on his chest as he starts to kiss my neck. I hold onto his shirt as I start walking us towards the bed and lie down. He plops down next to me on the bed and continues to kiss me. He grabs onto my ass and pulls me close to him and then runs his hands up my shirt to touch the skin on my back. He undoes my bra and smiles a cheeky smile. I grab the bottom of his shirt and lift it up and over his head. He puts his arms around me and pulls me on top of him as we continue to kiss.

I begin to grind on him once we start kissing more passionately. I pause to take my shirt off and go right back to kissing him as I run my fingers through his hair. I start to nibble on his ear and move down to his neck and I swear he mumbles something in Swedish but I'm not too sure. His breathing starts to get heavier in my ear as his hands explore my body. I continue to kiss his neck as I can tell he really likes it. He begins to buck his hips up and into me and I stick my hand down his pants to stroke his already hard cock. He tugs on my hair with a fistful of it as I nibble on his ear lobe. I work on getting his pants off first and then take mine off. I climb back on top of him and he wastes no time as he quickly grabs me by the ass and pulls me on top of him. 

After we finish up Adam starts to get dressed and I clean myself off in the bathroom before putting my clothes back on. Sometimes it's awkward, even for a girl, to tell someone that it was just sex and it's time to go. He gets it and I am relieved I don't have to have that conversation with him. I could probably go another time if he was up for it but the finals start tomorrow and he has to go. I walk him to the door on his way out. "Goodnight," I say as I stand in the doorway, "good luck tomorrow."

"Goodnight," he says before pulling me out into the hallway and kissing me. He licks his lips and smirks before turning away and leaving.

I turn to go back into my room when I see Tyler standing a few doors down staring at me with his mouth open. "Amy?" he asks as he starts to make his way towards me.

"Shit shit shit," I mutter to myself as I try to get back inside my room and close the door.

He grabs onto the doorknob and he have a bit of tug of war with the door before he finally is able to yank it open. I stumble backwards and he walks into the room in a huff and lets the door close behind him. "What the hell are you doing here?" he asks.

"I came to watch you play," I reply as innocently as I can, still taking a few steps back as he continues to walk towards me.

"You're wasted," he says as he throws his hands up in the air.

"I'm not that drunk," I say as I take a seat on the bed. He stands over me. "What do you care anyway?"

"Why is it that everywhere I turn you're right there fucking some other guy right under my nose?"

"I didn't know you guys were staying here, honestly, I wouldn't have stayed here if I knew."

"Whatever. That isn't even the point," he says as he crosses his arms over his chest.

I roll my eyes. I really don't want to deal with him tonight. "Maybe you should go, Tyler."

"You make it impossible to care about you," he says angrily.

"I never asked you to," I reply coldly.

He stands in front of me for a minute in silence. I look off to the side. I can't stand the disapproving look on his face right now. He shakes his head, I don't know if it's at me or at himself, but he turns around and leaves the room without saying another word. I rest my elbows on my thighs and bury my face into my hands and take a few deep breaths. Why do I continue to hurt everyone I love?

Game one of the Stanley Cup finals between the Dallas Stars and the New Jersey Devils is a nail biter. The game was tied at 3-3 for 3 regulation periods and 2 overtime periods. Both teams were evenly matched with not one dominating over the other. It was a hard fought game until 5 minutes left in the 2nd overtime period when Cody Eakin scores the game winning goal on a deflection of a slapshot from the point by Jordie Benn.

Game two of the Stanley Cup finals between the Dallas Stars and the New Jersey Devils ends in regulation. The Stars out shoot, out skate, and flat out out play the Devils and win the game 4-1. Tyler had 2 goals, Jamie had 3 assists and a goal, and Trevor Daley had a goal. The series moves to Dallas.

Once I get back to Dallas I drop my suitcase off at the house and pick up my gym bag so I can go to the gym. I haven't been to the gym in a week and I am feeling lethargic, jittery, and just plain out of it. I need to hit something...hard. I am tired from not getting much sleep but I am sure once I get going I will be able to get in a 3 hour workout today. I walk into the gym and into the locker room to change. After putting on my sleeveless under armour shirt and shorts I tie my hair up into a ponytail and head out to walk over to the the treadmills to warm up with some cardio. As I walk past the weight room I spot Tyler and Jamie working out with their trainer. I immediately turn around to leave. "Fuck this," I say to myself out loud.

If I had my car keys on me I would walk out of the gym dressed like this and just go home. I don't have the energy to face Tyler right now. I hear footsteps behind me and start to walk faster. "Amy, stop," Jamie says. I stop in my tracks at the sound of his voice and turn around. "Are you ok?" His hair is slicked back and he is wearing a black t-shirt with black shorts. Beads of sweat cover his face. He wipes his forehead with the back of his hand as he waits for me to answer.

I look down at the ground trying to hide my face. I begin to feel all these emotions about to erupt out of me. I start to have trouble breathing as tears start to uncontrollably fall from my eyes. I put my hands over my face in shame. I don't want him to see me like this. I don't even know what has come over me. All I know is that I can't stop. He puts his arms around me and pulls my head onto his chest. I pull away from him and wipe my eyes. "I have to go," I say. I run to the locker room, grab my bag, run out of the gym and to my car. I get into my car, sit down, and pound my fists on my steering wheel over and over again as I scream. "What the fuck is wrong with me?" I cry out as I sob.

I start the car and wind up driving down the road to the hotel restaurant where I know Ronnie will hook me up with some drinks. I change out of my workout clothes in my car, not caring if anyone might see me, and into my jeans and t-shirt. I walk through the parking lot and into the restaurant and right up to the bar. "My usual, Ronnie," I say as I plant myself onto a bar stool. He's a little hesitant as it's only 2pm but I throw a few 20's down and he begins to make my drink.

I sit on my stool drinking glass after glass of Jack and Coke. I don't look at anyone. I don't talk to anyone. I sit on my stool and stare at a spot on the bar top and drink and drink and drink. After 2 hours of almost non stop drinking I finally look up at Ronnie who is looking at me very concerned. I am having trouble keeping my head up. "Ronnie, did you know that I am a sex addict? It's true," I say as I swish my empty glass around, making the ice cubes fall out and onto the bar. "I've had so much sex in this place," I say with a raised voice, a few people look in my direction.

"Ok, that's enough for you. I'm going to call you a cab," Ronnie says as he takes my empty glass out of my hand.

"I drove here," I say as I stand up and almost fall over, I hold onto the top of the stool for leverage as I get back up on my feet.

"Well you're not driving home," Ronnie replies as he gets on the phone. "Give me your keys. I don't know if I trust you." He holds his hand out. I take my keys out of my pocket and drop them in his hand. "I'll wait with you outside if you want."

"I got this, Ronnie," I say as I start to make my way through the restaurant and out the door.

I stand outside and wait for the cab to pick me up. The longer I am outside, the worse I begin to feel. It's almost impossible to keep my eyes open and I am dizzy. The cab pulls up and I get in. I hand the driver my license as I can't really form words at this point. He pulls up to the house and helps me out of the car and up to my door. I reach into my pocket and give him whatever cash is in there. I don't know how much I gave him, I'm just sure it's a lot more than I owe. I walk inside and AnnMarie is sitting on the couch in the living room watching TV.

"I didn't know you were back home," she says.

"I went to the gym," I say, barely getting the actual words out of my mouth. I lean my head on the door frame to keep it up.

"You're drunk...again. I thought that time away was supposed to help."

"I hurt them so much," I mumble. I can't open my eyes. I am surprised I can stand. I can't even feel my legs.

"I don't even know what you're saying."

"It's like you don't feel like you deserve their love, Amy," I say in my best Dr. Murray impression as I begin to sit down on the floor.

"You seriously need to get yourself some help," AnnMarie says sternly.

"Nobody even wants to help me," I yell.

"You need to want to help yourself first," she says calmly even though I am getting more and more irritated. "You keep pushing everyone that loves you and cares about you away."

"Oh, did Tyler tell you to say that?" I snap back.

"You should go to bed before you say something you can't take back."

"Fine."

I grab onto the door frame for leverage to help me stand up. I struggle to stand up straight and stumble into my room. I fall down onto my bed head first. Only my head down to the bottom of my chest lands on the bed as I almost miss it completely. I pull the rest of my body up and shove my face into my pillow and pass out.

I wake up to my head pounding and feeling like I am going to throw up all over my bed. I grab my phone to check what time it is. 9:43 am, I slept through my alarm. I run to the bathroom to vomit but nothing comes out. I dry heave a couple of times. I stand up and look at myself in the mirror, my face is blotchy red. "I doubt you have anything left to throw up," AnnMarie says from behind me.

"Oh. I don't remember throwing up last night," I say as I rub my temples.

"I didn't think you would. You were really drunk."

"Sorry."

A text message comes through on my phone.

Jamieboo : I left you and AnnMarie tickets for tonight's game

Amy : that's so sweet of you, thanks.

"Jamie is leaving us tickets for tonight's game but I don't think I am going to go. You go and have a good time," I say as I stuff my phone back in my pocket.

"Well that's really nice of him."

"Yeah. Not really sure why but might as well enjoy them. I'm going to stay home and hope my head doesn't explode."

Game three of the Stanley Cup finals between the New Jersey Devils and the Dallas Stars is another close one. The game ends in regulation. It was a close game the whole 60 minutes. The Devils opened up the first period with getting a goal within the first 5 minutes and hold the lead until late in the second period when Shawn Horcoff scores for the Stars. With 9 minutes, 23 seconds in the 3rd period Jason Spezza scores what turns out to be the game winning goal. The Stars have the potential to sweep the Devils in game 4.

Jamieboo : I'm leaving you tickets again

Amy : Thank you, I'll be there

I walk through the house to the kitchen where AnnMarie is having breakfast. "Jamie is leaving us tickets again. He's feeling generous lately."

"Are you coming this time?" she asks.

"They're going to sweep tonight so yes."


	23. Stanley Cup Champions

My friendship with AnnMarie has been strained the last month as I have started to drink more heavily and more often. I am aware of what it is doing to us, to her. I feel bad, I do, although I avoid talking about it every chance it comes up. I want to apologize. I want to be a better person, a better friend. Sometimes she is sitting on the couch watching TV and I stand in the doorway to the living room for 10 minutes thinking I am going to start the conversation but I just walk away without saying a word. It's never been easy for me to admit that I have done wrong. Each day that passes by I look into the mirror and recognize the person staring back at me less and less. I can almost feel that she'd rather not have me go to the game with her.

I told myself that if the Stars made the finals I would wear the jersey Jamie gave me. I stand in my closet in my skin tight jeans, hooker boots, and my bra staring at this jersey. I don't even think I look good in these things. They're huge and bulky. I put a t-shirt on before putting the jersey on over it. I look at myself in the mirror and scowl. I remind myself I am doing this for Jamie, for the team. He always used to say I was his lucky charm. Hopefully I can bring them some luck tonight and they can sweep. I want to take a selfie in the jersey and send it to him but I don't think I should. I don't want to get too familiar with texting back and forth. I'm not ready.

I grab my purse from my bed and walk out to meet AnnMarie in the living room. She takes one look at the sour look on my face and laughs. "You look thrilled," she says as she stands up.

"I look stupid. I'm doing this for him."

"I'm sure he'll appreciate it. Did you tell him?"

"No. I didn't want to text him."

"Do you think you could get through tonight without drinking? I don't even want to be around you if you are going to get drunk."

"Yeah. I can do that," I say as I look down at the floor, embarrassed that she even has to ask.

"You look good in the jersey, by the way," she says as we start to walk outside to the car.

I smile. "Thanks."

"You should send him a picture. I think he would love it."

"I can't. I don't want him to think things are ok." I sigh. "I'm trying to protect him." We get into the car.

"You know, you could try to protect the rest of us too. He's not the only one you're hurting."

I hang my head. "I know. I'm sorry."

"Let's just go."

The drive to the AAC is quiet. I know at some point we are going to have a real conversation about what has been going on. She has been the one person to be there for me through all of this and I haven't been acting the way a best friend should be acting. I just haven't been able to find the words to say yet. I hate that I am a burden on everyone I care about and yet I do nothing to change it. I feel like a piece of shit...probably because I am a piece of shit. I don't deserve to have people in my life who love me because all I do is treat them like dirt.

We go to the box office to get our tickets and guest badge and walk over to the VIP entrance. This is all too familiar. It feels like we are dating again. I wish I could pretend just for tonight that we are still together and that none of this ever happened. We get to our seats just as warm ups are wrapping up. Jamie has his serious face on. He is in the zone. I can tell he is focused. Tyler skates past him and says something and Jamie smirks. I smile at his smile. Before he leaves the ice he looks over at me and gives me a head nod. At least he knows I'm wearing his jersey.

Game 4 of the Stanley Cup finals between the New Jersey Devils and the Dallas Stars begins and the AAC is filled with "let's go Stars" chants as soon as the puck drops. There is a buzz throughout the arena, like everyone knows something magical is going to happen tonight. I was good with keeping my promise to AnnMarie about not drinking until Jamie scores a goal. Everyone around me starts handing me cups of beer and I am so high from the excitement of his goal that I take them without thinking and start pounding them down.

"I'm going to go sit with Jamie and Michelle," AnnMarie says, "you can find your own way home."

"But Jamie scored!" I yell out, already buzzed from drinking I don't even know how many beers in a 5 minute period of time.

This group of guys who are in the row in front of me keeps buying me beer because Jamie scored and I am wearing his jersey. They are already drunk and I am quickly catching up to them. During second intermission we start talking about how this sweep is destiny. It's going to happen because all of us are here together. "You should come out to the bar with us after the game," one of them says, "celebrate our win!"

"I might as well. I pissed off my friend so I would have been walking home anyway."

"We couldn't let a hot chick like you walk home alone," another one of them says, "we'll show you a good time."

"I'm going to hold you to that," I say as I tap my finger on his chest.

Just seconds into the 3rd period the Devils tie up the game but that doesn't quiet down this crowd. It only makes us cheer louder for our team. Jamie scores another goal on a beautiful pass from Tyler to bring the Stars back into the lead. The AAC goes absolutely crazy. This is it! They're really going to do it! My new friends bring me my last beer of the game as the clock starts winding down to when they stop serving alcohol. We smash our glasses together and almost drop beer all over the floor but I recover mine and chug the whole thing.

The arena gets louder and louder as time continues to tick down. Both teams are fighting hard, the Devils to tie the game up and the Stars to hold on to the lead. By the time there is 5 minutes left in the game I am standing with my new friends in their row. We all have our arms around each other's backs anticipating the end of the game and the Stars winning the Stanley Cup. My heart is beating out of my chest. The minutes turn into seconds ticking down and Tyler skates around with the puck until the clock hits 0. The Dallas Stars win and are the Stanley Cup Champions. My new friends and I hug each other and I begin to cry as I watch my team, my boys, with huge smiles on their faces pile onto each other on the ice.

"The final score is 2-1 and the Stars are your Stanley Cup Champions"

They shake hands with the Devils before going to center ice and saluting the fans with their sticks in the air. The guys start hugging each other and gathering in a group in front of the red carpet that has been rolled out. I wipe the tears from my eyes. It makes me happy that they are able to enjoy this. They have worked so hard and are finally Stanley Cup Champions.

Jamie is named the MVP of the Stanley Cup and is rewarded with the Conn Smythe trophy. I am so proud of him.

"Ladies and gentlemen, The Stanley Cup."

They begin their walk along the red carpet from the zamboni doors to center ice to where the table is waiting for them to put it down. It's the longest walk that has ever been walked but they finally make it and gently place the cup down. I can't even hear the speech that is being said right now because the place is so loud. I watch as Jamie skates to the table, lifts the cup up and over his head and smiles the biggest smile I have ever seen on a human being. I yell so loud that my throat starts to hurt but I don't care. "I love him!" I yell out to my new friends.

"We know!" they yell back. But they don't know. Not really.

Jamie skates around the ice with the Stanley Cup over his head proudly showing it off to all of their fans. I am sobbing at this point from being so happy for him. This is what he works so hard for. This moment. He deserves it more than anyone I know. He lowers the cup down to his face and gives it a kiss before skating over to the rest of the team. He hands the cup over to Tyler and skates over to Jordie and gives him a big hug. It warms my heart to see them so happy.

After we watch the guys enjoy their Stanley Cup win I follow my new friends out of the AAC and wait for our ride to show up to take us to the bar. I am pretty drunk but not drunk enough that I will make poor decisions. I just have to pace myself for the rest of the night and I will be fine.

"Rocko, shots!" one of the guys yells as soon as we walk in the doors of the bar.

I follow my friends to the bar where a row of shots are already waiting for us by the time we get there. 'Impressive," I say as I pick up the glass in front of me.

"That's my brother," he says as he points to Rocko, the bartender.

The bar starts to fill up as more and more fans start to arrive from the game. The rounds of shots become more and more frequent. I am now past the point of no return. Pacing myself is out the window. I feel good, though. My new friends and I sit at the bar and tell Rocko all about the game and how we met. The doors open and I turn to look at who is walking in. If it's another Stars fan we have to buy more shots. The place erupts with cheers as they make their way in. "Holy shit, dude," one of the guys says to his friend.

"Is that fucking Tyler Seguin and Jamie Benn?" the other guy asks as they continue to stare.

I hop off of the bar stool and walk over to them yelling, "my boyfriends!"

"Oh shit, Amy, heeeey," Tyler says as he hugs me. He smells of alcohol. I can tell he's drunk because he is actually happy to see me.

I hug Tyler back. Tyler walks over to the bar to get some drinks and Jamie is looking at me with a smirk on his face. "You're wearing my jersey," he says as he walks closer towards me, never breaking eye contact. "You look so hot." He wraps his arms around me and starts putting his hands up the jersey and running them all over my back. It feels so good to have him touching me again.

"Don't forget about me," Tyler says as he holds out a glass of beer for Jamie to take. He stands behind me so I am in between both of them. Jamie takes a sip from his beer and Tyler starts kissing my cheek. 

"You guys were amazing out there," I say as I pull Jamie right up against me. He starts kissing the other side of my face.

"I've missed you so much," Jamie says into my ear then bites down on it. I put my hands on his chest and lean into his kisses as he continues to kiss my ear and neck.

"I would kill myself in the morning if I didn't buy Tyler Seguin and Jamie Benn shots after winning the fucking Stanley Cup," one of my new friends says as he stumbles over to us. "You up for it?"

"Yeah, man, totally," Tyler says while he puts his arm around me.

"Rocko! Shots!" my friend yells and Rocko walks over to us with a tray of shots.

We each grab a shot glass from the tray and pour them into our mouths.

"This girl fucking loves you," my new friend says to Jamie.

Jamie giggles while saying, "I know. I love her too."

"I love her too," Tyler says, then slaps my ass.

"I got this round. Rocko! shots! Did I do that right?" I say.

"That was perfect, honey," my new friend says as he waves the rest of his crew over for another round.

"I still can't believe that I am drinking with fucking Tyler Seguin and Jamie Benn," one of the guys says as Rocko shows up with our shots.

I hand Rocko a fist full of crumpled up money then take my glass off of the tray. "To the fucking Stanley Cup!" one of them yells as he raises his glass. We all clink our glasses together before pouring the shots down our throats.

I lean back against Tyler with my ass against his crotch and my head against his shoulder and he puts his arms around me. Jamie starts kissing my neck as Tyler begins to feel me up from behind. "We should get out of here," I say as I notice every single person's eyes in the bar are on us and our disgusting display.

"Yeah. My place. We have a car waiting," Jamie says as he grabs my hand.

"Oh shit! Go Amy!" one of my new friends screams as the three of us walk through the bar. I wave goodbye to him with a shit eating grin on my face.

I sit in between Jamie and Tyler on the car ride home. Neither of them are able to keep their hands off of me. I am not doing much better. I begin to put my hand down Tyler's pants but he slaps it and says, "not yet."

I run my fingers through Jamie's hair as he begins to kiss my neck and slips his hands up the jersey and under my t-shirt to touch my skin. I hold his head still as I kiss his lips. He immediately puts his tongue in my mouth. I suck on his bottom lip and let out a little moan. I love his lips. I have missed them. Tyler puts his hand on my knee and slowly starts moving it up my thigh. He rubs the inside of my thigh and I move my leg open to give him more access. Jamie runs his hand up my other thigh and it's getting harder for me to stay quiet. Tyler grabs my face and pulls it away from Jamie's and kisses me. I let go of Jamie's head and grab onto Tyler's hair and pull him away. "Stop being greedy," I say.

The car pulls up to Jamie's house and all 3 of us stumble out into the driveway. We walk up to the door and Jamie struggles to get the keys out of his pocket. Once he finally gets them out he holds them up in front of his face to find the right key for the front door. After missing the keyhole a few times he finally gets the key in and opens the door. We walk inside and I immediately take the jersey off and throw it onto the couch. "I want to fuck you in it," Jamie says as he kicks his shoes off.

"I don't," Tyler says.

"You can watch, Seggy," Jamie says as he puts his hands on my waist then kisses me.

"No chance," Tyler says as he takes his shoes off. He walks over to where we are and stands behind me. He whispers into my ear, "you already have me so hard," as he jams his erection into my ass.

"So you are," I say as I reach back and grab it through his pants and he moans into my neck as I rub my fingers over the tip of his head. Jamie licks his lips as I look into his eyes. I grab him by the waistband of his pants and pull him towards me. I reach my hand into his pants to wrap my hand around his cock. "Someone else is too, I see."

Jamie tries to get his hand into my pants but they're so tight he doesn't get far. He lets out a frustrated grunt as he struggles with the button but finally gets it open. He pulls the zipper down and pulls them down just past my ass and they fall to the floor the rest of the way. I step out of them and kick them across the floor. Tyler grabs onto my ass almost the same time Jamie puts his hand into my panties. "So wet," he says into my ear. I breathe heavy into his ear and lick the inside of it before letting out a loud moan.

Tyler lifts my shirt up and over my head once I let go of both of them. I turn around to see that he already has his shirt off and is working on getting his pants off. I begin to walk towards the bedroom and Jamie follows after me. "I know this is what you've wanted," he says as he takes his pants off.

I slowly pull his shirt off and drop it on the ground. "I don't know what I want," I say.

Tyler walks into the room fully naked. "What's taking you guys so long? Off with the clothes already."

"Is this always how he is?" Jamie asks with a smile, "so demanding."

I laugh as I take my bra and panties off. Jamie pulls his pants and boxer briefs off in one motion. "So we're naked," I say.

Tyler walks over to the bed and lies down on his back. I come up in between his legs and stroke the shaft of his penis as I begin to take his head into my mouth. I feel Jamie come up from behind me and put his hand on my hip as he guides himself into me with the other. I cup Tyler balls and begin to massage them with my fingers. He puts his hands on my head and messages the back of my head as I take more of him into my mouth. Jamie starts to pick up the pace of his thrusts into me and I roll my tongue all over Tyler's cock. "I'm almost there, slow down," Tyler says, "I want to enjoy this."

I lift my head up and slowly stroke him as I look into his eyes. "He feels so good inside of me," I say. Tyler sits forward and kisses me. He grabs my breasts. "Oh god!" I yell out as Jamie pounds into me harder.

"Switch spots," Jamie says as he pulls out, "I'm going to cum if I don't slow down."

I crawl on top of Tyler and sit right down on his cock and he slips right in. I am already so wet. I ride him fast and hard. I need to feel all of him inside of me. Jamie sand in front of me and puts his cock into my mouth. I don't even care that it tastes like me. I love to pleasure him. I roll my tongue over his swollen head and tease him for a bit. He grabs the back of my head and pushes me down further onto him and I let him. He starts to thrust into my mouth as I ride Tyler faster and faster. Tyler grabs a hold of my ass and I scream out as I reach orgasm. I go right back to Jamie's cock as I can tell he is almost ready to cum. I lick the length of his shaft before wrapping my mouth around him. He bucks his hips forward a few times before exploding into my mouth. I swallow and lean down to nibble on Tyler's neck as I quicken my pace. He starts to move his hips up into me as he can't get enough. He runs his nails down my back as he cums.

I roll off of him and lie down in between Jamie, who has already passed out, and Tyler who is trying to catch his breath just as I am. I start to get dizzy and I close my eyes so I can see if I can stop the room from spinning.

What the fuck did I do last night? I don't remember anything past being at that bar with those guys. I remember shots, lots of shots. I am a little afraid to open my eyes. I have no idea where I ended up. AnnMarie told me to find my own way home but I know that's not where I am. I am naked. I reach next to me and feel a bare ass. I slowly open my eyes to see Tyler's back, he's sleeping. I look around. We are not at Tyler's house. My heart starts to pound faster. This is Jamie's house. I slowly turn around to see Jamie sleeping next to me on the other side of the bed. All three of us are naked. "Fuck," I whisper to myself.

I can't remember how we got here and why all three of us are naked. Please, please remember. Nothing. My mind is blank after about the 9th round of shots. I don't even remember them showing up to the bar. I guess that's where they found me. I have to get out of here before they see me. I assume the only reason this happened is that we were very drunk. Maybe they won't remember anything. I slowly scoot myself off of the end of the bend and pick up my clothes from the floor. Not everything is in here. I walk out into the living room to find the rest of my clothes on the floor. I quickly get dressed and leave the house as quietly as I can.


	24. The Road to Recovery

"I'm Amy, I'm a sex addict, it's been 7 days since I've had sex. I haven't been here in a while. I thought I could do this on my own. I was able to do it before. I don't know what is different this time. I started drinking...a lot. I was always drunk. I haven't had a drink in 7 days either but that's not why I am here. I've alienated myself from anyone who has ever cared about me. I push the people who love me away and chose the addiction instead. Even my therapist dropped me. That sounds like a punchline to a joke but in my case it's the truth. Nobody wants to be around me anymore. I was sleeping with multiple guys at a time, didn't care. It was just meaningless sex. Soon the sex wasn't enough anymore. It wasn't enough to make it go away. Last week I got so drunk that I don't remember going home with 2 guys that I care most about in his world, although they would never know it the way I have treated them, and woke up naked next to both of them. I don't remember how I got there. I don't even remember them showing up to the bar I was at. I left the house while they were sleeping and haven't heard from either of them since. I don't know if they know what happened but I just know I can't continue down this path anymore. My best friend was kind enough to take me in when I had nowhere else to go and all I've given her is grief. I'm not the person I used to be. I'm ready to finally take hold of my addiction."

It is July 11th, 21 days since my first meeting, 28 days since I've had sex. Today I start my job at the boxing zone. I've talked it over with Phil and I think I am ready and he knows I am ready. I have been training really hard with him and have had a few fights in the past month. I won one tournament and made it to the last round in another tournament to lose in the last fight. That experience humbled me. I thought I was the best, that I was unstoppable, that is far from the truth. Right after work I have another meeting. It will be my 4th meeting since I chose to actually work on myself. It's been a really hard month. For a while I wasn't sleeping at all. I would leave the house to workout or fight and come home and just lie in bed staring at the ceiling. I couldn't trust myself to leave the house. There are temptations out there and I don't know if I am strong enough to walk away from them.

I haven't talked with Jamie or Tyler about what happened that night. I still don't know if they even are aware. I imagine if I was drunk enough to sleep with them, they were pretty gone too. I try like hell to remember that night but I still can't even remember them walking in. I only get as far as remembering Rocko saying, "you're an animal!." After I lost count of the number of rounds of shots we had consumed at that point. Everything else is a blur from there. It's better I don't talk to them. I am taking the time to finally work on myself. I even plan on asking Dr. Murray to take me back, if he will have me.

I am thankful for this job that Phil has given me. I am checking people in. Having them sign the paperwork. Filling out new paperwork for new clients. I'd rather be out there in the ring with them but this is a start and I'm happy to just be doing something. I feel like I have a purpose again. Being at the gym all the time has also given me a clear mind and soul. If I didn't have this job I don't think my recovery would be going as well as it is. That is not to say I don't struggle with it on a daily basis but I am handling it as best as I can. What's more important is that I can start saving up money to finally get my own place and be out of AnnMarie's hair.

"I'm Amy, I'm a sex addict. It's been 28 days since I have had sex. This is the only way I am going to be able to recover. Once I have any physical contact with somebody it's like I become a different person, not even a person, I become an animal. There has only been one person that I was able to just be with and I screwed that up a long time ago. I started a job today. I think it will help me keep focused on my recovery. When I am there it is the only place I feel like I have a clear mind. It's my safe place. It's been a struggle to leave the house other than for work. I feel like if I go out I will slip up. I don't trust myself enough just yet. I don't want to be isolated. I just want to be normal. My friend begs me to go out, even if it's just for a walk. I used to love going on long walks to clear my head. Now all I think is what if I walk to the bar or what if someone looks at me in a certain way and I have to have them. It's not an irrational fear. It has happened. I just want to protect myself but I know I am going to have to trust myself again eventually. I just don't know when that will be."

My friendship with AnnMarie is getting back to the way it was. I understand how much of a terrible person I was to be around. She didn't deserve that. All she's ever done was try to help me. We've had some long talks and I have apologized and promised to be better. That is one of the reasons why I have started going to the meetings again. If I lose her as a friend, I have nothing. I can tell she is proud of me for getting this far. I know she's happy I stopped drinking. I am as well. This addiction is enough to handle on its own, adding alcohol into it makes it 100 times worse. There are still things we have to work out but we are on the right direction to being ok again.


	25. Seeing My Parents

It is July 25th, 35 days since my first meeting, 42 days since I've last had sex. Today I go meet with Dr. Murray. I'm excited, and nervous, and terrified. It's been a long time since I've seen him last. So much has happened. I know if I am going to be able to do this I will need his help. The meetings are helping tremendously but I need him. I wasn't able to talk to him on the phone when I made my appointment but the fact that he is taking me back is a good sign. I hope I can show him that I am willing to help myself and take the steps to keep it under control. I have my appointment with Dr. Murray then I am going straight to my meeting. Phil was able to give me the day off as this was the only free time Dr. Murray had on such short notice.

I make the all too familiar drive to Dr. Murray's office just like I had done so many times before. This time I am nervous and don't know what to expect. Are we going to act like nothing happened? He is a professional. It just might be business as usual. I feel like we are closer than that though. I don't know what I am expecting. A pat on the back? Something that shows me that he is happy to have me as a client again. He is so important to me. I think of him as family. I just want him to be proud of me. I feel like he should be. I pull into the parking lot to grab my usual spot in the back of the lot but somebody is parked there. It makes me mad for some reason. Like really mad. I quickly turn into the spot next to it and get out of the car, cursing the person who dare take my parking spot.

I walk through the parking lot and into the building and check in with the receptionist. She smiles when she sees me. It almost looks like she wants to hug me. I slowly step backwards and sit down in one of the waiting room chairs. I stare down at the carpet on the floor until I am called in. The sound of my name startles me out of a trance and I stand up and walk down the hallway and into Dr. Murray's office. He is sitting on his chair with his hands folded on top of his desk. He looks up from his computer as I walk in and stands up. He extends his hand out to shake mine and I shake it. "Amy, it's good to see you again," he says as he sits back down.

"You got a haircut," I say as I sit down in the unfamiliar leather chair that sits in front of his desk. "and some new chairs."

 

He chuckles. "Yes we have upgraded the office a bit." He leans forward, resting his elbows on his desk. "So, how are you doing?" And just like that it feels like no time has passed at all.

"I'm Amy, I'm a sex addict. It's been 42 days since I've had sex. I have to keep track. If I don't keep track I lose sight of my goal. I have a calendar at home marking off each day that's it's been. Each day is a little victory. I spoke with my therapist today for the first time in I don't even know how long. He reminded me that I have to celebrate the little victories. I haven't been doing that, although, I haven't had many little victories until recently. I had been seeing my therapist since I was 16 years old. That's how long I have been dealing with this addiction. He's been everything to me. He's been a father when my father disowned me, he's been a brother when I needed a shoulder to cry on, and he's been a friend when I needed someone to set me straight. I was so far gone that he just couldn't see me anymore and it broke my heart when he called and said he was dropping me as a client. I wasn't sure if he'd ever take me back again. I wasn't sure if I would ever deserve it. Because of coming here and being strong and taking the time to actually work on myself I was able to see him again. I know he's going to help me the rest of the way with beating this addiction. I am thankful and happy that I have him back in my life. He was always apart of my routine. Now I feel complete."

It is August 8th, it's been 49 days since my first meeting, 56 days since I've had sex. Today is my mom's birthday. Dr. Murray says that to fully begin to start healing I have to reconnect with my family. I have to try at least. All of the pieces cannot be put back together if they're all not accounted for. I wasn't sure if this day would ever happen, me showing up to that house. They abandoned me when I needed them the most. I know it's been something I always avoid talking about. It hurts too much. It's easier to just pretend they don't exist. I know that Dr. Murray is right. I have to at least try. If I try then there won't be any more unanswered questions. I will know if they will ever want me back in their family or if I will just have to let go and move on.

I have driven past their house so many times since I was 18 that I have lost count. I would look in the window to see if I could see what they were doing. Sometimes I'd just drive past to see if they had a light on. I never ever once stopped my car. I almost did once but my dad opened the door and I sped off. I doubt he saw me but I felt like I had been caught. I sometimes wonder if they miss me. I wonder if they ever feel that they made a mistake pushing me away. I hope that maybe, just maybe once in a while they stop to think about how I am doing and what I am doing. It's not very often. It's usually when I am depressed and feeling sorry for myself.

I sit parked in front of the house I grew up in with flowers and a birthday card sitting on the passenger side seat. I don't even know if they have people coming over today or anything. I just knew that if I didn't do this now when I actually had the guts to that it might never happen. I feel comfortable doing this now because I have a meeting later and if I feel stressed out or sad or upset or anything that might set me off I know that I will have the meeting to set me straight. I wonder if they're even going to recognize me. I feel like I look different than I did. I stare at the front door as I start to put my key back in the ignition. Maybe I shouldn't. I quickly grab the card and flowers and open the door and step out. I have to do this.

My heart starts to race as I get closer and closer to the door. I walk up the steps and close my eyes briefly. "You can do this," I say to myself. My hand is shaky as I hold it up to ring the doorbell.

"I'll see who it is, Grace," I hear from the other side of the door. I swallow as the door opens up and my father stands before me, grayer than I remember him being. His eyes go wide once he sees me. "Amy," he says, he looks like he's seen a ghost.

"I, uh, brought flowers for mom," I say as I hold them out for him to take. All I want to do in this moment is run back to my car and drive away. I'm scared, scared that even after all of this time they want nothing to do with me.

"You can give them to her yourself," he says as he steps aside for me to walk in.

"I can?" I ask with tears welling up in my eyes.

"Come inside, will ya, you're letting all of the cold air out," he says as he begins to walk inside.

I follow behind him and put the flowers down on the kitchen table and place the card down next to it. "Who was it, Walter?" I hear my mom say from the hallway. She walks into the kitchen and drops her phone on the floor when she sees me. "Amy?"

"Happy birthday, mom," I say as the tears start to flow from my eyes and roll down my cheeks.

"Oh my god, Amy," my mom says as she walks over to me and throws her arms around me. Squeezing me so tightly, "welcome home."

"I'm Amy, I'm a sex addict. It's been 56 days since I've had sex. Today I saw my parents for the first time in 7 years. They never accepted my addiction as a real problem. They always just thought I was a slut who just couldn't keep her legs closed. Even when my therapist explained to them that sex addiction is a real problem that should be taken seriously they didn't want to believe him. Instead they just threw me out of the house and never spoke to me again. I wasn't a bad person. I wasn't doing drugs. I was a teenager who was scared and lost and they threw me out. I didn't think I'd ever forgive them or even want to see them again. My therapist says that to fully heal that I would have to try to make peace with them and if they couldn't accept that then move on. I was carrying around so much hatred towards them. It wasn't doing me any good. Today is my mom's birthday and I decided today would be the day I was going to truly start healing. I almost turned around and chickened out, several times, but I refused to give up.

I wasn't sure what was going to happen when I rang that doorbell, only that it had to happen. My dad came to the door and was surprised to see me but he let me in. I cried when I saw my mom and she dropped her phone on the floor but she was so happy to see me. It was such a relief. My dad took a while but finally gave me a hug. I can't even remember the last time he hugged me. We had a long talk about what's been going on in my life and about sex addiction. They told me what's been going on with them and that they felt bad about everything that happened between us but they just didn't know how to handle me and my addiction. They have been spending the past 7 years feeling guilty for how they treated me. I told them I forgive them and that I love them. We are going to work on rebuilding our family with the help of my therapist. I never thought this day would come and I am beyond happy. I feel like a huge weight has been lifted off of my shoulders. I feel like my heart is whole again."


	26. My Future is Bright

It's August 29th, 77 days since my first meeting, 85 days since I've had sex. I have a fight today and I feel really good about it.. Ever since I have been working, going to my therapy, and going to my meetings I have felt clarity like I haven't felt in so long. I feel more ready for this fight than I have ever felt about anything in my entire life. I have been training rigorously with Phil to prepare for this fight. It's the last fight of the summer. I have the potential of bringing home a trophy if I win this fight. I convinced my dad to come watch me fight. He loves boxing, it's his whole life, but he's scared to see me in the ring. I told him he should be scared for the girl I'm fighting. My relationship with my parents is still in the process of being mended but we have come a long way in these past few weeks. I am actually happy. It's been a long time since I've been able to say that and truly mean it in every aspect of the word.

It's an afternoon fight so I wake up early enough to get my meals in for the day. I have my cheat sheet that Phil wrote out for me and have been following it. I walk outside with my lunch, my last meal before the fight, and sit out in the grass to enjoy some of that Texas sun. It's hot but I don't care. It feels nice to have that warmth on my skin. I still have been struggling with letting myself go out and enjoying some time out of the house but I am slowly getting there. For a while I wasn't even allowing myself to go out into the back yard. I have come a long way over the summer but I have so much more I still have to do. It's never ending, dealing with addiction, I'm always going to have it. It's not something that is just magically going to go away. It's how I deal with it. That is up to me.

I listen to jazz in my car on the way to the gym. It's a weird music selection to get myself in the mood for a fight but it works so I stick with it. Phil always makes fun of me. "You need to get pumped up. You need to get mad. You need some hard core rap pumping through your ears." I always just laugh at him and shake my head. He's always so intense about everything. I call it intensity and he calls it passion. Either way it amuses me. He is very motivating,though, I'll give him that. I am so lucky to have met him. He's saved my life.

I change into my gear in the locker room and walk out to where Phil is standing. I smile as I see my dad talking his ear off. He must be in his glory right now. He loves talking boxing. Phil has a big smile on his face and yapping away about something as I walk over to them. "She has been an absolute treasure to train and I don't usually use words like that," Phil says as he puts his arm around me.

"He's right. He doesn't," I say.

My dad smiles as Phil starts to tape up my hands. "I never thought I'd see the day my daughter would slap on a pair of gloves and get in the ring."

"She's worked hard to get to this point. You should be very proud," Phil says as he pats me on the back, "you're all set."

"I am proud," my dad says as he looks into my eyes, "really proud."

"I'm Amy, I'm a sex addict, it's been 85 days since I've had sex. You might look at me right now and be a little concerned about my swollen eye. I don't blame you. It's not every day someone walks in here looking like this. I had a boxing match earlier today. Boxing is the one routine I have stuck with since I told myself I needed a distraction. It has been my saving grace. I thought when I went into the boxing zone that first day that I would just hit a punching bag a few times to get some aggression out. I didn't know it would turn into all of this. I wouldn't say I love boxing more than I love hockey but it's a close second.

So I had a match today. My last big tournament of the summer. This was for everything I have been working so hard towards. The winner would get a trophy and 10 thousand dollars. It wasn't even about winning for me. It was about going out there and leaving it all out there on the mat. Winning doesn't hurt, though. I've been driving around with that trophy in my car all day. I just want to bring it around everywhere with me. It doesn't just signify the fact I won a few boxing matches. It represents all that I have been fighting for since I was 13 years old. I can be a winner and I can come out on top and I can do anything I set my mind to. I don't have to let sex addiction define me and I don't have to let it consume me and I sure as hell don't have to let it beat me because I am stronger than that. I have proved that to myself. I know my future is bright because I am going to make it bright."


	27. Quick Author's Note

I wrote two different endings to this story because I just could not make a decision on who I wanted Amy to end up with. You can choose to read one ending or both. They have their similarities but they're different at the same time. Let me know who you want Amy to end up with, Tyler or Jamie?


	28. Jamie's Ending

It's September 9th it's been 109 days since I've had sex. I don't have a meeting today but it is my 24th birthday. We weren't going to do anything at first but AnnMarie insisted we have just a little get together since my parents are back in my life. That alone is something to celebrate. It's just going to be a small gathering of friends and family. Nothing too crazy. We decided that we are just going to order a bunch of pizzas and have a relaxing day out in the yard. I am fine with that although I am sure Phil won't be fine with the amount of pizza I intend to shove into my face. It's been a while since I've had any pizza so I am looking forward to spoiling myself a bit. It is my birthday after all.

AnnMarie and I set up tables and chairs in the backyard. We put these cheap plastic table cloths on the tables and quickly run into the problem of the wind blowing them away. I have to chase one down across the yard. It's a beautiful day. The sun is shining without a cloud in the sky. It's supposed to get up to 68 degrees. Perfect weather. Now if only these table cloths would just cooperate. "I'll have to see if we have something inside to weigh them down," I say as I walk inside. I look around to see if we have anything heavy to weigh the cloths down with. I see some tape and grab it. I walk back outside. "We can tape them down."

"Yeah, good thinking," she says as she walks over to the table I am standing by to help me. "How are you feeling today?" That's usually a daily question I get. I know she worries about me even though I have been doing so much better. I don't blame her for being concerned. It hasn't been an easy road. I am so lucky to have someone who cares so much about me.

"I'm doing well. I didn't get much sleep but otherwise I am good. This weather is definitely helping," I reply, "couldn't have asked for a better day for this."

We continue to tape down each corner of the tablecloth to the table and move on to the next table. We have 3 long tables set up. One for food, one for drinks, and one to sit down at. We've chosen green for the color of tablecloths because, well, obviously. We decided it would be best that it would be a dry party. I have learned the hard way that me being around alcohol is just asking for trouble. I haven't had a drink since the night the Stars won the Stanley Cup. I shouldn't have been drinking in the first place because of my fights. That is in the past, though. It feels like it was so long ago. I've come so far in these past few months.

After we set up the tables with snacks and drinks. There are bowls of chips and various amounts of dips, pretzels, and vegetables with a vegetable dip on the food table. "Where are the kale chips," Phil jokes as he makes his way through the backyard with a smile on his face and a tray in his hands. I walk over to him and put an arm around him to hug him. "Happy birthday, Amy." He gives me a kiss on the cheek.

"What did you bring?" I ask, I wasn't expecting him to be bringing any food.

"Chicken and rice for those of us who don't want pizza. You're going to love it. I'm a pretty good cook, well that's what my wife tells me anyway."

"You didn't have to. I could have made some. I feel bad now," I say as we walk inside to put the tray in the oven until it's time to eat.

"Don't worry about it. It's my pleasure. Come here." He puts his arms out to hug me. I wrap my arms around him. "You're looking so much better," he says, referring to me getting back into my meal plan and cutting out the alcohol.

"I feel so much better," I reply. I'm back to being lean with some muscle mass. My skin has cleared up. I just overall feel a lot better than I was for a while.

We walk back outside where AnnMarie is setting up the music. I walk out to the shed to get the corn hole game out and set it up in the yard. We don't have many outdoor games but you really can't go wrong with corn hole. "Hey Phil," AnnMarie says as she waves from the patio.

"Now that I am looking at all of this I regret not planning a barbeque instead," I say, "we just got that new grill."

"Now you're speaking my language," Phil says as he walks over to the grill to admire it, "you'll have to invite me over when you finally do decide to start this bad boy up. I can teach you a few things."

 

"Phil Owen, personal trainer, boxing instructor, grill master extraordinaire," I tease.

"You joke but I really am all of those things," he replies and we laugh.

I start to get nervous as people start to show up but my parents haven't yet. Things have been good with us so I shouldn't have a reason to think they wouldn't show up but it's still hard to trust them sometimes. I'm still worried that I will do something or say something that will make them not want to be in my life anymore. Dr. Murray has been working on that with us. A bunch of friends from the Stars and the AAC all show up together and give me a big hug when they see me. I told people not to bring gifts but of course they have. I put them down on the kitchen table inside.

I walk out into the backyard and my mom and dad are out there talking to Phil. I breathe a huge sigh of relief when I see them. They smile wide when they see me and I walk over to them. My dad gives me a hug ,followed by my mom. "Happy Birthday, sweetheart," my mom says.

"Thank you," I reply, "I'm so happy you're here."

"Your father got a bit lost," she says as she looks at my dad who looks just a little annoyed my mom told us.

"The GPS took us to the wrong place. That's not my fault," my dad says.

"Yeah that happens. There are two Cedar Lanes. I should have told you. I forgot," I say.

"That's ok. We are here now," my mom replies.

"The pizza should be here any minute," AnnMarie says, "There are drinks over in the cooler over there and snacks."

The faint sound of the doorbell can be heard through the open sliding glass doors. "That must be the pizza. I'll go get it," I say. I walk inside and grab the money off of the kitchen counter and stick it in my pocket. I walk through the living room and to the front door and open it. "Jamie," I say, startled. Jamie is standing in front of me, freshly shaven, new haircut, black pants, and a grey t-shirt on.

"Hey," he says.

"What are you doing here?" I ask, still stunned that he is actually standing here in front of me.

"It's your birthday. I wanted to say happy birthday," he says as he looks down at the ground.

I honestly don't know what to say. Seeing him in front of me brings up so many different emotions. It's so good to see him. He looks really good. I want to hug him but I don't think it would be a good idea. I catch myself staring into his eyes and look away. "Well, we are having a little party. You can join us if you want," I say, not really sure it is the best idea to invite him in.

"I don't know. I probably shouldn't," he says as he takes a step back.

"Jamie, you came all the way here, you might as well come in." He doesn't respond. "Please." I give him my best sad puppy dog look.

He smiles. "Yeah, ok."

I start to walk inside and he follows behind me. We walk out to the backyard and AnnMarie's eyes go wide when she sees us. She walks over to us, still looking just as shocked as I am feeling right now "Hey, Jamie," she says.

"Hey, sorry to just show up like this," he says.

"It's ok. We have plenty of food," she replies.

"Oh shit, Jamie!" one of the guys from the Stars yells from across the yard once he spots Jamie. Jamie nods his head at him, walks over to him, and they shake hands and begin talking.

AnnMarie just looks at me. I shake my head. "I don't even know. I thought it was the pizza guy. I opened and door and Jamie was just standing there," I explain, "I invited him in. I didn't know what else to do."

"Did he say why he's here?" she asks.

"He just said he wanted to say happy birthday." I look over at him. He's smiling and laughing with the guys. "I honestly don't know."

"He could have called. There has to be more that he's not telling you. Are you going to be ok? You know..."

"Yeah. I'm good. I'll let you know if it becomes a problem." The doorbell rings. "Now that is the pizza guy."

"Or another ex-boyfriend," AnnMarie jokes, "I'll go get it this time." I take the money out of my pocket and hand it to her and she walks inside.

I walk over to where Jamie is still joking around with the guys. "The pizza should be here," I say to the group.

"Amy, you didn't tell me you and Jamie got back together," Charles, a security guard from the AAC, says.

Jamie and I both look down at the ground embarrassed. "We aren't," I bashfully say.

"I'm so sorry. I just thought...damn, well don't I feel like a bag of shit," Charles says as his face turns beet red.

"It's ok," Jamie says, then looks over at me, "it's an easy mistake."

"Yeah don't worry about it," I add. I look to where AnnMarie is walking into the backyard with several boxes of pizza. "Look, food is here." I walk over to help her carry the boxes over to the table and set them down. I walk inside to get Phil's tray out of the oven. I reach in to grab it and burn my hand. I forgot to put an oven mitt on. "Fucking shit!" I yell as I run over to the sink and run cold water over my throbbing hand.

"You alright?" Phil asks, I jump from being startled, I didn't know anyone was in the room with me.

"Yeah, my dumbass grabbed your tray with my bare hand." I grab a towel and pat my hand dry.

"You have to take care of those hands," he says as he walks over to me. He grabs my wrist and holds it up to his face to inspect my hand. "You'll be ok."

"Are we adding doctor to your resume too?" I joke.

"Is that your ex-boyfriend out there?" he asks as he motions out the window with his head.

I look out to where Jamie is sitting and talking with Roger, the usher who takes care of the player's families at the AAC. "Yeah. He just showed up. I guess he got me a bit frazzled."

"You need me to have a talk with him? I have heard I am intimidating."

"No, it's fine. I'm the one who screwed him over. I don't even know why he would want to be here."

"Probably because you're an amazing woman," Phil says as he walks back over to the oven and picks up his tray. He stops in the doorway. "Come on, let's go."

I walk outside with Phil and grab myself a cup and pour myself some lemonade. I put my cup down at the open spot at the end of the table. I walk over to the food table and grab myself a plate. I put a few slices of pizza on then put some of Phil's chicken on. I walk over to my spot and sit down. "I just wanted to thank everyone for being here to celebrate my birthday," I say, "I love you guys." Phil raises his cup up in the air and soon everyone follows and we clink our cups together. Everyone says happy birthday and we begin to eat.

All throughout the meal I couldn't keep my eyes off of Jamie. I keep wondering why he would show up here today. It couldn't have been to just say happy birthday.That could have been done through a text. A few times he would look over at me and catch me looking at him. He would just smile and go back to talking. It's actually nice to have him here. I have missed him being around. I just don't know what to think. Are we friends again? Does he possibly want more? This really isn't the place to have a conversation about it. I don't even think it would be smart to question it.

After we eat we all decide to play cornhole. Jamie and I wind up on a team together. I'm pretty sure it was done on purpose. I am not really complaining though. "You guys are going down," I say to Roger and Charles, who are our first opponents, "Jamie and I are awesome at this."

We play a few games of cornhole and it's like we are back to our old selves. Both of us are so competitive so we were doing a lot of trash talking. After I get the beanbag in to win one of our games he hugs me and it doesn't feel weird. He did let go a little quickly, like maybe he thought twice of it. It's really hard to read what is going on and I can't help but wonder as the day goes on. We have beaten all of the teams but one team. My mom and my dad have actually done really well. Cornhole must be in our genes or something. They are the last team we have to beat to be the cornhole champions of this birthday party.

"Sorry, mom and dad, we are going to have to beat you," I say as I gather up our beanbags. I hand 3 to Jamie.

"You wish," my dad says as he takes his spot next to me. Jamie walks across the way to stand at the other board next to my mom. "So, Jamie's here."

"Yeah. I guess that is just going to be the talk of the party, huh?" I say.

"I know I haven't been around and I don't know what happened between you two but I do know there is something there," my dad says after throwing his beanbag and missing. "The way you look at each other. It's all there."

"Yeah, maybe, there's just so much that has happened. I don't know..." My eyes are on Jamie the whole time I am talking. My mom is talking his ear off about something. I hope she's not embarrassing me.

"He's here. That says a lot." He pats me on the back. "It's your turn."

Jamie and I win the first game and decide to make it best two out of 3. My mom and dad win the second game but it was close. Jamie and I win the 3rd game although I swear my dad threw the game on purpose. Jamie walks towards me and gives me a hug. "Good job," he says. He holds my chin and leans down and kisses me on the lips. I stay frozen not knowing what to do and he lingers for a few seconds before pulling away. "Uh, so, your parents are here."

"Yeah we've been on good terms for a month now."

"Good. That's so great. I'm happy for you." He nervously runs his fingers through his hair. "Listen I..."

"Yo, Benny, get over here!" one of the guys yells from across the yard. "Charles is going to chug this whole 2 liter bottle!"

"We'll talk later," he continues and jogs over to the group of guys who are huddled around Charles who is goofing off as usual.

I'm still frozen in the spot Jamie left me in. AnnMarie walks over to me and says, "I saw that."

"Yup, that just happened."

"Did he say anything after?" she asks.

"Something about my parents being here."

"Ok, gross. Are you still ok? I mean, that was your first contact with anyone in months."

"So far so good. He was starting to say something else and the guys called him away."

"You're going to have to talk to him at some point."

"Yeah I know. I guess we should go watch Charles chug that soda." We join the rest of the people at the party who have created a circle around Charles. Who, for some reason, has taken his shirt off. "And there's not even any alcohol at this party." Charles just loves to be the center of attention. He'd do anything for a laugh, I guess that includes chugging a bottle of soda shirtless.

Once the sun goes down the party starts to die out. We do have some lighting in the backyard but it's still pretty dark. We do offer to have people stay and watch a movie but they have been here a while already so they decline. Before he leaves Phil says I can have what's left of the chicken and rice and helps me pack it up and put it in the fridge. My mom and dad are the last to leave besides Jamie who has been pacing around in the backyard with his hands in his pockets. I walk them out to their car and thank them for coming. They each give me a hug.

I walk back into the house and through the front door. I can see out through the living room, into the kitchen, and out the kitchen window that Jamie is still out in the backyard. It's so dark that I can really only see the outline of his body. I walk through the living room, through the kitchen, and out to join him. He looks up once he hears the sound of the sliding glass door open. I close the door behind me and walk over to where he is on the other side of the yard. There is a patio bench out there and he sits down. I sit down next to him. It's pretty dark in his part of the yard. There is just a single light that is shining over us. I can only see his face and a bit of his shoulders. Everything else is washed out from the darkness.

"You probably know by now that I came here for more than to just tell you happy birthday," he says.

"I had a feeling."

He leans forward and rests his elbows on his knees as he nervously plays with his bottom lip with his thumbs. "You know I suck at stuff like this so just bare with me," he begins to say, "I miss you. I miss us. For a while I felt stupid for missing you. You really hurt me. I thought there was something wrong with me for still wanting to be with you after what happened. I was so mad for so long. Mad turned into sad which turned into missing you. I can't explain it." He stops and shakes his head. "This is not how I pictured this."

 

"You're doing fine," I say, trying to be encouraging, fighting back tears in my eyes.

"When we won the cup it was probably the happiest moment in my life. It was the one thing I have been working my whole life to achieve and there I was with the cup over my head skating around the ice and all I could think of was the fact I wish you were there to celebrate it with me." He clears his throat and looks at me. The light reflects off of the glassiness of his eyes. Tears start to roll down my cheeks as I can't hold them back anymore. "I've been home all summer wondering what I should do. I know we can't just start over. I don't know if I can stand to be without you any longer, though. I just got here for camp and all I wanted to do was see you. That's why I came here today. I just had to see you and to tell you that I want to be with you."

He takes my shaking hands in his. "I started reading up on sex addiction. I wanted to know why. I wanted to understand what you were going through. I wish you would have told me." I hang my head and start to sob. "I would have been there for you. We could have gotten through it together." Jamie takes my chin in his hand and lifts my head up. I blink the tears out of my eyes as he looks at me with tears in his eyes. "I'm here now." I close my eyes. "Please look at me." I take a deep breath as more tears fall from my eyes after I open them. "I will continue to be here for you. I love you. I always have and always will."

I wrap my arms around him and hold him tightly. He hugs me and rubs his hands up and down my back. I kiss him and can taste his salty tears that have fallen. I don't care. I have been waiting for this moment for so long and never thought it would happen. I rub my hand on the back of his freshly buzzed head and we continue to kiss. I could kiss him all night, and not because I need to but because I want to. I put my hand on his chest as we break away from our kiss. I lean my forehead on his and close my eyes as I just let myself be in this moment. He puts his hand on mine. "I love you so much," I say with tears still rolling down my cheeks.

It's January 1st. The start of a new year. The start of a new chapter in my life. I have a meeting today. I haven't missed a meeting since I started going again back in June. I have my same daily routines and don't stray from them. I wake up at the same time every day and do the same things every day. I wake up, make breakfast, meditate, go to work, workout, go for a walk, come home. If I have an appointment with Dr. Murray, a meeting, or a boxing match then those things get added into my routine. I have been sleeping a lot better and have just overall been feeling better. For the first time in a long time I feel like I have a clean body, mind, and spirit. It has taken me a long time to get to this point and I know I have to work hard on a daily basis to maintain it but I am up for the challenge. The outcome is so rewarding.

"I'm Amy, and I'm a sex addict. Last night was New Year's Eve. A night where people drink, toast to the new year, reflect on the year that is coming to an end. New Year's Eve used to be a rough one for me. People drinking and losing their inhibitions. I used to take advantage of that. I would listen to their stories of the terrible year they were leaving behind and I would wind up kissing them and most likely more than that at midnight. The past three New Years Eve's I've been with someone. It's hard to believe that this year I was actually with the same someone considering what we went through last year.

I had been with him for 2 years before losing control and cheating on him. We broke up and I went on a downward spiral to a place I have worked for these past 6 months to get out of. I didn't know if he would ever take me back but I had hope. I knew I had to work on myself before that could happen. Being with him is worth it. When he came back into my life I wasn't even sure if I was ready. I had gone 3 months with no physical contact with anyone, let alone sexual contact. Honestly getting back with him wasn't even on my mind at that point. I was so focused on getting better.

It was my birthday and he showed up at the party out of nowhere. I had no idea what to do or think or anything. All of a sudden he was there, that's all I knew. I was happy to see him but worried that I would do or say something to mess it up. At one point he had kissed me. I didn't know what to do. I froze. Later on that night he told me he still loved me and wanted to be with me. The words I had been waiting to hear from him for 6 months. The words I weren't sure I'd hear come out of his mouth. The words I honestly wasn't sure I was ready to hear.

That was September. Since then I moved out of my friend's house and back in with him where I was living before I screwed everything up. He has a pretty busy schedule and isn't home all of the time but he goes to therapy with me when he can. He has been so understanding and willing to learn all he can about sex addiction. I can't believe I was so scared to talk to him about it before. He's been such an amazing support system. Other than moving back in together we have been moving slowly. This is mostly my decision. I was able to be in control of myself before when I was with him but I have been overly cautious about having sex, even kissing sometimes and he's been patient with me.

Last night it was just us at our house. He had just come home from being away for a week and a half and we just wanted to spend time together. It was nice. We just had a quiet night in. A perfect New Year's Eve for the new me. Seven months ago I was at my lowest point in my life. I was drinking all the time, sleeping with whatever moved, and being an overall terrible person. I never thought I would be in a meaningful relationship again, let alone with someone I care about more than anyone in this entire world. Not only am I with the love of my life and happier than I have ever been but last night he proposed to me and I said yes.

It hasn't been an easy road to this point. There were times I thought I didn't deserve to be loved. There were times I thought I didn't deserve to live. I tried to get through it on my own and it's just not possible. You need people in your life who are going to understand and who are going to look out for you and who are going to love you. Surround yourself with people who will tell you that even when you fall they will be there to pick you back up and when you are able to pick yourself back up they will be there to cheer you on. These meetings have done that for me. You can count on us to pick you up and cheer you on. Everyone deserves to be loved so don't for a moment think that you don't. You just have to find those special people who can be there for you. Most importantly you have to be there for yourself. You have to put in the work. You have to hit that point where you've finally had enough of letting your addiction get in the way of your happiness. You will get there and when you get there I know I will be here to cheer you on because I know what it's like. I've been there. I am going through it. And I will continue to go through it. Make that choice to get better and then go out and do it. There is light at the other end of the tunnel. I have made it there and it's beautiful."


	29. Tyler's Ending

It's September 9th it's been 109 days since I've had sex. I don't have a meeting today but it is my 24th birthday. We weren't going to do anything at first but AnnMarie insisted we have just a little get together since my parents are back in my life. That alone is something to celebrate. It's just going to be a small gathering of friends and family. Nothing too crazy. We decided that we are just going to order a bunch of pizzas and have a relaxing day out in the yard. I am fine with that although I am sure Phil won't be fine with the amount of pizza I intend to shove into my face. It's been a while since I've had any pizza so I am looking forward to spoiling myself a bit. It is my birthday after all.

Leave it to us to wait until the last minute to buy things for the party. It's only later on this afternoon and we are now just at Target getting the essentials. It's not really our fault. Both of us have been pretty busy with work and our schedules just haven't allowed us to get out until now. I grab a cart as we walk through the doors of Target, otherwise known as my second home. I am pretty much in Target at least once a week even if I don't necessarily need to buy anything, I usually manage to spend at least $100 every time I am here.

"Let's head to the food first and get the boring stuff after," I say as I push the cart in the direction of the snack aisle.

"Sounds good to me," AnnMarie replies.

On the way to the food I spot the outdoor activities aisle. "Oh we need to get something for people to do," I say as I make a sharp turn into the aisle. "Hmm, what will be entertaining for these people?" I scan the products.

"Everyone likes horseshoes," AnnMarie says, pointing to the box with the horseshoe set.

"Yeah! Good idea," I say as I grab the box and put it in the cart. "Do you think we need anything else?"

"No I think that will be fine. We have other things at home if anything."

We leave the aisle and head over to the snack aisle and I grab various chips and salsas and dips and place them in the cart. "I know for a fact the guys from the Stars will eat us out of house and home if we don't provide enough snacks," I say as I grab two more bags of Doritos. "I need something for all of the people from the gym. I guess we can buy from fruit or something. I can hear Phil complaining now."

She laughs. "Yeah he doesn't take a day off does he?"

"No he doesn't."

After we finish up in the snack aisle we grab a bunch of drinks and put them in the cart. We pick up cups, plates, napkins, the boring stuff. The table cloths grab my eye and I pick up a box with some green plastic table cloths. "Victory green," AnnMarie says.

I nod my head yes. "This is why we are best friends."

 

"Because of green table cloths?" she jokes.

"Yes exactly."

Once we get home from Target we set up everything for the party. People should be arriving shortly. I decide to start setting up the horseshoe set towards the back of the yard so it's out of the way of where people need to walk. Our yard isn't too big but it's still out of the way enough that we won't have to worry about people getting knocked out by horseshoes. It's a nice day out but a little warmer than I would like it to be. The weather channel said it's supposed to get up to about 86 today. Hopefully there will be a nice breeze so we don't die out here. I was eyeing those water guns at Target. I should have picked some up. I think we have a tent in the shed I can set up over the food and sitting tables so we won't melt in the sun.

I walk over to the shed to pull out the tent. "You need help with that?" my dad asks as he and my mom walk across the yard in my direction.

"Yeah. That would be great. It's going to get hot out here," I say as I greet my dad with a hug.

"Happy Birthday," he says then kisses my forehead. "Before we set that up, I have something for you out in the truck."

"Oh come on, I said no gifts." My mom holds her arms out for a hug and I hug her. "Hey, mom."

"Happy birthday, sweetie."

"Come on, we wouldn't want to leave Phil hanging," my dad says as he starts walking towards the gate.

"Phil? My Phil?" I ask, confused.

We walk through the gate and out to the street where my dad's red pickup truck is sitting. Phil is standing by the cab and resting his elbow on the top of it. We walk around to the back of the truck where I see a punching bag and a box that has a stand in it. I look at my dad and at Phil who both have smiles on their faces. "You got me a punching bag? That is awesome. Thank you!" I throw my arms around my dad and give him a big hug.

"Phil helped pick it out. He's going to set it up for you."

"Thank you, Phil, for everything," I say as I hug him.

"Happy Birthday, Amy," he says as he squeezes me.

I look to my parents. "We have snacks set up in the back. The pizza will be here in a little while. There's horseshoes too." I look at Phil. "I guess we can set that up in my room. There should be space for it."

I pick up the box with the stand in it and walk with Phil into the house as he carries the punching bag. He quickly sets up the stand quickly like it's second nature. He puts the bag on the stand and I give it a few practice punches to make sure it's sturdy. "You're all set," Phil says as he pats me on the back.

"Is this your way of telling me I spend too much time at the gym?" I ask.

He smiles. "Never. I just know it's been helping you."

"Thank you again. You saved my life. Really."

"You're an amazing girl. I'm glad we found each other." We look outside into the backyard through my window where a considerable amount of noise is coming from. "I think some friends of yours are here."

"That's probably the guys from the Stars. They always like to make an entrance."

We walk out to the backyard where a few of my friends from the Stars are already playing horseshoes. They drop the the horseshoes once they see me and run over to me and give me a hug all at the same time. "Happy birthday!" they shout as I get several kisses on the cheek and head.

"Thanks, guys, be careful with those," I say as they go back to their horseshoe game.

"We are trained professionals," one of the guys says.

"Yeah to drive a zamboni, not to fling around dangerous objects," I reply.

I walk across the yard to where AnnMarie is talking to Sophia, one of the girls I know from the gym. "Hey you made it," I say as I hug her.

"You picked the perfect day to have this. It's beautiful," Sophia says.

"I feel like it's too hot to be out here," I say as I look up at the sun that feels like it's roasting us.

"No,I love it. But you know me, I love the heat."

"Hey, Sophia, you're back!" Phil says as he walks over to us. Sophia just came back from a boxing tournament she had entered in California. We weren't sure if she was going to be back in time for the party. "How did it go?"

"I did alright. Didn't win but came close. There are a lot of tough girls out there. You should think about it, though, Amy. I think you'd do great out there."

"Yeah I was thinking about it. I don't know though. If you didn't win what chance do I have? You have more experience than I do."

"You're still tough as hell. It doesn't hurt to try. It was a great experience and it's always good to meet other fighters."

I nod my head in agreement. "Yeah you're right. I'll have to see when the next one is." All of a sudden I feel hands on my shoulders and they spin me around. There Tyler stands in front of me. He takes his sunglasses off and clips them onto his shirt. He takes my head in his hands and kisses me. I am too much in shock to do anything so I stand there stunned. He pulls away for a moment. "Tyler, w-" I begin to say.

"Shh," he says then leans in again to kiss me again. This time I kiss him back. He runs his hands up my back as we slowly but passionately kiss. We slowly break away from the kiss and he leans his cheek against mine as he hugs me. "Happy birthday."

"Now THAT is a good birthday present," Sophia says, "I need to get me one of those."

AnnMarie walks over to us. "Oh by the way, Tyler is on his way. Forgot to tell you."

"Thanks for that," I say sarcastically. I look to Tyler, who is still hugging me. "Tyler, what are you doing here?"

He takes me by the hand. "Can we go talk somewhere?" He starts to walk as he pulls me along. We walk through the yard and out the gate to the front of the house. He leans against his Jeep and I stand in front of him, still not sure about what is going on right now.

"What's going on?" I ask. I notice the scar that runs across his cheek, just under his eye. I am reminded of the car accident that he got in during the summer with a bunch of his friends who were driving drunk. The driver and passenger were in critical condition for a while and they wouldn't report on how Tyler was doing. I was worried sick not knowing if he was ok or not. I cup his cheek with my hand and run my thumb over the scar. "Your poor face." I pull his face down towards me and kiss the scar.

"I missed you like crazy," he says as he leans his forehead against mine.

"What the fuck were you doing drinking and driving?" I ask, angrily as I hit him in the arm a few times. "How could you be so stupid?"

"Ow ow ow," he says as he pulls away from my hits. "I wasn't driving."

"Yeah but they were driving and they were drunk. You could have been seriously hurt...or worse." I rest my forehead on his shoulder and he puts his arms around me.

He leans his head on top of mine. "I know. It was stupid and careless. I should have known better."

"I wanted to reach out to you, especially because they wouldn't say how you were, but I didn't know if you'd want me to. So I didn't."

"Mike is still in a coma and they don't know if he's ever going to come out of it. I was in that hospital with him every day. It reminded me of what happened with Derek. I kept thinking to myself, no not again, this cannot be happening again." He sighs. "I thought to myself what am I actually doing with my life. Yeah, I have hockey but what about the rest of it? What if one day I didn't have hockey anymore? What would I be left with? The answer scared me. I started thinking about you and what we had and how much I miss it. I let my stupid pride get in the way of one of the best things to ever happen to me. Life is too short to throw away the things that make you happy. I want us to be together if you'll have me."

I lift my head up from his shoulder, which is now full of my tears, and look into his eyes. "Do you know just how scared I was that the reason they weren't reporting on how you were was because you were dead?" I say then wipe the tears from my eyes. "I couldn't sleep, I couldn't eat. I really thought I had lost you forever."

"You were that worried about me?"

"Of course I was, you idiot, I love....you," I say as I look down at the ground.

He leans his head down to mine so I can see him. "Excuse me, what? I don't think I heard that right. You...what?"

I lift my head up, smile and laugh. "I love you."

He hugs me and kisses my cheek. "I know you do."

"You know this addiction isn't going to just go away," I say. We still have some unresolved issues when it comes to my addiction. I don't know if this is something I should just jump back into right away.

"Well I'm not going away either," he says with a smirk.

"This is serious, Tyler," I say, rolling my eyes.

"I know it is."

"I need to know that you're going to be understanding. I need to know that you're going to help me get through the rough times. I need to know that when I fall you're going to be there to pick me back up. I need to know that you're going to be there for me." A single tear rolls down my cheek.

He reaches out and wipes the tear from my cheek with his thumb. "I have always been there for you. All of those things you just said, I've already done. It's always been me. You just need to open your eyes and see it. I love you and I'm going to be here for you because I don't know how to do anything else. So how about it? You want to give this thing a real shot?"

I nod my head yes. "Yeah, I do."

He smiles wide. "Awesome." He picks me up and spins me around. I hold onto his face and kiss him as he slowly lowers me back down onto the ground. He puts his hands on my hips as he leans back against his Jeep and we continue to kiss.

"Are you guys coming back to the party any time soon?" AnnMarie calls from the front steps.

We both stop kissing and look back at her and laugh. I turn back to Tyler. "I should probably get back. It is my party after all."

"Can I join you?"

"Oh I suppose," I tease. Tyler puts his arm around my back and we walk to the backyard through the gate to join the party.

It's November 27th, just a few days after Thanksgiving. I have a lot to be thankful for this year despite the rollercoaster it has been. I hit my lowest point this year, you would think I wouldn't have much to be thankful for. I also have had so many highs. I found my passion for boxing and through boxing I found Phil, someone who has been a rock for me as I struggled through life fighting my demons. I almost lost my best friend because of my drinking but we have been able to patch things up and now we are closer than ever. I have been reunited with my parents and they want to be in my life again. Those are some amazing highs. I really hurt someone I cared about and I will never forgive myself for that but because of that I have Tyler in my life so I am allowing myself to be thankful for that.

"I'm Amy, and I'm a sex addict. It's funny to think about the first time I ever stepped foot at this podium. Ok, let me explain. It's funny because the reason I decided to come here in the first place was because of this guy. This guy I could not get out of my head. I was with someone else. I was in love with my boyfriend at the time and I was doing great. Then this guy came into my life and I felt like I was in a tornado. He flipped everything upside down. I wanted this guy so bad and I fought that for a while but he kept coming and coming and coming. Eventually we had sex and from there I was out of control. I even stopped coming to the meetings. I stopped going to therapy. I stopped being responsible for myself.

This guy and I spent a lot a time together in a short amount of time and he was falling in love with me. I was getting more and more out of control and I became scared that maybe I was falling for him too. I blamed him for everything instead of owning up to my actions. I became a shitty person. Hurting everyone along the way that ever cared about me and I didn't do anything to stop it. Eventually this guy was sick of being pushed away, sick of being hurt, sick of me, so he told me he wanted nothing to do with me and that was it. I thought we'd just never talk to each other again and I would have to move on, and I did, until he came back into my life.

I was my birthday 2 and a half months ago. My friend and I threw a little party to celebrate. It wasn't anything too crazy just some family and close friends. I was standing in the yard talking to my friend when out of nowhere someone just turns me around and kisses me. I open my eyes to see this guy standing in front of me. I couldn't believe it. He tells me he needs to talk to me and we go out front and he tells me he wants to be with me and that he misses me. I was hesitant at first. Heck, I was scared. I wasn't sure if being with this guy was the smart thing for me to do at that time. I was just 3 months into recovery and we had such a history. The fact is that I love him and he loves me and being with him is like no other feeling I have ever felt before. Why would I deny myself that feeling? So I said yes.

It's just funny to think that this guy that I thought was the reason for all of my problems turned out to be the solution. He is the love of my life and I am extremely happy. I moved out of my friend's house and into my own place, which I was terrified to do at first, but I have been doing great. This guy has even come to a few therapy sessions with me when he can to better understand my addiction. I am so lucky to have him in my life.

It's Thanksgiving so I should probably say the things I am thankful for. I am thankful for this room right here and the people in it. Without you guys I would feel so alone in this world. I am thankful for my friends and family who love me even though I feel like I don't deserve their love sometimes. I'm getting better at that, though. I'm thankful for my therapist who has been there for me since I was 16 years old and even though it took some tough love for me to find my way back to him, I am glad he did what he had to do in dropping me as a client. I am thankful for boxing, I know that's weird but boxing is the one thing that I do that gives me a clear head and I feel normal. While I am in the ring I am not a sex addict, I am just Amy. I wish I could feel like that all the time but it makes me appreciate everything else so much more. I don't want to say I am thankful for the addiction because I'm not, but, without the addiction I would not have fallen in love with this guy and I wouldn't be lucky enough for him to be in love with me. I am thankful for this guy who puts up with my shit and puts me in my place when I need it. I am thankful for the love he gives me and the support he gives me. Most importantly I am thankful for life. Earlier this year I could not have said those words. I hated myself, hated life. For me to be able to stand up here and tell you that I am thankful for the life I live is the biggest accomplishment that I can achieve. So yeah, I have a lot to be thankful for this year. Most importantly, I am thankful for me."


End file.
